Alternate Reality

Every now and then a giant alarm clock rings so loud and brings you out of that sleeping delirium and into reality, or what you know as reality. Life keeps changing and changing and we never seem to know what we are really getting ourselves into until we are to deep to even bother to swim back out. Sometimes we end up questioning how we are or how we act and how others perceive us. I'm pretty sure others perceive me as pretty weird. I don't really want to change myself for others, as long as I am happy, right? Other people making me feel bad about myself doesn't make me feel happy at all.

I guess I get confused on who I am and what I want and what is actually going to happen. They say that if you work hard for your dreams, that they will come true. That's not true at all now is it. There is fate, all looming and large, standing in the way of everything. When my Dad died it was one of those alarm clocks screaming FATE FATE FATE FATE. Hitting the snooze button doesn't help, it just rings again in two minutes. Life changes fast. Life changes so fast sometimes that you are left chasing after it, not wanting to stay where you were, but not sure where you are heading either. Sometimes, life changes so slow, that you didn't even know it changed until long after the fact.

Getting anxiety came on slow for me. It's funny because getting anxiety was an effect of life changing too fast. There were to many tears that I held in that dripped to my heart and made me feel sick all of the time. It is possible for emotions to be trapped and stuck. Good emotions will make you smile and laugh, bad emotions will kill you in the end I believe.

So all in all, bad emotions started to kill me. I am sad that I let something take a hold of me like that. I like to be in charge but I never am. Dreams keep us hoping, but reality alarms kill dreams. I don't want to sound that all my dreams are dead. A lot of my dreams came after I hit that snooze button seven times. They came to fill a void.

I guess in the end I had to have that void. I had to be woken up from a dream that wasn't going to be my reality. This is how I have to live life now. I have to love it, and I love it more and more everyday. Nothing can replace my Dad, but I can chase him and chase him, even knowing that I will never catch him. Chasing him brings me happiness that I can't have otherwise. Chasing him brings me hope that things won't always be this way.

The Whole Time

It's been fun to watch my life change and form beneath your fingers. I used to blog all of the time. I loved to write because it felt good to me. It felt good to write and pretend that it went out into this alternate universe we call the internet. I like to pretend that people read it and that they cared and that they understood. But then one day, (July 24 2012) I grew up and realized that nobody really gives a shit about me and my life and my dad. It was weird to see how the world just went on without me. Without my dad. Without my family. The universe didn't care that I was missing. So I fell deeper into the void of despair and loneliness and decided that if the universe didn't give a shit about me I sure as hell do not give a shit about the universe. Then, one of the next important days of my life I realized that I couldn't survive without the universe. I mean its that moment where your pride is stripped from you when you realize that you need something, but that something doesn't need you. So I started to return to the world. I would make contact, smile at other people, comment in class, forget about the universe forgetting me. I sat at the piano bench for hours trying to remember someone else in the universe and trying to honor that like I wished someone would have honored me. I found myself daydreaming again about life and how it goes on, with or without me and I might as well be there because what else am I doing. Another great day was when I realized that so many people don't give a shit and the universe still seems to give a shit about them. I hate that. The next day I realized that there were people who really give a shit, but the universe could care less about them. I keep wondering why life's pathways are so bumpy and confusing, and really windy. I am reading the Silver Linings Playbook and I love Pat People's because Pat People's gives a shit about a universe that doesn't give a shit about him. Bad things happen just like clouds cover the sun on the rainy days, but like Pat we just need to see the silver rim of the cloud instead of the black abyss of evaporated water that blocks the warmth and light the sun is so willing to share. I guess that is what happened. All the sudden my cloud lit up like the Las Vegas Strip and I understand the smallest fraction of the universe and why and how and when. My eyes were opened wide to who I was, what I was, and what I wanted to be. All the sudden the cloud didn't seem that dark. In fact, the darkness made it possible to see how bright the sun really was the whole time.

Empty Chairs

As the anniversary come crashing upon me my mind races more and more with thoughts that make me sick. I have learned this month that if you are not careful, Fear can take control of you. Fear can change you. Fear can kill you. This seems bleak and dramatic; but it's true. This month I let fear grab hold of me and shake me so hard I thought it was the end.

Empty Chairs give me fear.

Never let fear get in the way of living.

The Golden Bombing

So, today is my birthday. Today is suppossedly supposed to be the BEST birthday because I turned twenty today and today is the twentieth of may. Well this birthday has really really really really sucked because yesterday at work my boss tried to kill me. Dennis sent off bug bombs the night before and when I walked in there it was like walking into a gas pit of doom. Anyway I got really quite ill and the side effects are still lingering today.


Sigh.

Happy Birthday to Me.

Whisper

I feel like I am looking out a dirty window all of the time.  I can see out, but not clear enough to make out what's right in front of me. No matter how many times I clean the window it is still fogged with cheap cleaner, or the dirt and dust seem to be permanent.  I go through the motions everyday and the window looms in front of me.

I hope I am making the right decisions, because I am making the decisions blindly. Everyday seems just like the last one and I feel like I am taking no steps into the right direction. All the sudden I am Robert Frost .....two roads diverged in a yellow wood....

Waiting for that Whisper is really trying sometimes. I think the main thing for everyone to remember is to be patient. I feel that someday my life will all the sudden hit the tracks again. That I will be able to shake the dirt out of my shoes and put my hair back down. I will be following that track again. For now, I just have to find that track. It seems to have gone away, missing.

Romance 1903

So I have been really proud of myself lately.
No, It's not because I have made a ton of new friends.
No, It's not because I have been getting great grades.
No, It's not because I got accepted to Utah State,
Or the fact that I have started work back up,
or that the semester is finally almost over.

It is because I finished Romance 1903.

I am amazed at myself. I never thought I could do something like this.
It just takes a little faith trust and pixie dust (hours of practice).

Oh that's not me by the way. She's basically a professional. But the same song!

The New World Symphony

I am in a symphony. I sit in the back, right next to the timpani drums. I would rather be in the front right next to Dr. Abegg, but beggars can't be choosers.  Sometimes, I am playing notes, but I can't hear them. All I really can hear is that timpani drum. Let me talk about orchestra for a minute. It's amazing really. About seventy five strangers meet together every monday, wednesday, and friday for two complete hours. We all sit down and Dr. Abegg sits up top. Literally up top, his chair is much higher than the rest of us. Sometimes I imagine him falling off that chair. Don't get me wrong! I actually really like the guy. It's the chair that is so funny. I shouldn't really "dis" the chair becaue I think it exists because violinist like me who must sit in the back so we don't shame the "real" orchestra. Sometimes, it's the only thing I can hold on to in that class, because of that timpani drum. When I have absolutely know idea what's going on I just look up to that chair, than to my professor, and then to the stick he is waving in the air. Than I can try my hardest to ignore the timpani drum and play the notes that are written before me.

None of that is the point really, other than the first sentence. I want to explain to you why I was so happy the other day. Here I am, in symphony with seventy-four other strangers. We were all making music together which seemed really great. Then my teacher stopped us and said "Guys, this sounds like Dvorak! Only Dvorak could have created such a chord" I have know idea what chord he was specidfically talking about but it didn't matter because we were playing Dvorak, the New World Symphony. I started thinking about chords and how they exist and notes and music. I was wondering if God is as proud of me as Dvorak is of his New World Symphony. Dvorak must have been so proud to create that chord that Dr. Abegg loves. I want to by my Heavenly Father's New World Symphony. Together we can do anything, just like seventy-five college students can reenact the New World Symphony like Dvorak was sitting on that tall chair. That's what is so amazing about that. Because Dvorak is dead but he is still here in this song that we are all experiencing.

Even the timpani sound like angels.

Racing

I am wondering if this is living.
Driving in this car,
with the same group of people every. single. morning.
I feel my heart beat,
does that mean I'm living?
I'm not really sure.
I listen to the same song over and over againg
and I just keep wondering if I am really living.
I am five minutes late for class.
I am wondering what my Dad is feeling.
I roll the window down
and the wind swirls through my hair.
My hair comes to life I guess you could say.
If that is what living is.
It's like everyday we wake up,
but we never really open our eyes.
I am wondering what my Dad is feeling.
I feel hazy,
I feel dizzy.
I shouldn't be driving.
So I speed up and I'm on the freeway..
70...80..85...
Stop! Slow down!!! Just think for a second!
My mind is speeding through thoughts and ideas
and my head and my heart is pounding and yet
I don't even know if I am living or not.
Or just continuing an essay for my existentialism class.
I'm late for class, ten minutes maybe.
Is this really living? All these questions?
I am wondering what my Dad is feeling.
Then the boy in the car next to me looks over
he is smiling, not at me or about me,
but he is smiling because he is living.
I look back to the road,
catching myself smiling as I do so,
smiling, giggling, laughing..
laughing so hard it hurts.
Living is apparently contagious,
and I look over to the boy next to me,
but he is already gone.
I laugh again.
I wonder what my Dad is feeling.

wonderful things, wonderful life.

It's not that I am obsessive with death, I am obsessive with life. I have become so familiar with the dead it brings so many questions about life. In my human anatomy class I am slowly dissecting the cadavers and learning and understanding, but what is impossible to understand is how? There has to be a God because only a God could have created this body for life to fill, for us to fill. How miraculous is that? I wonder a lot about the end of life, and what that must feel like. Does it feel like anything? Or do you just continue to think,  no longer in your body?

In a book I am reading a boy dies. His soul remembers a lot of things, but the last thing is him sitting under the sky with his lover as they sing Across the Universe
"Nothing's gonna change my world."
"Nothing's gonna change my world."

Later on his soul describes

"There's a shiver in our legs, a tremor like the Earth is speeding up, spinning of into uncharted orbits. Scary, isn't it? But what wonderful thing didn't start out scary? I don't know what the next page is for you, but whatever it is for me I swear, I'm not going to ruin it. I'm not going to yawn off in the middle of a sentence and hide it in a drawer. Not this time. Peel off these dusty wool blankets of apathy and antipathy and cynical dessication. I want life in all of its stupid sick rawness.
Okay?
Okay.
Here it comes."

It leaves me breathless

Stuck

I'm crying right now because I love music so much. Literally. I go through music phases where I find a song or a artist/band that I love so much that I listen the heck out if it until it gets old. Then in about a year I will rediscover the artist/band and love it all over again. Music really can talk to me when no one else can't. And I'm grateful.

Also I saw the movie Warm Bodies and I really like the movie. The soundtrack was even better though :) It was perfectly my type of music, mixing the oldies with the new indies.

Also, Betty White turned 91 and I don't even care.

Exhausted from Running

Something about me is that I like to know the end before I know beggining. I read the last chapter of the book before I read the first, I watch the last episode fo the tv show before the beggining, and I always dream it before I do it. I thought I was covering my ground really, I think of every possibility good and bad. So how did I not see this coming? Partly because I really did see it coming and chose not to believe it. I knew really all a long, we all did, but we don't act on that because we don't want that to be the ending. Maybe if we don't believeit, it won't ever happen. Maybe if we don't dream it it won't come true. The problem is is that I did dream, One afternoon in Logan. I layed down to fall asleep because I was frustrated and was feeling really sad. I put my head phones in and the covers over my head. And I dreamed that my Dad got on a train, ( I actually blogged about the dream...I'm happy I did!) and the door closed before I could get on the train with him. In that train were a bunch of people I didn't know, but I knew I cared about. The train started as I was pounding on the door begging my Dad to let me in. The door didn't open and I ran after that train until I was to exhausted to chase it. I sobbed and I sobbed, for days in my dream, Then I woke up.

I dreamed it, and now I am exhuasted of running.

The Thousand Year Funeral

I learned recently that it never goes away by talking to my cousin in Art. We talk about her worst day and my worst day and even two years later I see a tear fall out of her eye. I want to cry too. I want to cry because I see that this will be a thousand year funeral.

 

Tired of Sleeping

I think I have always been amazed by language. It has always been amazing and thrilling to find that one can take single letters and dream it into something that people can connect with and understand. I can inspire someone! I have always wanted to be the person on the other end of the book. The person who dreamed it, not discovered it. And really, it doesn't seem to far fetched really since we all dream and we all really like our dreams. It's our nightmares that we don't like to share.

Nightmares though often become your reality, and your reality often becomes your dreams. And since this is true it is hard to go to sleep at night and when things aren't right and aren't the same you always seem to stay up later than the night before which is really crazy considering how tired you are from the day but it starts making sense how much more tired you are of going to sleep.

I want to write this down because I am creating something that is uniquely me out of something that belongs to everyone. And this nightmare and dream that we all live in is really just another story. I want to write this down, though, so I can remember the dreams and the nightmares as well. I wouldn't want to forget the bits and pieces that make up who I am and if it takes late nights to create integrity then maybe I wouldn't trade this for the world.

But maybe I would because sometimes I think I would trade this world for one more day. It's hard to be patient and it's even harder to fathom eternity and maybe I am being really selfish for being tired of sleeping because everyone else is tired of being awake and some how things are off balance and just plain not fair.

Actually, nothing really is fair anymore or ever was cause even as a baby we were all a situation and the people we are today were not somewhere there because a huge part of us were created by actions and choices and the other created by dreams and nightmares and sometimes we are maybe just trying to justify that one is right over the other even though really the line is just to blurry to tell.

And really if there is sentences and words and paragraphs and books we should all be mentioned in some book some day because all of us are dreaming or having a nightmare right now and it would be such a shame to never know how to tell the difference of that blurry line and about how people fall in love and if they were dreaming this or if they were afraid because as I have grown older I have realized that some people are afraid to love and this might be a nightmare but who knows anymore? I feel sad that love could be that way but I also feel sad that people are dying every day.

People really do die everyday and even though I don't even know their names I feel like I know them because I want to know them.

And maybe they were dreaming or having a nightmare or maybe they were tired of the day or else they were maybe tired of sleeping and maybe they had a thousand books written about them and maybe one person only had one word, and what really matters is that they at least had that word, even if they were tired of sleeping.

The Fault in Our Stars

"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves." Shakespeare

But really, sometimes the fault is in our stars as John Green might put it. And I sorta agree even though unlike John Green's writing I believe in a predetermined plan. But who's fault is it really that my Dad died?

You hear a lot about star-crossed lovers and what not and I think it would be pretty hard to be in a relationship where your stars are crosse, where it has already been decided that it will fail. And this is what John Green means I think, that really it is not our fault at all, it is the stars fault for getting crossed in the first place, we just have to live with the consequences.

How ironic is it that it was exactly a week, almost to the hour? I've been thinking a lot lately about coincidences and if coincidences really exist or if coincidences is really just a word that disguises the unbelievable magic of a miracle.

I believe that what happened the night of the twenty-fourth was nothing short of a miracle. And whether our families stars were crossed in the first place and the fault really lies with them the stars or if we really brought on this tragedy that has now become our own sadistic reality, it doesn't really matter.

And who are we doubting Shakespeare anyway?

"Grief does not change you, it reveals you" John Green

Peter Davies

I found something very sad to me today, something that I didn't know.

So as a kid I have always loved Peter Pan! And I really still do! Who wouldn't love the idea of not ever growing up and never having a true care in the world?

Well, Peter Davies doesn't. This is the boy that Peter Pan was created after.

He threw himself under a train at age 63.

This just makes me sad.

“Don't be afraid of death, Winnie. Be afraid of the unlived life.” 

Perspective of Me

I think I have mentioned this before, how suddenly things start fitting together and your life between school, work, friends and family just begins to fit together like really we are just fitting together a puzzle and the hardest part is finding the right piece. I am trying to find that right piece, and I seem to have lost it. It's like everything is just so close to being right that I know that there is only one decision, one person, one moment missing.

I can be patient, but not for forever.

I'm used to being alone, but not this alone. I am used to having friends, but not this good of friends. I am at a weird happy medium where I spend 99 percent of my time alone, but my friends that are left and my family that is left loves me more than ever. When my Dad died I didn't just lose my Dad. I lost myself. I lost people that once cared about me. I lost security. I gained a lot though, knowledge, faith and testimony, hope. I am just trying to find the balance of these things and figure out how they trade off. I want them to be an equal trade, but I feel like I would give up anything to talk to my Dad one last time.

I am even more sad when I think that on his birthday, Nov 8. , I hardly even thought about him. I was so busy with work and school that I didn't even shed a tear for him. I call this shame, my mom calls it good, and my sister calls it normal. He wasn't there to celebrate it, that is why we mourn it.

The last day, the 24th, my Dad was so happy! We went to the 24th parade and then to the little park games, I saw Andrea. I went to work. When I got home my Dad walked in the door after me. He was so happy and talked for an hour about life and happiness. Then we went to bed. That night didn't change me, just my view of myself. I was not the person I had always imagined to be. I went out in the front yard and dry heaved while I left my mom and little sister to deal with the trauma. Something is wrong with me. My mom says not to dwell on things like this. Things that will make me sad that don't matter. But I can't get this out of my my head. This makes up who I am. I did tell my Dad this, the day before he died. He didn't seem to worried about it, except he died the next day and I didn't really have time to make it up to him or my family. I was really strong for awhile, that is how I thought I would make it up to them. I wouldn't cry and I would tell them everything was going to be okay even though I knew it wasn't. I remember coming home from the hospital at three in the morning. The house was dark. No one knew what to do. Shelby fell asleep on the floor. The house had even changed it's perspective of me.

Trying my Best

I haven't really been inspired to write...
1. I have no inspiration
2. When I have inspiration I either have to use it in an essay or a poem for class.
3. I have no time to write anymore.

I want to write though, which brings me here again.
What Liana said is true, it does come to a point where the little things stop making you cry. Things like the mountains, the police station, the front door.... I can look at these things now without crying. I feel like this is the beginning of happiness I guess. I still can't sleep in my bedroom, but everything will come with time.

There are many things that I want to write, but just keep deleting. I want to say these things without sounding depressed, but that is how they come out. And maybe it is all because I don't say these things out loud to anyone. I just smile, and smile some more, which is alright but it seems like it just leaves sad stuff for my writing. I often wonder about sad things about my Dad which makes me a very sad person. But I am trying my very hardest to stop and only remember the good things. Sometimes the whole thing plays over and over again in my head which confuses me. Or else I will have weird dreams that also confuse me about the Worst Week.

And I don't often mention the Gospel here which isn't fair. I wanted to bear a testimony, because in reality I am happy, and the parts of me that aren't will be someday. When we were driving home from the funeral in Idaho I read a book called The Message by Lance Richardson. I recommend it to anyone, even if you aren't experiencing a death of a loved one. Before reading the book I felt very hopeless about ever seeing my Dad again. When I was reading the book  I just had a strong feeling that it was true. That everything was true. Somehow, the Gospel is just true. Even though it is good to question and try to learn, sometimes we just have to accept that it is truth. (aka Faith). When I pray and read the scriptures I feel like my Savior is carrying some of the burden for me and the smile on my face doesn't seem forced anymore. This is what I know to be true, and I plan to know more as I keep studying and praying and trying my best.

Imagine

I already know the feeling. It's the same as trying to pick a title for the first song you wrote, or maybe it's something different. Like trying to pick who to love, and who to forget about.


I imagine myself very young most of the time. In fact, when I daydream about the day I will see my Dad again I am only a child, and he is a young man, and everything is the way it should be in Hurricane, and the stucco on my house isn't falling off, and the empty field by my house has many grasshoppers for us to catch. My feet burn on the pavement and I hop around. I am teaching Shelby how to ride a bike, and my Dad is smiling and saying "Never ever give up!" I am up in the willow tree, my Dad is mowing from the lawn, Kaylee and Shelby are on the trampoline, and my Mom is making dinner. I swing down from the tree yelling like Tarzan. I feel invincible. I am invincible. I am learning how to hum, I'm sitting next to Andrea in primary, I don't like tacos. I am on my Dad's shoulder superman style, swept off my feet and breathless. Then the earth is spinning, faster and faster.... I yell "Dad... DAD!!!" He swings me onto the couch and starts tickling me. "Can I have this dance?" he asks."Yes Dad..." I always replied with a smile. He turns on My Sharona by the Knack and he sings at the top of his lungs "My Sierra" and we dance and laugh and dance. We watch BYU games with Andertons, he takes me to high school basketball games, he teaches me how to play, soccer, basketball, cross country, softball, and frisbey. He loved me even though I was never good at any of them. We are at city council meetings and the mayor is still the mayor. We go on bike rides, then walks, then we only sit and talk about the world. He brings home a home a swimming pool. He would always let me win on Mario Kart for Nintendo. He took us bowling all the time. Sunday dinners at grandma, hunting for the best rocks with Liana. He tells me to be happy.  The family when he got home from work. I wish I would have ran up and hugged him that last time....

The Gambler

How is it that I am always left to these decisions, where neither outcome sounds great to me. Can't I just   want something?? Is there something wrong with believing in this, and sometimes I am not making decisions at all. I just keep existing only because my eyes keep shutting and opening, and shutting and opening. With every second it is one second more that I did it, and everything always has to end. Sometimes I just keep laughing because it is the opposite of crying and it feels good to me. The tears are always turning to laughter and apologies. Nothing will be like it was, but life has to continue and it has to change. And all of the sudden I am a step ahead and I am so proud! Look at me! Look what I can do!!! It's only when I look around and see that no one is looking. That it's just me, except of that boy with blue eyes that knows what it's like. I don't know him though, and we just look at each other. And I think about love stories and forever and I smile because only something so beautiful like us could last forever. My dreams are scary, my days are tiring, and my decisions confusing. But my friends are funny, and my family even stronger, and my hopes crazier than ever.

This makes everything okay.

Carry On

Well I woke up to the sound of silence 
The cars were cutting like knives in a fist fight 
If you're lost and alone 
Or you're sinking like a stone 
Carry on 
May your past be the sound 
Of your feet upon the ground 
Carry on 
So I met up with some friends 
At the edge of the night 
And we talked and talked 
About how our parents will die 
But I like to think 
I can cheat it all 
To make up for the times I've been cheated on 
And it's nice to know 
When I was left for dead 
I was found and now I don't roam these streets 
I am not the ghost you want of me 
If you're lost and alone 
Or you're sinking like a stone 
Carry on 
May your past be the sound 
Of your feet upon the ground 
Carry on 
My head is on fire 
Close the door 
Hold the phone 
Show me how 
No one's ever gonna stop us now 
Cause we are 
We are shining stars 
We are invincible 
We are who we are 
On our darkest day 
When we're miles away 
So we'll come 
We will find our way home 

If you're lost and alone 
Or you're sinking like a stone 
Carry on 
May your past be the sound 
Of your feet upon the ground 
Carry on 

Supposed to Be

If one wants to know what it's like I would tell them. I would tell them because everyone has hopes and everyone has dreams and everyone has what they were supposed to be. I will tell you that no one turns out what they are supposed to be and everything that is supposed to happen probably will not happen. In fact I hope so. I hope that everything does not turn out how it is supposed to be. I would hate you for that. And I would hate myself even more.

Have

that day when have becomes had.

Notes from Underground

It's easiest to cry when you are alone.

Although, I am no longer ashamed of tears. I cry when I am walking home, or in the car, or at the store. I cry during lectures and I cry laying on my Dad's bed. I smile too, though. I think that is what makes it okay. I smile while scooping ice cream or finding the perfect bracelet for a granddaughter. I smile when I walk, or while I am in the car, or while I am shopping at the grocery store. I dial 668-5622 over and over again, which makes me feel crazy, but it's just nice to hear is voice on the answering machine sometime. See, he still exist. He's just not here. Just because he is not here doesn't make his things go away or his love any less real. Which brings me to Dostoevsky.

There is enjoyment in pain and suffering.

It's what makes us human. If there was no sadness there would be no happiness. Every tear I try to count. It's hard to count how many times you love someone. I try not to wipe the tear stains from my face. I want to see that in the mirror. It shows my love. If I was not heart broken right now I would either have no love for my Dad or be dead. And for him, and for my love for him. I will cry. I will be strong but that doesn't mean I can't cry. If I didn't feel I would not be alive, and for that, this is why humans must feel pain. To live.
So there is something right about the Underground Man, as much as I would not like to be him. We must take our grief seriously. There is something real about it.

But it's still easiest to cry when you are alone.

Expectations

I guess you can't have expectations.

Is an expectation a dream? A dream of what you think or want to happen? If so, you can't dream either.

So this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am

both happy and sad and I'm

still trying to figure out

how that could be.

The Passing of Time

All of the sudden I am aware of the passing of time.
Like how long a tear takes to form in your eye,  then fall down your face.
How long it takes to get in a car, and drive.
How long it takes to pray.
I am all of the sudden aware of how old I am.
Like how long nineteen years is.
How short nineteen years really is.
How short one week is in the scale of things.

I realize that it does not take long to stop breathing.
For hearts to stop.
I realize that it takes a very long time to train to win the gold in the olympics.
How short the olympics are in the scale of things.
That winning is short.
And that losing is everything.

All of the sudden I am aware of the passing of life.
I am aware that life passes away,
slips through our fingers like sands in an hour glass.
I am aware of that.
I am aware that you can not choose how many days
how many hours
how many minutes and seconds you have to live.

I realize that sometimes you do not go home.
I realize that sometimes you have to say goodbye.
I realize that.
I realize that it takes one second for a smile to disappear.
And it takes days for it to return.
I realize that.

I am suddenly aware of Luck.
Or Coincidences.
Or Miracles.
And I don't care which it is because I am grateful for all three.
I am aware of this.

On Tuesday July 31st 2012 it was hard.
It was hard to type.
But just minutes after I tried,
He died.
And then it was harder.
I realize this.
I am ashamed of this.

But being aware of this passing of time,
I know that time runs out here,
and I cannot wait to get There,
where time is infinite,
and where We are infinite.
I am aware of this.

I am suddenly aware that heros never die.

This is going to be harsh.
I can't type this anymore. dcff b-==='



so my cat didkm

Fish

I was dreaming about rain and time. I wanted to go outside and freeze the water, not like hail, freeze the time.  After I was through freezing time I would run and the water would hit me. It would splash on my face and stick to my hair. I would sit on the brick wall and breathe in as deep as I could so little rain drops would fly into my mouth.  All the raindrops would be there forever until they were all eaten. Hitting them makes them to even smaller drops, until soon they are just microscopic beads of rain. Everyone would look like they were crying, and there would always be tears to wipe off someones face. Everyone would be happy because no one could tell if some one was really sad. And I would be famous, for stopping the rain.
Until a new thunderstorm came, and the thunder would shake the rain. And more rain would fall and everyone would drown because oxygen became H2O. And then the earth was one big ocean. And fish dominated.

Still

The rain is extremely loud.

Something with inside me wanted to write. So that something better think of something to say. I haven't written for a long time because I am very busy. Yet, very bored.
I still love my life.

I still take a deep breath every now and then.

"My Feelings"

Everything will be OK Perfect.
-safran foer

Raison d'Etre

So, I blog about books a lot because that is pretty much what I do. Everyday. So with finishing The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I had to go get a new book. So I bought Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. This book was just recently debuted as a film. I have seen the beginning, but not the end which is okay because I want to find the ending in the book.

I think the latest books I have read I really love because of my fascination with Autism. I find it very interesting for some reason and love learning about it. A couple of years ago I babysat a boy with Autism and got very curious about it. I read the book House Rules by Jodi Picoult about two years ago and that spiked my interest even more. I looked up her research on Autism and was amazed about all the information she learned. Just with reading Perks and starting Extremely I am really loving other authors takes on the issue and how they write first person from a character who suffers with Autism.

I love it. I love reading, because I love writing. It's my Raison d'Etre.

Here is a segment that I really love that I just read:

"What about little microphones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers which could be in the pouches of our overalls? When you skateboarded down the street at night you could hear everyone's heartbeat, and they could hear yours, sort of like a sonar. One weird thing is, I wonder if everyone's hearts would start to beat at the same time. That would be so weird, except that the place in the hospital where babies are born would sound like a crystal chandelier in a houseboat, because the babies wouldn't have had time to match up their heartbeats yet. And at the finish line at the end of the New York City Marathon it would sound like war."

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

So I just finished reading THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER  by Stephen Chbosky. I have always wanted to read the book but stayed away from it because it's "scandalous" which it was. But totally worth it! This was the first book in a long time that was, real. This book was life in a purity from the point of view of a sixteen year old boy. They made a film for this book, which I cannot decide if I will see or not but there is the trailer.

The question? Are we destined to follow in the footsteps of our parents? Are we "participants" as Charlie would say, or are we Wallflowers?  Do we only accept the love that we think we deserve?

The answer? 

I do think that we are some what destined to follow in the footsteps of our parents. We naturally look up to them and love them. We grow under their decisions and it is very natural for us to be the same as them as adults. On the other hand though I believe that we do make our own decisions, and we can choose characteristics that we like and don't like if we all have the will-power enough.

Personally, I believe that most people are "participants". People today are not only very self-concerned, but are very obsessive over the present. Charlie is an exception as a Wallflower, although I think that we all have a little Wallflower in us. What Charlie watches, he understands. Wallflowers are people that don't judge. Accepting people. I don't think there is very many people in the world that are that way.

With acceptance comes the question, what do we accept? Based on morals people accept a large range of other people that in their eyes are "different". And when it comes to love, I do believe that Sam was right when she says that we only accept the love that we think we deserve. As sad as that sounds, how does accepting love without feeling deserving of it sound? It come back to natural and sadly, in this day in age, we put what we deserve on a scale, and we are always to afraid to go above the line of deserving.

Excerpt {Twinkies}

So it's pretty amazing ... but I bought my first car! And it's not just a first car, but it's a blue slug bug! It's a 2010 Volkswagen beetle. I am very proud. Very proud.

And here is an excerpt from the book I'm reading right on cue:

    Dear friend,

I love Twinkies, and the reason I am saying that is because we are all supposed to think of reasons to live. In science class, Mr. Z. told us about an experiment where they got this rat or mouse, and they put this rat or mouse on one side of the cage. On the other side of the cage, they put a little piece of food. And this rat or mouse would walk over to the food and eat. Then, they put the rat or mouse back on it's original side, and this time, they put electricity all through the floor where the rat or mouse would have to walk to get the piece of food. They did this for a while, and the rat or mouse stopped going to get the food at a certain amount of voltage. Then, they repeated the experiment, but they replaced the food with something that gave the mouse or rat intense pleasure. I don't know what it was that gave them intense pleasure, but I am guessing it is some kind of rat or mouse nip. Anyway, what the scientist found out was that the rat or mouse would put up with a lot more voltage for the pleasure. Even more than for the food.

        I don't know the significance of this, but I find it very interesting.

                                   Love always,

                                         Charlie

Okay back to me. Sorry about how long that is but I also find it very interesting, just as Charlie did and just as Chbosky did. The question is what is the significance of this? And, if comparing to humans, which I am sure this is referring to, what is it that drives us through trials? I know, it's love, and the faith we have in our very own happily ever afters.

Blue Fields

   There is something familiar about summer. Things I have been up to lately is writing a short novel, which I am really proud of, watching plays, working, shopping, and dreaming very often. My short novel is called "Those Who Paint the Sky Green". I named it off of a famous quote by Adolf Hitler that says "Those who paint the sky green and the fields blue ought to be sterilized." I feel like that quote puts much of Hitler's flaws into the light.  I went to Tuachan on a mommy-daughter date with Shaynae and Marvene and my Mom. We went and saw Hairspray which was AMAZING!!! Of course I have worked a lot, since my job is full time but I love my job, it allows me to meet a lot of new people while still staying close to my friends and family. The money isn't bad either since I am still planning on paying for all of college by myself. I go to St. George often just to hang out and shop.
   Most importantly there are dreams and music and writing. Which are definitely the best parts of summer.   My friends and I plan road trips and dream of our futures. I am reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which is a scandalous book but has some amazing points. A lot of time, when I am here and comfortable I do feel "infinite". I think that all of us do. It's something about the sun and words. When they mix everything seems beautiful.
   There is a bird on my cotton tree right now that is the most beautiful I have ever seen on that cotton tree. That's the magic of it, right there, every second of every day.
    And something else? My hair has been up in a bun of a sort that I made up. I missed having my hair up.. It makes me stop hiding and accepting myself for who I am. I will wear it up a lot more often I think now. At least until it grows out.
     My Dad just sang a song that says "OOOOO how I wish I could be sierra copeland!" and I said "It's actually pretty average." and my Dad said "I think you have a good life." and I said because it came so naturally "I do have a good life" and that makes us both smile.

Ideas

It has been a long time since I have written anything, that purely came from me.
I have ideas.

pretty things

Feel my hair blowing in the wind 
See the sky and the summer rain 
Pick a flower from the garden for you 
Beyond the lane there's another world 
Butterflies floating in the air 
But is there someone out there for me? 

And so life goes on, day after day 
With knick-knacks on the floor, nooks and crannies 
I live in a tiny world 
But out there, someone waits for me. 
I wish I had someone to watch over me 
In my dreams O I wish I could..

Bunheads

I am excited for tonight, to watch Bunheads!! Amy Palladino has been writing again and I am so excited to see her work!

Something Worthwhile

City Creek

My fortune was : "Your credits are slowly adding up"

Just some recent pics of me

I wanted to sit and write about something worthwhile. I think I am past the point of no return. I am so tired from this long crazy week!

where creation happens

"Forever feels.... untouched. Open, all the way to the horizon. But it's not empty like the bank. Not at all. Forever is stuffed full of... possibility. Potential. A blank canvas waiting for me to paint something, or draw something. To make. To change. Forever is where creation happens."

"I dream of standing still. I am tired of feeling like I'm flying when I know I'm really falling. I want to rest. I want to find silence again. People think edges are bad, but they are really there to keep us from falling to pieces. They don't hold us back, they hold us in. They hold us together."

"Darkness is a harsh term, don't you think?"

Wish

"He would always wish for the sun to shine tomorrow so that the flowers would bloom and make Mother happy." "He was always more concerned about other people more than himself."
"What kind of things did you wish for?"
"Oh, I never made a wish myself."
"Why not?"
"I don't know. Maybe it was because I didn't want to look at my life and see what was missing. Once you identify what you lack, then it's all you see anymore. Wanting something I couldn't have would only lead to unhappiness, so I tried to be content with what I had."
"That's terrible. It misses the whole point of wishing. It's not to focus on what you don't have; it's to show you what could be. Once you know what you want, then you know what to reach for, what to dream about. It's how you change things." -Lisa Mangum

Never Know

You never know what's coming. Not in the future years, the future weeks and days, the next ten seconds. Every blink of your eye is worth so much, and the next time you blink is worth even more. Every time we blink, every time we take a breath, or open our eyes in the morning is one more year, one more day, one more second we get to enjoy. Something that we wouldn't trade for anything. So why is it taken for granted?
Why would we? We all believe that "that" will happen to someone else. Even though it is inevitable, we try not to think about it. We think about today, we think about tomorrow. Every now and then we will think far ahead. We dream.
But we never know, really. We never know.

"Is there any memories you would like to erase?"

"It's always easier to go through trials, when you know your everything is waiting at the end."

Unraveled

Sometimes I feel like I spend ever day searching for a theme. I like to find themes in my day-to-day life. It helps me see the bigger picture, and it helps me think deeper. I hear it in music, read it in books, see it in theatre, smell it in the air, feel it at the edge of my fingertips.

And the theme recently is what we are. What i'm made of. I was at work enjoying my book and it was silly, but it was talking about Unraveling. Making me wonder how memories are made, and if I was unraveled, what pieces of string would be left for people to put together. In the Avengers (lol) a comment was made that reminded me of this unraveling. "Do you know what it is like to be unmade?"
Un-made
Unraveled.

Un.

We all really do have souls, pieces of memories all tied together that create who we are. What we are made of. Raw emotion tied into feelings and thoughts.. hopes and dreams. God gives a string, and we begin to create intricate knots. We create our lives. In the hunger games Finnick ties and unties knots. It helps keep him focused. In more of a deeper sense I feel he is trying to untie memories, and retie them just how he wants. He focuses on the present, on what he can do to change the future. The only thing in our grasps.

Sometimes we all feel unraveled. We question our existence. We question our desires. We question who we are, who we are supposed to be. If we focus on tying the knots, focus on what we can do now, not what we could've done. We will all tie ourselves back together.

working

This week, work. I work 70 hours this week, and every minute... counts. I got an ipod touch which I love! I have been playing around with that a lot.

1.2.3.4.5.6...
And I have been working
8.9.10.11
And working
14.15.16.17.18.19

And every second counts here in this summer. Today it was cold cold in Hurricane. Especially for the summer. I have been reading and playing with owen and katniss and stuie. I have been working.
28.29.30

People at work. People at home. People at work. People in hurricane.

People
People
People
Kittens.

<3 xx

underneath

Today. May 22nd.

Today, I went underneath the highschool. I have wanted to go through the tunnels ever since I knew about them. And now they are getting torn down. Me, Shaynae, McKinlye, Coach Kidd, Inca, Robien, and Cat and Larry all went under today. We brought markers and signed our names everywhere. We crawled there in those tunnels for at least an hour. Going through secret passageways, holding on to water pipes. My knees are bruised. It was weird going underneath, underneath something that I walked on every day for four years. Sometimes we just have to dig a bit farther, to find the adventures that could lie underneath.

Underneath today lies a real tragedy, something I wish I would never have to dig up again. But it's due time, to find out what's underneath this facade that we all call life.

Today, Hurricane sits under a valley of smoke, is rimmed with red fire.
And the ashes are all too familiar.

life

"I closed the window and watched the rain drops as they traveled down the glass, each one making tiny individual tracks. Some drops ran in a straight line; others meandered in wandering trails before being swallowed up int eh wake of another drop. The rain fell and the water continued to branch out into countless rivers, endlessly moving, endlessly flowing. I closed my eyes and thought about promises and possibilities."

Eclipse

Yesterday really was my birthday. I am nineteen! I had a birthday party on saturday, and hung out with Shaynae, Jennifer, and Tayler. It was... super :) I had a sleep over at Shaynae's aunts house in Toquerville :) Way fun! We (tried to) watch Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. But we were falling asleep so we ran upstairs. We worked on the little farm and I touched a horse! We went to Dairy Queen and me and Shaynae bought our own cake and candles. Lol.  On Sunday I went home and ate a good breakfast, ate watermelon too! I got a Fossil dress that is absolutely beautiful and designed by my favorite fashion designers.  I got sandals and some money to spend on whatever I want. Shelby got me a backpack that I love. I went to singles ward. I know, what were we thinking. Shaynae and I were pretty much scared the entire time. Then I went to St. George. Gina, Bo, Kylah, Uncle Brent, Grandma, and my family all had a barbeque and watched my birthday eclipse. The eclipse was beautiful. Can't really say anything else about that... After we went to the hospital and visited the Eckleys. When Jill would start crying I would start crying. She misses Pierce and Scarlette. Chad told me that since it was my birthday my sister had to give me a massage and then clean my room. I full-heartedly agreed with him.. I never got my room cleaned.. but I did get a massage from my mom. And Katniss and Owen gave me a ton of kisses!

KATNISS

Katniss has become extra ...annoying. She is still needing to be bottle fed. But now she has turned into an meowing monkey. She uses her new found claws to crawl everywhere.. out of her bed, onto the couches, in my hair. Everynow and then she gets tired and loves to curl up right under your neck :)

And owen was mad that he wasn't on the blog. Katniss and Owen love to fight with eachother.

The other day I drove to Santa Clara and sat by my Aunts grave for awhile. I haven't been there for almost a full year. A full year tomorrow :( I have been thinking about her alot. She truly was amazing, and she would have loved Katniss, and my birthday, and the eclipse. I know that she watched the eclipse with us from her own special spot in heaven.

Riding

"Eventually, I started walking. And I counted. I counted every step until I had left everything behind. The door, the music, the past. I didn't know what else to do. One hundred eighty-five thousand, four hundred and twenty steps."
"You remember the exact number?"
"How could I forget? Every step forward was another day I walked into the future."
"More than five hundred years?"

"It goes by faster than you think."


I know that I haven't blogged for awhile. I haven't thought about anything worthwhile to blog. But today, I remembered.

I was riding on the back of the police boat with my eyes shut. The hot wind taking my breath away with every strong gust. I can't open my eyes, but I don't mind, because I can imagine everything. Everything about this world I love. I love it here. The stinging of the sun rays on my arms. How that St. George sun I know so well reaches out it's tendril arm and embraces me in a hug of heat and happiness. The feeling of water spray on my hot face. I imagine the neon red of the mountains, kissing the pastel blue of the clear sky. I think of my friends and their wind swept hair. My hair now tickles my face and flies behind my head in a crazy tangle. I imagine driving at sunrise, how the hard lines of the mountains manage to blur together in colors of green, orange, red, and blue. God's work of art he painted with a paint brush, just for me. I imagine the familiar smiles, the conversations of shared memories, lying in the hot grass.

And when I imagine home, all of this floods into my mind in an inevitable flash flood. How could I forget each step I take, it's another step towards my future.

And me and Dennis talk about other cities we have lived in, other cities we have lived.
"Dennis, of all the places you have been, you have lived, which is your favorite?"
Dennis contemplates this for an eternity.
"Sierra, I don't know how you feel, but Southern Utah? It scoops you up and you know, you know! that you will never again be able to call anywhere else home."
"Yeah, I know."

I was lying in bed thinking the other night, about my past feelings and my choices I created from those feelings. I realized what it is that I am. Who it is that I am. I moved to Logan with a "Live without Limits" kind of mindset. Just like in this book. I wanted no one to know me, to prejudge me. I wanted my history to be erased. Once I was there, living, without any limits. I realized that memories are all that I am. All that I was made up of. And there was no one there that knew, no one there that wanted to know. I like limits. I like having people already know who I am. I like who I am down here. Down here, I am real, I am myself, I am Sierra.

So in between these red mountains and underneath the red hot sun, I will create my story.
Live my Life.

Last Day and Number Seven

It is the last day of April!!! AHHHH! Which means my horror of finals weeks must begin in less than twenty four hours!! I am most afraid for my french final... Sigh. I don't know if I will be able to pass that!
Anyways for Number Seven

I think my favorite item(s) would be my instruments. I love them to death. These along with my scriptures are probably amongst the top of my most treasured items list.

Number 6

Rory Gilmore
A person I would like to switch places with for a day!

Number Five

My favorite memory?
Much to hard to decide. :)

Number Four

I can't really post a picture of my FAVORITE night... but all the nights I spent with my family in New York were pretty good. :) This is a picture from the Hill Cumorah pageant!

intelligent design has nothing to do with it

Number Three

GILMORE GIRLS!

Today I am supposed to write about my favorite tv show.. which would be Gilmore Girls!! Ironically, I am watching Gilmore Girls as I write. When I was sixteen I saw an episode of Gilmore Girls on ABC Family. They were off the air and only showing reruns. I was interested, but became even more interested when a friend (Calee) said that her and her mom loved Gilmore Girls! I knew I had to see this. I bought the first season at Barnes and Noble and fell in love! My family and I watched one or two episodes every night, and for my sixteenth birthday I got the second and third seasons. I was IN LOVE! Since then I have watched all seven seasons over five times. I love them and they never get old. I would definitely recommend them to every girl and her mother in the whole world. They are pretty clean, funny, and have enough drama that isn't overwhelming. Also, I have learned all the wit that I might have from Gilmore Girls. Anyways, great show. Thank you Paladinos! 

From Finner

So I am back.. I feel like Charlie McDonnel in the fact that I am just blogging a TON! But it feels good. He just posted a video where he talks about quality over quantity. Right now: Quantity.

Today I did Baptisms for the Dead at the Logan Utah Temple. It was beautiful and a great experience! When I move to Cedar I think I will regret not going to the temple more when I was so close to it. :(
Lesson learned I guess.  I don't have a ton to write about... but I will write! I do not want to break the chain. Today I presented my french presentation Ma Famille. I feel like I did pretty good.. a five-six minute presentation in french is no easy feat.

Classes are winding down here in Logan. This dead week seemed so ironic because my teachers were all giving us a ton of homework, but now, by thursday, I realized that is has the name "Dead Week" for the feeling of the students. We are all just done, dead of school. I am SO ready for St. George. I am pretty darn sad about leaving Logan. I question my decision a lot, but feel good about it more than I doubt it. I think that I will go buy an actual nice journal tomorrow. I don't know .. I am split about what to put in it..
So I guess we will find out.

I hope that next semester I will be able to focus more on school. This semester seemed so hit and run the whole time. In fact, none of my teachers have posted my grades! I don't know how good/bad i'm doing. For most of my classes I feel like it is probably leaning towards the good side. But I also have classes where I know they are on the bad side...

Anyway, I had a good day... Looking forward for the end of next week!!

PS Andrea is an Aunt to Allison Judith Barney!!!!! GO JOSH AND RACHEL!

Number Two

The person that I have been closest to the longest...
I would have to say good ole Andrea Barney.

We have been friends since I can remember, and I feel that she has always been there for me. We kind of went through our childhood with each other by our sides. I love her a ton! I am excited to be living in cedar where I will get to see her more often!

My 69 Awkward Moments

I was inspired by a book with this title. Which seems so silly, but I feel like I could go somewhere with that as well. I feel like the internet has taken on this "meme movement" which in and of itself is awkward, but the point is that many of these memes begin with "That awkward moment when.." And then goes on to say something either very awkward or something very stupid. Yes, it is usually a gamble. I feel like if I would write my life story it might start out with.. "That awkward moment when Sierra was born." Which is kinda okay with me.

Number One!

1. I love my moms homemade mac and cheese..
2. I watch Gilmore Girls almost everyday
3. I don't like strangers standing very close to me
4. I love to learn, but hate doing homework
5. I am indecisive
6. I miss my family more than anyone and anything
7. I like to complain, but regret it when I do
8. I love to write, play music, and talk
9. I am not good at meeting new people because I am very shy.
10. I am proud to belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

30 DAY CHALLENGE

1. A picture of yourself with 10 facts
2. A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
3. A picture of the cast from your favorite show
4. A picture of your favorite night
5. A picture of your favorite memory
6. A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
7. A picture of your most treasured item
8. A picture that makes you laugh
9. A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
10. A picture of the person you do the most ****** up things with
11. A picture of something you hate
12. A picture of something you love
13. A picture of your favorite band or artist
14. A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
15. A picture of something you want to do before you die
16. A picture of someone who inspires you
17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
18. A picture of your biggest insecurity
19. A picture and a letter
20. A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
21. A picture of something you wish you could forget
22. A picture of something you wish you were better at
23. A picture of your favorite book
24. A picture of something you wish you could change
25. A picture of your favorite day
26. A picture of something that means a lot to you
27. A picture of yourself and a family member
28. A picture of something you're afraid of
29. A picture that can always make you smile
30. A picture of someone you miss

I saw a friend #AGIRLANDHERGUITAR do this and she kind of quit. I thought I would see how far I could get! I am going to start today!