last day

i'm sick with the flu, but i am still bringing in the new year with something I love
HARRY POTTER marathon!
I'm excited for 2011 to be over and to start something new.
something like 2012

now, i choose which family to go against!!!!

Hope Blossoms

It is Christmas Eve! 

I'm mainly just excited to watch my little cousins open presents and see their excitement! It's funny how things change,

it's also funny how things stay the same. 

Liana is making the Christmas lasagna, something that Aunt Teresa made every year. We are still going to eat the lasagna. Even though she isn't here to make it.

Things are good, because Christmas takes away those thoughts that things might be bad.

I'm still enjoying being home, but I am excited for the future (again). I have this hope that is blossoming in my heart that things will be better when I go back. That flower gets bigger each and every day.

Gilmore Girls

You can never go wrong with a healthy debate, that or a witty line about Ringo Star and Pippi Longstocking from Lorelai or Rory, add some romance, drama, and crazy rich parents and you've got Gilmore Girls!

Miss Terious. Life is feminine.

God works in mysterious ways. And this is a tribute to that, to why I need to be forgiven for being so angry at the way things were happening. Things are going to be okay. Fear always overwhelms me, and then I always am reassured. Things have been bad for about two years, but in between that bad and the dark there was happiness. Excitement, more fear, more let downs, and lots of lessons learned.
A lot of lessons learned!
And it's all a mystery to me.
One year ago I got shoulder surgery.
Think on that!
It went fast, at least, that's a blessing!
sincerely sierra

Home(Sick)

I'm at Home. I'm sick.
So now I have a new view of homesick.
Nothing really new, just excited to be home!

Today

So, after my science final I called my Dad. I was so happy.
But now I am scared.
My Dad said that he is going to the hospital on Friday, because he thinks something might be wrong with his heart.
I am praying, and hoping, and planning on everything being okay.
Everything Will Be Okay.

Not Today

My other great-grandma is dying. Am I surprised? No. I feel like every single family member of mine is on a countdown for death. No one is living, everyone is dying. That's not a very happy way to look at things, really.  But, this is how I feel. For the last three nights I have been having panic attacks. Death is becoming so engraved in my mind I only dream about death now. It's funny how I am never thinking about the people that died, but rather for the people who have to keep living. That is what scares me the most. But i've done it! I am one of those people who saw my aunt, lying dead in that hospital bed. My granny lying dead at my grandmas... and soon, my great-grandma lying dead in her grave. My great-grandpa bickmore, my grandpa dale.... I've seen the Parker family suffer from the loss of their son. And I don't want to be them. I don't want to be me.

I became acquainted with death in third grade, as I watched my friends little brother die in my mothers arms. When I heard the news that day I laughed. I watched my parents cry for their friends and I just laughed. Ironically, that's what I did two days ago when I found out my great grandma was dying. Then when my sister was going in for ear surgery I bawled and bawled, thinking that Seth's destiny was his to share with her. She lived. Then, at a young age I wondered how Seth could die. Why him? Why choose Seth? I watched Myles cry in my dad's hands. It was my Dad, not his, because his Dad couldn't even console himself, not even his family. I remember last year going into Myles house and seeing Seth in with all of the others kids school pictures. He hasn't aged, he never will here. I remember watching Rhonda get cancer. And wondered why death chose Seth and not her. 

In october I watched my granny die. I remember knowing she was dying and sitting by her for the last time. She thanked me, she said she loved me, she ate applesauce. I remember the taste of pizza and getting the phone call from my Dad. Grandma's house was different. She answered the door and she was crying. My Dad pushes me to come with him to see her. I look at her. I can face her. And I did face her. When the men come and take her away my grandma keeps saying please don't take her. Please don't take her! I play the words "the woman who raised me is dead" the whole ride home in the car. I remember playing the piano at her funeral. Everyone celebrating her life for what it was. The air outside, was cold.

I watch my aunt die without even knowing it. She is so young! Death would never chose her! On the 4th of July we all go to the hospital because she had a heart attack. She goes into heart surgery. I remember her asking the doctor "will I just die during the surgery?" he says maybe. 

But she didn't. Death would never choose her!

She sang in the car. I remember that.

I can't remember her at christmas.

We all watch her decline, but for some reason live in naiveness. 

She tells me at her house that this is God's punishment for her. I start crying and I say "why would you say that?!" she says she had pride for keeping Kylah. I watch the two-year-old run up to her grandma and start crying with her. I hear my own voice "Kylah, she needs you now." She told me, "Exactly."

She sobbed as she walked away.

On my 18th birthday I drive to the Hospital, because I was told to. For some reason I don't say goodbye, I just stare at her. She tells me she loves me. I tell her I love her too.

Later on, My Dad calls.

Later on, I am driving to st. george, wondering how death could choose her. wondering why I didn't learn with Seth. wondering if she was with granny.

In the hospital I looked over the city of st. george and it looked empty. and people were moving on. I looked at my aunt on the bead, and never looked at her again. I drowned out the sounds of tears and felt more angry than I have ever felt. Sitting in that waiting room reminded me of the time I sat in the waiting room that was right next to this one. I remember my aunt being sick but bringing me gifts on the day of my surgery. How selfish of me! How selfless of her!

I look at Liana. How selfish of me! I don't know what to say. We were there for what felt like hours.

We cleaned her house.

We ate sandwiches.

I played the piano at her funeral. I can't really remember much about the service, only seeing people crying over her casket. The burial, her young face, liana's face. No one celebrating life, but only mourning death.

I remember graduating. I remember Liana graduating. She didn't want to without her. 

And, I've told this story before. But I remember Kylah, waking up from her sleep and seeing me crying, and reassuring me that Granny is in the clouds. I remember when she asked a question that she already knew the answer to. "Terrie isn't coming back, is she?" I remember crying, and not answering her. Because I couldn't. Cause I knew the answer too.

So now that, here again, I am facing death, I feel like an expert. So when people wonder why I am not always perfectly happy, I think, well, it's been hard.

But that's not an excuse is it? Like Liana, I just need to have a stargazer lilly and remember. 

But move on. And keep moving on. Because everyday is new and fresh, and people become memories only for awhile until they become real again.

It feels good to write this. I feel like when all of these thoughts build up, I need to write them down, so they become reality instead of the nightmares that keep occuring when I lock it all up.

Maybe someday in the future I will be able to talk about this to my friends, my family.

But that day is not today.

Falling Slowly

"i don't know you, but I want you all the more for that.
words fall through me and always fool me, and I can't react.
and games that never amount to more than they are meant will play themselves out.
Take this sinking boat and point it home, we still got time!
Raise you're hopeful voice, you have a choice! you make it loud!
falling slowly, eyes that know me, and I can't go back.
and moves that take me and they race me and i'm painted black.
well you have suffered enough, at war with yourself, it's time that you want.
take this sinking boat and point it home we still got time!
 raise you're hopeful voice, you have a choice! you made it loud!
 falling slowly, sing you're melody! i'll sing it long! to come, pay the cost! i'm gone."

sincerely sierra

Helping Hand

Today everything has been in my favor. Actually, this whole week everything has been in my favor and I know who I have to thank and it is my Heavenly Father. I have been praying for things to go well this week, and in all honesty they really have gone great! My French teacher cancelled her final! Heck YEAH! Everything went so well for that class and I pulled my grade up to at least B+ form a C-! Holy Cow! Also, I finished Creative Arts pulling a B from the final (Not as great as I wanted but I have an A in the class so, not to much can happen there). Now all I have left is to write an extra credit paper for french and do my science final on tuesday. And the kicker is.. I'M Moving OUT on TUESDAY! Anna ended up wanting to move out the same day that I wanted to move in, what luck! So now I will be home on Wednesday instead of Sunday! BOOYAH! I feel like I am walking on the clouds right now and that my Heavenly Father really does love me and has been with me since day one of this experience.

I'm so blessed.

Sincerely Sierra

sarah's key

i watched this movie today and it really changed my perspective. sarah in the movie was so brave. i ran home in the 5 degree weather as hard as I could, crying, and wishing I could be like her. It hit me the hardest when she finally gets to the closet, only to find her little brother dead.
It seems that sometimes, we get to our "closets" to only find that we didn't get the answer we wanted. I guess that is where we can learn some of the greatest lessons in life.

sincerely sierra

Dead Week

Turns out "dead week" will probably turn out to the be the busiest week I will experience in college. But, for good news my français prof. cancelled l'examen finale. Yaya. I feel really happy and really sad. I am just really excited to move out. I hate the people I live with, every single one of them. Like I said in the beginning everyone here is so self centered and self concerned none of them can stand to think of someone else. I can't live with people like this. Neither do I want to. They are all self-righteous beast.
That was my hating for the day. Imma hater.

Shut up I say SHUT UP!

I have so much homework, and I am really really excited to go home.
A place where I belong.

Today, at the Cazier Library

Today I went to the Religion in Life class and it was really good! The speaker showed a clip from The Lion Kind where the baboon tells Simba that "You're Father Lives in you , remember who you are." It was such a good talk! And now I have to study for my three finals I have in the next two weeks :) I think I will do right in two of them but I am really worried about the french final. Anyway, I hope all goes well!

A Place Where Unforgettables Reside

I know that there is moments in my life that are unforgettable.

Her eyes. Deep and black and full. Both of us seeing for the first time. Her eyes 3 years later filled with tears, reflecting my own blue in her brown. Reflecting my thoughts in her voice. "Terrie is gone, isn't she?"
Having to say yes. Watching her sleep and playing with her thin hair.

This, I will never forget. I will always hold deep by my heart.
In my heart.