Last Day and Number Seven

It is the last day of April!!! AHHHH! Which means my horror of finals weeks must begin in less than twenty four hours!! I am most afraid for my french final... Sigh. I don't know if I will be able to pass that!
Anyways for Number Seven

I think my favorite item(s) would be my instruments. I love them to death. These along with my scriptures are probably amongst the top of my most treasured items list.

Number 6

Rory Gilmore
A person I would like to switch places with for a day!

Number Five

My favorite memory?
Much to hard to decide. :)

Number Four

I can't really post a picture of my FAVORITE night... but all the nights I spent with my family in New York were pretty good. :) This is a picture from the Hill Cumorah pageant!

intelligent design has nothing to do with it

Number Three

GILMORE GIRLS!

Today I am supposed to write about my favorite tv show.. which would be Gilmore Girls!! Ironically, I am watching Gilmore Girls as I write. When I was sixteen I saw an episode of Gilmore Girls on ABC Family. They were off the air and only showing reruns. I was interested, but became even more interested when a friend (Calee) said that her and her mom loved Gilmore Girls! I knew I had to see this. I bought the first season at Barnes and Noble and fell in love! My family and I watched one or two episodes every night, and for my sixteenth birthday I got the second and third seasons. I was IN LOVE! Since then I have watched all seven seasons over five times. I love them and they never get old. I would definitely recommend them to every girl and her mother in the whole world. They are pretty clean, funny, and have enough drama that isn't overwhelming. Also, I have learned all the wit that I might have from Gilmore Girls. Anyways, great show. Thank you Paladinos! 

From Finner

So I am back.. I feel like Charlie McDonnel in the fact that I am just blogging a TON! But it feels good. He just posted a video where he talks about quality over quantity. Right now: Quantity.

Today I did Baptisms for the Dead at the Logan Utah Temple. It was beautiful and a great experience! When I move to Cedar I think I will regret not going to the temple more when I was so close to it. :(
Lesson learned I guess.  I don't have a ton to write about... but I will write! I do not want to break the chain. Today I presented my french presentation Ma Famille. I feel like I did pretty good.. a five-six minute presentation in french is no easy feat.

Classes are winding down here in Logan. This dead week seemed so ironic because my teachers were all giving us a ton of homework, but now, by thursday, I realized that is has the name "Dead Week" for the feeling of the students. We are all just done, dead of school. I am SO ready for St. George. I am pretty darn sad about leaving Logan. I question my decision a lot, but feel good about it more than I doubt it. I think that I will go buy an actual nice journal tomorrow. I don't know .. I am split about what to put in it..
So I guess we will find out.

I hope that next semester I will be able to focus more on school. This semester seemed so hit and run the whole time. In fact, none of my teachers have posted my grades! I don't know how good/bad i'm doing. For most of my classes I feel like it is probably leaning towards the good side. But I also have classes where I know they are on the bad side...

Anyway, I had a good day... Looking forward for the end of next week!!

PS Andrea is an Aunt to Allison Judith Barney!!!!! GO JOSH AND RACHEL!

Number Two

The person that I have been closest to the longest...
I would have to say good ole Andrea Barney.

We have been friends since I can remember, and I feel that she has always been there for me. We kind of went through our childhood with each other by our sides. I love her a ton! I am excited to be living in cedar where I will get to see her more often!

My 69 Awkward Moments

I was inspired by a book with this title. Which seems so silly, but I feel like I could go somewhere with that as well. I feel like the internet has taken on this "meme movement" which in and of itself is awkward, but the point is that many of these memes begin with "That awkward moment when.." And then goes on to say something either very awkward or something very stupid. Yes, it is usually a gamble. I feel like if I would write my life story it might start out with.. "That awkward moment when Sierra was born." Which is kinda okay with me.

Number One!

1. I love my moms homemade mac and cheese..
2. I watch Gilmore Girls almost everyday
3. I don't like strangers standing very close to me
4. I love to learn, but hate doing homework
5. I am indecisive
6. I miss my family more than anyone and anything
7. I like to complain, but regret it when I do
8. I love to write, play music, and talk
9. I am not good at meeting new people because I am very shy.
10. I am proud to belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

30 DAY CHALLENGE

1. A picture of yourself with 10 facts
2. A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
3. A picture of the cast from your favorite show
4. A picture of your favorite night
5. A picture of your favorite memory
6. A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
7. A picture of your most treasured item
8. A picture that makes you laugh
9. A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
10. A picture of the person you do the most ****** up things with
11. A picture of something you hate
12. A picture of something you love
13. A picture of your favorite band or artist
14. A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
15. A picture of something you want to do before you die
16. A picture of someone who inspires you
17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
18. A picture of your biggest insecurity
19. A picture and a letter
20. A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
21. A picture of something you wish you could forget
22. A picture of something you wish you were better at
23. A picture of your favorite book
24. A picture of something you wish you could change
25. A picture of your favorite day
26. A picture of something that means a lot to you
27. A picture of yourself and a family member
28. A picture of something you're afraid of
29. A picture that can always make you smile
30. A picture of someone you miss

I saw a friend #AGIRLANDHERGUITAR do this and she kind of quit. I thought I would see how far I could get! I am going to start today!

Dandelion Seeds

Hello there Charlie!
Well a couple of days ago I wanted to do a "Chain" like Charlie McDonnel and Jerry Seinfeld. And I started two chains. One was to write for thirty minutes each day... and the other to read one chapter of my scriptures and say two prayers each day. Both are failing miserably. What is wrong with me?!

THE LOOK OF THE FAILURE

Anyway.. This is me writing for my chain. I am enjoying my last two weeks here in logan... I am pretty sad whenever I think about leaving. There are so many things that I hope that I will never forget here. Well, I will save this stuff for later :)

One thing Logan definitely has over Hurricane is Spring.

Hurricane doesn't have a spring... it has a winter and summer, but spring last for like 3 hours. Literally.

Here though, I can smell spring! Just walking down the street the air is thick with the scent of blossoms and fresh grass. The sun is warm, but not overwhelming. Every one is starting to come out of there cocoons like a new butterfly. It is really pretty, watching not only the earth wake up, but people wake up too. Now since I am pretty talented at being pessimistic I will tell you what also happens that almost ALMOST takes away the joys of spring. It is an evil plan developed by professors of all that they named FINALS. While all of us should be waking up and smiling we end up being inside on our laptops writing papers, reading textbooks, preparing final presentations. 

Now since I can also be optimistic I will say this. It is a very good thing that the end of the ear is not in the dead of February. We need the earth to be happy to push us all through this stressful time in our lives. Well, hopefully with this spring in summer I will blossom into a beautiful flower just like the rest of the little dandelion seeds. Hopefully all will go well with this so called "Dead Week" where everything is coming to life and just like it's title everything seems so ironic.

A huge bee flew into my room today.. we didn't kill it because bee's are apparently going extinct. I am pretty mad at that little bee though.. I really enjoyed having my window up all the time. It made my air just a little easier to breathe and I loved the smell of life.

Flawed

I'm too sensitive. I was thinking about how I go about changing that, but I don't know if I really can. I can hide it, like everything else, but I don't think that I want to. I have been that way since I was kid. I remember crying as I saw a boy trip and fall, or that whenever my sister got sick I would cry and cry. Growing up that sensitivity to what others feel and think has evolved. To what other people think is a flaw. Which it can be. But how am I supposed to get rid of something like that. Something that has defined me for years and years. 

I can't.

Rory Gilmore Sex Boat

In the sixth season Peris Geller makes a reference to the blog-o-sphere about how the community of Yale found out about her and Logan stealing a yacht for a joy ride and blogged about it. I wanted to be blog about it.
So, Rory Gilmore Sex Boat. There is the story :)

Dream

Alone again, under the blankets, rap music blasting until it hurts. This how I fell asleep and this is what I dreamed about in the 32 minutes that I was asleep. I was driving in Ogden with a girl that I met in college but don't really know that well. We didn't talk much, until we had to stop on the side of a freeway entrance. She went and bought a car so she didn't have to be with anymore. I didn't care though, I congratulated her. The reason we were stopped was because a family I know from Hurricane car had broken down. I was making light conversation with them until I saw my Dad. He came up and grabbed my hand and took me down by some modern train tracks. We didn't have time to talk because a loud rumble came up and the UTA front runner came around the corner and stopped with a loud screech, the door right by my face. The rumble under my feet took a sudden stop and I took a couple steps back to look at the size of this thing. The train was completely white and had light blue tinted windows. In those windows I could see everything and everyone I loved. My eyes quickly glanced across the whole left side of the train. When my eyes reached the end of the trains they just had time to catch my Dad climbing through the open door. "Wait!" I cried. "Please wait for me!" But the door shut quicker than I could blink. The motor started up with a loud growl and out of fear I started running for the front of the train, so I could tell the Conductor to please open the door and let one more person in, to try and explain how everyone and everything I loved was in that train. But the train didn't have a front, it just kept going on and on, the white with the blue windows, faces haunting me with tears in their eyes, putting their hands against the windows, yelling words of inspiration, telling me to keep on running. So I ran and I ran and I ran. I yelled words back at them, no I screamed them. Begging them to help me. The music of the rapper mapped out my every step. I ran until I fell over. I ran until I gave up. The train took off, and it quickly gained momentum, and before I could scream "Dad!" one more time it was gone. I laid down on that soot covered ground and cried and cried. I felt really claustrophobic and tried to open my eyes. I could see the blue and green of my bedspread but I couldn't keep my eyes open. Days went by. Until one day when I could open my eyes. Take out my headphones. Pull the covers off of my head.
And realize that everything was just a dream.      

Decision

It's a word that haunts. It seems that in this life we are constantly in a process named Decision. Every day we decide simple things. Like when we will smile, or when we will speak. Every day we decide huge things, like what kind of person we will be, where we will go, and who we will see. Really, it's decision that writes our life story. That's why, when we meet decision face-to-face, we are afraid and intimidated. We would rather never see decision, we would rather that decision be simple, and always have our back turned  to it. But that is not how life works. Every now and then something makes us look over our shoulder, and it makes us look Decision right in the eye. We stare and stare, until we are forced to speak. To make that Decision worth something. That force, it will always be driving us whether we want it to or not.
And now, that force is forcing me to speak.
The problem is, is that I never know the right thing to say.

As A Child

Oh to be young :)  I think that is the deepest and greatest of all my wishes. That I could reverse the clock, never age, and be a child for the rest of my life. That's why I have always loved Peter Pan!!! I would definitely live in Never Land if I had the choice! 

Youth is something tangible, once it is over. When you think about it you can almost taste the memories and feel the sweet innocence we all once had. Everyone is beautiful, no one is flawed. Every one is your best friend and nothing anyone can do or say will change who you really are. You believe anything that is told to you, you sleep a lot. You love to play outside and every small insect is a whole adventure to be taken. Your imagination is free and unrestricted by the cares of the world. Being young is so close to being perfect. And now I am so far. I am excited for the day that I will be able to return to that perfection through the love of Christ and become "as a child" through him. 

Every Tear Is A Waterfall.

Life is ironic.  I read a quote that said that whatever it is that you can't stop thinking about, wishing about, and hoping about is what is truly in your heart. No matter how high I turn the music up, I can't stop thinking of home.

"I want to have friends that I can trust. That love me for the person i've become, not for who I was. I want to have friends that let me be all alone when being alone is all that I need. I want to fit in to the perfect space. Feel natural and safe and of all the tiled place. "

Home.

Like i've said, the hardest thing is seeing the thing you love most in your rearview mirror. That feeling you get after laying in the grass for too long.  I hate it, but love it. That's how I feel about living here. So when I'm laying there under that summer sun, how do I decide to leave the grass? Even though my skin is itching I might decide to stay, or that itch might become to painful, and I will have to leave.

I hate people that go out their way to make you feel stupid.
I love people that go out of their way to make you feel smart.

They talk so loud, I can still hear them over my music which is as loud as it can go. And it hurts my ears. And no one cares. Except my home.
25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 more days.

I cried today. I cried a lot. Out of anger, hurt, frustration, happiness, confusion, ...leaving.

If I could write how I felt into music, it would be a lot easier. But for now..... This will have to do.

Happy Easter

chapter one: sister solitude (tries to) makes a decision.

It's true. I'm a negative person. I'm openly admitting it. But did everyone ever wonder why people become negative. I wasn't born this way....It's called having a bad time. A lot of people I know have never had one of these, but for me..It's a natural occurrence that comes along to strengthen my testimony I guess. But I know that this time of being alone has really helped.. something... :) I guess I will figure that out later. I have more important things to figure out now... Like where I need to be, where will I fit in, where do I belong?
A huge part of me says "NOT HERE!"
but another part of me says... "what makes you think you will belong in cedar?"
And then I think "maybe I don't belong anywhere."

The latter seems to suffice for now.

I was playing my violin today, well trying, I was mostly trying to fix my violin today. I felt like maybe this is how I am .. I just need someone to string me back together, someone who is willing to take the time and be my friend. So that I will be able to be myself again. It's hard work though, being somebody's friend. Just like it was hard getting that string to fit right in the hole of the wooden peg; it too took time, but it was worth once I felt that exhilaration again, that power I feel when bow meets string, and the production is ALL mine.  I'm looking for that feeling in my life, that feeling of being alive and being in control. Now I just need to find the musician that can put me back together.
That's one good thing about my testimony; is I can speak to Heavenly Father through music, and he can speak back to me. It's amazing, because when words fail, music is there. And most of the time words fail.
A lot of things made me sad today. Hurtful words from a roommate, lyrics of my favorite song, the rejection of an invitation, walking out of a room full of strangers that cannot say goodbye, watching everyone come in after a fun time while I sat alone in the cemetery, the grave of a dead child....

But it's amazing, because so many things made me happy. The way the boy complimented my hair, sitting and listening to the piano, how I feel when President Monson speaks, listening to music, breathing in the smell of spring, laughing with Lisa and Alexa, going to a room full of girls, dancing with Larry, eating pink star-bursts, putting my head back when I laugh.

It's also amazing, how the greatest things also happen when I'm alone. Maybe that's me. Sister Solitude :)
At least every couple of moments I actually enjoy it.

luck

When the music isn't loud enough: my mind is. Notes that start here. At middle "C" And then I hear a minor key that grows.. it grows so big. Into notes that spell things I can't understand. My eyes close tight. And when I open them I am standing there again. With my arms open wide and my head bent back and my eyes to the sky.  In them reflected that blue and black and gray that I saw. My smile is big. Bigger than it has ever been. And I am spinning, spinning slowly and trying not to blink. And now my song is major: chord after chord and it's my voice saying the name of my piano, no! i am singing the name over and over again with the flow of the music. And then the smile fades from my face, and I am no longer looking into the sky but into the blue of my best friends eyes, and how they are frowning with her lips. Blink again and now I am looking into blackness. And there I see something that I know I will never have but will always want. And the music now, it is fading, so quiet it is almost to oblivion. And there I am again, sitting on the curb, looking into the blackness of the road. Alone. And here comes a violin solo that rings and I am conducting the blonde soloist  and I whisper the words "Can you play quieter" and he says "No, because that would be a shame." and looks up toward the sky. I start to cry because the music is getting so loud and I can no longer keep up with it. My tears create little rain drops on the deep red color of the wood floor. And in them I see  myself. I bend down trying to scoop them up, but they just break into smaller and smaller pieces. I lie down on my back. And close my eyes as tight as I can. And I see myself sitting at my favorite place, right in front of the piano. But there! Behind me is a group of people I don't know. They are crying. I stare at every single one of those people. Remembering each moment I shared with these strangers and then I understand. They are waiting. Waiting for me to play music to say good bye to a loved one. A Tribute. I turn back to face the black and white ivories and lay my fingers on their cool and smooth surfaces. And I continue my song with my own music. When I finish with a quiet "F" the crowd is barely breathing. And I am not breathing either. I can only sit there and look at that baby grand through the mist and fog in my eyes. But when I turn around. I am beaming! I open my mouth and laugh with that crowd, but they are gone. And I am at Andrea's house. Turning around in her empty family room, laughing at myself. Andrea comes around the corner though, and asks me if I would like to hear her play. And she plays. And she wrote it. And I am smiling more than ever because I realize it's the same song that I had been trying to write for years. And we share that. And I know that is why our friendship never will change. She walks to the window and opens the blinds and the sun is so bright, so I close my eyes tight and I am laying in the grass in a big empty field. I turn to the boy lying beside me. He is talking to me, but I am not listening. I watch as his fingers trace out different patterns in the clouds. And he starts singing a song about the sun and the moon. And working harder than I have ever worked. I start to cry because I don't remember the title, and he tries to tell me but I can't hear him. I am far away from him and from this perfect meadow we lie in. I am riding a rocking horse. And I hear the voice of D.H. Lawrence say the word "Luck" "Luck" "Luck" "Luck". And I start to repeat after him until I no longer have a voice to say it.  And it is raining hard. And I see him smile and I smile back at him. We are running, no sprinting through that warm rain. I catch up to him and he turns to pull me into his arms. And we are kissing and hugging and whispering words to each other. And there are other people but we don't care. Invincibility is rare, and I drink it in with that warm summer rain. Since this is so rare, it does not last long, and I find my windshield wipers have stopped working. And I am alone in my car. My breathing slowly fogs the inside of the window and I see the words that he wrote so long ago: I and love and you.  I angrily smear the moisture on the window across the words that meant nothing. And I close my eyes tight. And then I am standing there. So young, in the reflection of that boys glasses. My hair is in knots and is long and blond. I smile at that boy, but he frowns as he sees me look over my shoulder. "Why are you always doing that Sierra?" the boy asks. When I turn around I can no longer look into the eyes of a boy that judges no one. I only lay down on the grass and close my eyes as tight as I can. And I am falling through the grass.
And that feeling.
It wakes me up.

and stay so beautiful

It is that initiall bomb that changes everything.

A brake light in the snow,
A breeze in from the window.
And then BOOM.
A bomb you can't take back.

And now you are driving,
Far, far away.
Looking into the eyes of unfamiliar people
Pleading with them to just
Let go.

Let Go.

And now it is bright
Brighter than the sun
And all you are thinking is
How does that flower Bloom?

And stay so beautiful
When I bloom and grow to be something
Entirely different from Where I started.
How does that flower bloom?

And stay so beautiful?