"My Feelings"

Everything will be OK Perfect.
-safran foer

Raison d'Etre

So, I blog about books a lot because that is pretty much what I do. Everyday. So with finishing The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I had to go get a new book. So I bought Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. This book was just recently debuted as a film. I have seen the beginning, but not the end which is okay because I want to find the ending in the book.

I think the latest books I have read I really love because of my fascination with Autism. I find it very interesting for some reason and love learning about it. A couple of years ago I babysat a boy with Autism and got very curious about it. I read the book House Rules by Jodi Picoult about two years ago and that spiked my interest even more. I looked up her research on Autism and was amazed about all the information she learned. Just with reading Perks and starting Extremely I am really loving other authors takes on the issue and how they write first person from a character who suffers with Autism.

I love it. I love reading, because I love writing. It's my Raison d'Etre.

Here is a segment that I really love that I just read:

"What about little microphones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers which could be in the pouches of our overalls? When you skateboarded down the street at night you could hear everyone's heartbeat, and they could hear yours, sort of like a sonar. One weird thing is, I wonder if everyone's hearts would start to beat at the same time. That would be so weird, except that the place in the hospital where babies are born would sound like a crystal chandelier in a houseboat, because the babies wouldn't have had time to match up their heartbeats yet. And at the finish line at the end of the New York City Marathon it would sound like war."

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

So I just finished reading THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER  by Stephen Chbosky. I have always wanted to read the book but stayed away from it because it's "scandalous" which it was. But totally worth it! This was the first book in a long time that was, real. This book was life in a purity from the point of view of a sixteen year old boy. They made a film for this book, which I cannot decide if I will see or not but there is the trailer.

The question? Are we destined to follow in the footsteps of our parents? Are we "participants" as Charlie would say, or are we Wallflowers?  Do we only accept the love that we think we deserve?

The answer? 

I do think that we are some what destined to follow in the footsteps of our parents. We naturally look up to them and love them. We grow under their decisions and it is very natural for us to be the same as them as adults. On the other hand though I believe that we do make our own decisions, and we can choose characteristics that we like and don't like if we all have the will-power enough.

Personally, I believe that most people are "participants". People today are not only very self-concerned, but are very obsessive over the present. Charlie is an exception as a Wallflower, although I think that we all have a little Wallflower in us. What Charlie watches, he understands. Wallflowers are people that don't judge. Accepting people. I don't think there is very many people in the world that are that way.

With acceptance comes the question, what do we accept? Based on morals people accept a large range of other people that in their eyes are "different". And when it comes to love, I do believe that Sam was right when she says that we only accept the love that we think we deserve. As sad as that sounds, how does accepting love without feeling deserving of it sound? It come back to natural and sadly, in this day in age, we put what we deserve on a scale, and we are always to afraid to go above the line of deserving.

Excerpt {Twinkies}

So it's pretty amazing ... but I bought my first car! And it's not just a first car, but it's a blue slug bug! It's a 2010 Volkswagen beetle. I am very proud. Very proud.

And here is an excerpt from the book I'm reading right on cue:

    Dear friend,

I love Twinkies, and the reason I am saying that is because we are all supposed to think of reasons to live. In science class, Mr. Z. told us about an experiment where they got this rat or mouse, and they put this rat or mouse on one side of the cage. On the other side of the cage, they put a little piece of food. And this rat or mouse would walk over to the food and eat. Then, they put the rat or mouse back on it's original side, and this time, they put electricity all through the floor where the rat or mouse would have to walk to get the piece of food. They did this for a while, and the rat or mouse stopped going to get the food at a certain amount of voltage. Then, they repeated the experiment, but they replaced the food with something that gave the mouse or rat intense pleasure. I don't know what it was that gave them intense pleasure, but I am guessing it is some kind of rat or mouse nip. Anyway, what the scientist found out was that the rat or mouse would put up with a lot more voltage for the pleasure. Even more than for the food.

        I don't know the significance of this, but I find it very interesting.

                                   Love always,

                                         Charlie

Okay back to me. Sorry about how long that is but I also find it very interesting, just as Charlie did and just as Chbosky did. The question is what is the significance of this? And, if comparing to humans, which I am sure this is referring to, what is it that drives us through trials? I know, it's love, and the faith we have in our very own happily ever afters.

Blue Fields

   There is something familiar about summer. Things I have been up to lately is writing a short novel, which I am really proud of, watching plays, working, shopping, and dreaming very often. My short novel is called "Those Who Paint the Sky Green". I named it off of a famous quote by Adolf Hitler that says "Those who paint the sky green and the fields blue ought to be sterilized." I feel like that quote puts much of Hitler's flaws into the light.  I went to Tuachan on a mommy-daughter date with Shaynae and Marvene and my Mom. We went and saw Hairspray which was AMAZING!!! Of course I have worked a lot, since my job is full time but I love my job, it allows me to meet a lot of new people while still staying close to my friends and family. The money isn't bad either since I am still planning on paying for all of college by myself. I go to St. George often just to hang out and shop.
   Most importantly there are dreams and music and writing. Which are definitely the best parts of summer.   My friends and I plan road trips and dream of our futures. I am reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which is a scandalous book but has some amazing points. A lot of time, when I am here and comfortable I do feel "infinite". I think that all of us do. It's something about the sun and words. When they mix everything seems beautiful.
   There is a bird on my cotton tree right now that is the most beautiful I have ever seen on that cotton tree. That's the magic of it, right there, every second of every day.
    And something else? My hair has been up in a bun of a sort that I made up. I missed having my hair up.. It makes me stop hiding and accepting myself for who I am. I will wear it up a lot more often I think now. At least until it grows out.
     My Dad just sang a song that says "OOOOO how I wish I could be sierra copeland!" and I said "It's actually pretty average." and my Dad said "I think you have a good life." and I said because it came so naturally "I do have a good life" and that makes us both smile.

Ideas

It has been a long time since I have written anything, that purely came from me.
I have ideas.

pretty things

Feel my hair blowing in the wind 
See the sky and the summer rain 
Pick a flower from the garden for you 
Beyond the lane there's another world 
Butterflies floating in the air 
But is there someone out there for me? 

And so life goes on, day after day 
With knick-knacks on the floor, nooks and crannies 
I live in a tiny world 
But out there, someone waits for me. 
I wish I had someone to watch over me 
In my dreams O I wish I could..

Bunheads

I am excited for tonight, to watch Bunheads!! Amy Palladino has been writing again and I am so excited to see her work!

Something Worthwhile

City Creek

My fortune was : "Your credits are slowly adding up"

Just some recent pics of me

I wanted to sit and write about something worthwhile. I think I am past the point of no return. I am so tired from this long crazy week!

where creation happens

"Forever feels.... untouched. Open, all the way to the horizon. But it's not empty like the bank. Not at all. Forever is stuffed full of... possibility. Potential. A blank canvas waiting for me to paint something, or draw something. To make. To change. Forever is where creation happens."

"I dream of standing still. I am tired of feeling like I'm flying when I know I'm really falling. I want to rest. I want to find silence again. People think edges are bad, but they are really there to keep us from falling to pieces. They don't hold us back, they hold us in. They hold us together."

"Darkness is a harsh term, don't you think?"

Wish

"He would always wish for the sun to shine tomorrow so that the flowers would bloom and make Mother happy." "He was always more concerned about other people more than himself."
"What kind of things did you wish for?"
"Oh, I never made a wish myself."
"Why not?"
"I don't know. Maybe it was because I didn't want to look at my life and see what was missing. Once you identify what you lack, then it's all you see anymore. Wanting something I couldn't have would only lead to unhappiness, so I tried to be content with what I had."
"That's terrible. It misses the whole point of wishing. It's not to focus on what you don't have; it's to show you what could be. Once you know what you want, then you know what to reach for, what to dream about. It's how you change things." -Lisa Mangum

Never Know

You never know what's coming. Not in the future years, the future weeks and days, the next ten seconds. Every blink of your eye is worth so much, and the next time you blink is worth even more. Every time we blink, every time we take a breath, or open our eyes in the morning is one more year, one more day, one more second we get to enjoy. Something that we wouldn't trade for anything. So why is it taken for granted?
Why would we? We all believe that "that" will happen to someone else. Even though it is inevitable, we try not to think about it. We think about today, we think about tomorrow. Every now and then we will think far ahead. We dream.
But we never know, really. We never know.

"Is there any memories you would like to erase?"

"It's always easier to go through trials, when you know your everything is waiting at the end."

Unraveled

Sometimes I feel like I spend ever day searching for a theme. I like to find themes in my day-to-day life. It helps me see the bigger picture, and it helps me think deeper. I hear it in music, read it in books, see it in theatre, smell it in the air, feel it at the edge of my fingertips.

And the theme recently is what we are. What i'm made of. I was at work enjoying my book and it was silly, but it was talking about Unraveling. Making me wonder how memories are made, and if I was unraveled, what pieces of string would be left for people to put together. In the Avengers (lol) a comment was made that reminded me of this unraveling. "Do you know what it is like to be unmade?"
Un-made
Unraveled.

Un.

We all really do have souls, pieces of memories all tied together that create who we are. What we are made of. Raw emotion tied into feelings and thoughts.. hopes and dreams. God gives a string, and we begin to create intricate knots. We create our lives. In the hunger games Finnick ties and unties knots. It helps keep him focused. In more of a deeper sense I feel he is trying to untie memories, and retie them just how he wants. He focuses on the present, on what he can do to change the future. The only thing in our grasps.

Sometimes we all feel unraveled. We question our existence. We question our desires. We question who we are, who we are supposed to be. If we focus on tying the knots, focus on what we can do now, not what we could've done. We will all tie ourselves back together.