I think I have mentioned this before, how suddenly things start fitting together and your life between school, work, friends and family just begins to fit together like really we are just fitting together a puzzle and the hardest part is finding the right piece. I am trying to find that right piece, and I seem to have lost it. It's like everything is just so close to being right that I know that there is only one decision, one person, one moment missing.
I can be patient, but not for forever.
I'm used to being alone, but not this alone. I am used to having friends, but not this good of friends. I am at a weird happy medium where I spend 99 percent of my time alone, but my friends that are left and my family that is left loves me more than ever. When my Dad died I didn't just lose my Dad. I lost myself. I lost people that once cared about me. I lost security. I gained a lot though, knowledge, faith and testimony, hope. I am just trying to find the balance of these things and figure out how they trade off. I want them to be an equal trade, but I feel like I would give up anything to talk to my Dad one last time.
I am even more sad when I think that on his birthday, Nov 8. , I hardly even thought about him. I was so busy with work and school that I didn't even shed a tear for him. I call this shame, my mom calls it good, and my sister calls it normal. He wasn't there to celebrate it, that is why we mourn it.
The last day, the 24th, my Dad was so happy! We went to the 24th parade and then to the little park games, I saw Andrea. I went to work. When I got home my Dad walked in the door after me. He was so happy and talked for an hour about life and happiness. Then we went to bed. That night didn't change me, just my view of myself. I was not the person I had always imagined to be. I went out in the front yard and dry heaved while I left my mom and little sister to deal with the trauma. Something is wrong with me. My mom says not to dwell on things like this. Things that will make me sad that don't matter. But I can't get this out of my my head. This makes up who I am. I did tell my Dad this, the day before he died. He didn't seem to worried about it, except he died the next day and I didn't really have time to make it up to him or my family. I was really strong for awhile, that is how I thought I would make it up to them. I wouldn't cry and I would tell them everything was going to be okay even though I knew it wasn't. I remember coming home from the hospital at three in the morning. The house was dark. No one knew what to do. Shelby fell asleep on the floor. The house had even changed it's perspective of me.