The Whole Time

It's been fun to watch my life change and form beneath your fingers. I used to blog all of the time. I loved to write because it felt good to me. It felt good to write and pretend that it went out into this alternate universe we call the internet. I like to pretend that people read it and that they cared and that they understood. But then one day, (July 24 2012) I grew up and realized that nobody really gives a shit about me and my life and my dad. It was weird to see how the world just went on without me. Without my dad. Without my family. The universe didn't care that I was missing. So I fell deeper into the void of despair and loneliness and decided that if the universe didn't give a shit about me I sure as hell do not give a shit about the universe. Then, one of the next important days of my life I realized that I couldn't survive without the universe. I mean its that moment where your pride is stripped from you when you realize that you need something, but that something doesn't need you. So I started to return to the world. I would make contact, smile at other people, comment in class, forget about the universe forgetting me. I sat at the piano bench for hours trying to remember someone else in the universe and trying to honor that like I wished someone would have honored me. I found myself daydreaming again about life and how it goes on, with or without me and I might as well be there because what else am I doing. Another great day was when I realized that so many people don't give a shit and the universe still seems to give a shit about them. I hate that. The next day I realized that there were people who really give a shit, but the universe could care less about them. I keep wondering why life's pathways are so bumpy and confusing, and really windy. I am reading the Silver Linings Playbook and I love Pat People's because Pat People's gives a shit about a universe that doesn't give a shit about him. Bad things happen just like clouds cover the sun on the rainy days, but like Pat we just need to see the silver rim of the cloud instead of the black abyss of evaporated water that blocks the warmth and light the sun is so willing to share. I guess that is what happened. All the sudden my cloud lit up like the Las Vegas Strip and I understand the smallest fraction of the universe and why and how and when. My eyes were opened wide to who I was, what I was, and what I wanted to be. All the sudden the cloud didn't seem that dark. In fact, the darkness made it possible to see how bright the sun really was the whole time.