Every now and then a giant alarm clock rings so loud and brings you out of that sleeping delirium and into reality, or what you know as reality. Life keeps changing and changing and we never seem to know what we are really getting ourselves into until we are to deep to even bother to swim back out. Sometimes we end up questioning how we are or how we act and how others perceive us. I'm pretty sure others perceive me as pretty weird. I don't really want to change myself for others, as long as I am happy, right? Other people making me feel bad about myself doesn't make me feel happy at all.
I guess I get confused on who I am and what I want and what is actually going to happen. They say that if you work hard for your dreams, that they will come true. That's not true at all now is it. There is fate, all looming and large, standing in the way of everything. When my Dad died it was one of those alarm clocks screaming FATE FATE FATE FATE. Hitting the snooze button doesn't help, it just rings again in two minutes. Life changes fast. Life changes so fast sometimes that you are left chasing after it, not wanting to stay where you were, but not sure where you are heading either. Sometimes, life changes so slow, that you didn't even know it changed until long after the fact.
Getting anxiety came on slow for me. It's funny because getting anxiety was an effect of life changing too fast. There were to many tears that I held in that dripped to my heart and made me feel sick all of the time. It is possible for emotions to be trapped and stuck. Good emotions will make you smile and laugh, bad emotions will kill you in the end I believe.
So all in all, bad emotions started to kill me. I am sad that I let something take a hold of me like that. I like to be in charge but I never am. Dreams keep us hoping, but reality alarms kill dreams. I don't want to sound that all my dreams are dead. A lot of my dreams came after I hit that snooze button seven times. They came to fill a void.
I guess in the end I had to have that void. I had to be woken up from a dream that wasn't going to be my reality. This is how I have to live life now. I have to love it, and I love it more and more everyday. Nothing can replace my Dad, but I can chase him and chase him, even knowing that I will never catch him. Chasing him brings me happiness that I can't have otherwise. Chasing him brings me hope that things won't always be this way.
