Last Day and Number Seven

It is the last day of April!!! AHHHH! Which means my horror of finals weeks must begin in less than twenty four hours!! I am most afraid for my french final... Sigh. I don't know if I will be able to pass that!
Anyways for Number Seven

I think my favorite item(s) would be my instruments. I love them to death. These along with my scriptures are probably amongst the top of my most treasured items list.

Number 6

Rory Gilmore
A person I would like to switch places with for a day!

Number Five

My favorite memory?
Much to hard to decide. :)

Number Four

I can't really post a picture of my FAVORITE night... but all the nights I spent with my family in New York were pretty good. :) This is a picture from the Hill Cumorah pageant!

intelligent design has nothing to do with it

Number Three

GILMORE GIRLS!

Today I am supposed to write about my favorite tv show.. which would be Gilmore Girls!! Ironically, I am watching Gilmore Girls as I write. When I was sixteen I saw an episode of Gilmore Girls on ABC Family. They were off the air and only showing reruns. I was interested, but became even more interested when a friend (Calee) said that her and her mom loved Gilmore Girls! I knew I had to see this. I bought the first season at Barnes and Noble and fell in love! My family and I watched one or two episodes every night, and for my sixteenth birthday I got the second and third seasons. I was IN LOVE! Since then I have watched all seven seasons over five times. I love them and they never get old. I would definitely recommend them to every girl and her mother in the whole world. They are pretty clean, funny, and have enough drama that isn't overwhelming. Also, I have learned all the wit that I might have from Gilmore Girls. Anyways, great show. Thank you Paladinos! 

From Finner

So I am back.. I feel like Charlie McDonnel in the fact that I am just blogging a TON! But it feels good. He just posted a video where he talks about quality over quantity. Right now: Quantity.

Today I did Baptisms for the Dead at the Logan Utah Temple. It was beautiful and a great experience! When I move to Cedar I think I will regret not going to the temple more when I was so close to it. :(
Lesson learned I guess.  I don't have a ton to write about... but I will write! I do not want to break the chain. Today I presented my french presentation Ma Famille. I feel like I did pretty good.. a five-six minute presentation in french is no easy feat.

Classes are winding down here in Logan. This dead week seemed so ironic because my teachers were all giving us a ton of homework, but now, by thursday, I realized that is has the name "Dead Week" for the feeling of the students. We are all just done, dead of school. I am SO ready for St. George. I am pretty darn sad about leaving Logan. I question my decision a lot, but feel good about it more than I doubt it. I think that I will go buy an actual nice journal tomorrow. I don't know .. I am split about what to put in it..
So I guess we will find out.

I hope that next semester I will be able to focus more on school. This semester seemed so hit and run the whole time. In fact, none of my teachers have posted my grades! I don't know how good/bad i'm doing. For most of my classes I feel like it is probably leaning towards the good side. But I also have classes where I know they are on the bad side...

Anyway, I had a good day... Looking forward for the end of next week!!

PS Andrea is an Aunt to Allison Judith Barney!!!!! GO JOSH AND RACHEL!

Number Two

The person that I have been closest to the longest...
I would have to say good ole Andrea Barney.

We have been friends since I can remember, and I feel that she has always been there for me. We kind of went through our childhood with each other by our sides. I love her a ton! I am excited to be living in cedar where I will get to see her more often!

My 69 Awkward Moments

I was inspired by a book with this title. Which seems so silly, but I feel like I could go somewhere with that as well. I feel like the internet has taken on this "meme movement" which in and of itself is awkward, but the point is that many of these memes begin with "That awkward moment when.." And then goes on to say something either very awkward or something very stupid. Yes, it is usually a gamble. I feel like if I would write my life story it might start out with.. "That awkward moment when Sierra was born." Which is kinda okay with me.

Number One!

1. I love my moms homemade mac and cheese..
2. I watch Gilmore Girls almost everyday
3. I don't like strangers standing very close to me
4. I love to learn, but hate doing homework
5. I am indecisive
6. I miss my family more than anyone and anything
7. I like to complain, but regret it when I do
8. I love to write, play music, and talk
9. I am not good at meeting new people because I am very shy.
10. I am proud to belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

30 DAY CHALLENGE

1. A picture of yourself with 10 facts
2. A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
3. A picture of the cast from your favorite show
4. A picture of your favorite night
5. A picture of your favorite memory
6. A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
7. A picture of your most treasured item
8. A picture that makes you laugh
9. A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
10. A picture of the person you do the most ****** up things with
11. A picture of something you hate
12. A picture of something you love
13. A picture of your favorite band or artist
14. A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
15. A picture of something you want to do before you die
16. A picture of someone who inspires you
17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
18. A picture of your biggest insecurity
19. A picture and a letter
20. A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
21. A picture of something you wish you could forget
22. A picture of something you wish you were better at
23. A picture of your favorite book
24. A picture of something you wish you could change
25. A picture of your favorite day
26. A picture of something that means a lot to you
27. A picture of yourself and a family member
28. A picture of something you're afraid of
29. A picture that can always make you smile
30. A picture of someone you miss

I saw a friend #AGIRLANDHERGUITAR do this and she kind of quit. I thought I would see how far I could get! I am going to start today!

Dandelion Seeds

Hello there Charlie!
Well a couple of days ago I wanted to do a "Chain" like Charlie McDonnel and Jerry Seinfeld. And I started two chains. One was to write for thirty minutes each day... and the other to read one chapter of my scriptures and say two prayers each day. Both are failing miserably. What is wrong with me?!

THE LOOK OF THE FAILURE

Anyway.. This is me writing for my chain. I am enjoying my last two weeks here in logan... I am pretty sad whenever I think about leaving. There are so many things that I hope that I will never forget here. Well, I will save this stuff for later :)

One thing Logan definitely has over Hurricane is Spring.

Hurricane doesn't have a spring... it has a winter and summer, but spring last for like 3 hours. Literally.

Here though, I can smell spring! Just walking down the street the air is thick with the scent of blossoms and fresh grass. The sun is warm, but not overwhelming. Every one is starting to come out of there cocoons like a new butterfly. It is really pretty, watching not only the earth wake up, but people wake up too. Now since I am pretty talented at being pessimistic I will tell you what also happens that almost ALMOST takes away the joys of spring. It is an evil plan developed by professors of all that they named FINALS. While all of us should be waking up and smiling we end up being inside on our laptops writing papers, reading textbooks, preparing final presentations. 

Now since I can also be optimistic I will say this. It is a very good thing that the end of the ear is not in the dead of February. We need the earth to be happy to push us all through this stressful time in our lives. Well, hopefully with this spring in summer I will blossom into a beautiful flower just like the rest of the little dandelion seeds. Hopefully all will go well with this so called "Dead Week" where everything is coming to life and just like it's title everything seems so ironic.

A huge bee flew into my room today.. we didn't kill it because bee's are apparently going extinct. I am pretty mad at that little bee though.. I really enjoyed having my window up all the time. It made my air just a little easier to breathe and I loved the smell of life.

Flawed

I'm too sensitive. I was thinking about how I go about changing that, but I don't know if I really can. I can hide it, like everything else, but I don't think that I want to. I have been that way since I was kid. I remember crying as I saw a boy trip and fall, or that whenever my sister got sick I would cry and cry. Growing up that sensitivity to what others feel and think has evolved. To what other people think is a flaw. Which it can be. But how am I supposed to get rid of something like that. Something that has defined me for years and years. 

I can't.

Rory Gilmore Sex Boat

In the sixth season Peris Geller makes a reference to the blog-o-sphere about how the community of Yale found out about her and Logan stealing a yacht for a joy ride and blogged about it. I wanted to be blog about it.
So, Rory Gilmore Sex Boat. There is the story :)

Dream

Alone again, under the blankets, rap music blasting until it hurts. This how I fell asleep and this is what I dreamed about in the 32 minutes that I was asleep. I was driving in Ogden with a girl that I met in college but don't really know that well. We didn't talk much, until we had to stop on the side of a freeway entrance. She went and bought a car so she didn't have to be with anymore. I didn't care though, I congratulated her. The reason we were stopped was because a family I know from Hurricane car had broken down. I was making light conversation with them until I saw my Dad. He came up and grabbed my hand and took me down by some modern train tracks. We didn't have time to talk because a loud rumble came up and the UTA front runner came around the corner and stopped with a loud screech, the door right by my face. The rumble under my feet took a sudden stop and I took a couple steps back to look at the size of this thing. The train was completely white and had light blue tinted windows. In those windows I could see everything and everyone I loved. My eyes quickly glanced across the whole left side of the train. When my eyes reached the end of the trains they just had time to catch my Dad climbing through the open door. "Wait!" I cried. "Please wait for me!" But the door shut quicker than I could blink. The motor started up with a loud growl and out of fear I started running for the front of the train, so I could tell the Conductor to please open the door and let one more person in, to try and explain how everyone and everything I loved was in that train. But the train didn't have a front, it just kept going on and on, the white with the blue windows, faces haunting me with tears in their eyes, putting their hands against the windows, yelling words of inspiration, telling me to keep on running. So I ran and I ran and I ran. I yelled words back at them, no I screamed them. Begging them to help me. The music of the rapper mapped out my every step. I ran until I fell over. I ran until I gave up. The train took off, and it quickly gained momentum, and before I could scream "Dad!" one more time it was gone. I laid down on that soot covered ground and cried and cried. I felt really claustrophobic and tried to open my eyes. I could see the blue and green of my bedspread but I couldn't keep my eyes open. Days went by. Until one day when I could open my eyes. Take out my headphones. Pull the covers off of my head.
And realize that everything was just a dream.      

Decision

It's a word that haunts. It seems that in this life we are constantly in a process named Decision. Every day we decide simple things. Like when we will smile, or when we will speak. Every day we decide huge things, like what kind of person we will be, where we will go, and who we will see. Really, it's decision that writes our life story. That's why, when we meet decision face-to-face, we are afraid and intimidated. We would rather never see decision, we would rather that decision be simple, and always have our back turned  to it. But that is not how life works. Every now and then something makes us look over our shoulder, and it makes us look Decision right in the eye. We stare and stare, until we are forced to speak. To make that Decision worth something. That force, it will always be driving us whether we want it to or not.
And now, that force is forcing me to speak.
The problem is, is that I never know the right thing to say.

As A Child

Oh to be young :)  I think that is the deepest and greatest of all my wishes. That I could reverse the clock, never age, and be a child for the rest of my life. That's why I have always loved Peter Pan!!! I would definitely live in Never Land if I had the choice! 

Youth is something tangible, once it is over. When you think about it you can almost taste the memories and feel the sweet innocence we all once had. Everyone is beautiful, no one is flawed. Every one is your best friend and nothing anyone can do or say will change who you really are. You believe anything that is told to you, you sleep a lot. You love to play outside and every small insect is a whole adventure to be taken. Your imagination is free and unrestricted by the cares of the world. Being young is so close to being perfect. And now I am so far. I am excited for the day that I will be able to return to that perfection through the love of Christ and become "as a child" through him. 

Every Tear Is A Waterfall.

Life is ironic.  I read a quote that said that whatever it is that you can't stop thinking about, wishing about, and hoping about is what is truly in your heart. No matter how high I turn the music up, I can't stop thinking of home.

"I want to have friends that I can trust. That love me for the person i've become, not for who I was. I want to have friends that let me be all alone when being alone is all that I need. I want to fit in to the perfect space. Feel natural and safe and of all the tiled place. "

Home.

Like i've said, the hardest thing is seeing the thing you love most in your rearview mirror. That feeling you get after laying in the grass for too long.  I hate it, but love it. That's how I feel about living here. So when I'm laying there under that summer sun, how do I decide to leave the grass? Even though my skin is itching I might decide to stay, or that itch might become to painful, and I will have to leave.

I hate people that go out their way to make you feel stupid.
I love people that go out of their way to make you feel smart.

They talk so loud, I can still hear them over my music which is as loud as it can go. And it hurts my ears. And no one cares. Except my home.
25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 more days.

I cried today. I cried a lot. Out of anger, hurt, frustration, happiness, confusion, ...leaving.

If I could write how I felt into music, it would be a lot easier. But for now..... This will have to do.

Happy Easter

chapter one: sister solitude (tries to) makes a decision.

It's true. I'm a negative person. I'm openly admitting it. But did everyone ever wonder why people become negative. I wasn't born this way....It's called having a bad time. A lot of people I know have never had one of these, but for me..It's a natural occurrence that comes along to strengthen my testimony I guess. But I know that this time of being alone has really helped.. something... :) I guess I will figure that out later. I have more important things to figure out now... Like where I need to be, where will I fit in, where do I belong?
A huge part of me says "NOT HERE!"
but another part of me says... "what makes you think you will belong in cedar?"
And then I think "maybe I don't belong anywhere."

The latter seems to suffice for now.

I was playing my violin today, well trying, I was mostly trying to fix my violin today. I felt like maybe this is how I am .. I just need someone to string me back together, someone who is willing to take the time and be my friend. So that I will be able to be myself again. It's hard work though, being somebody's friend. Just like it was hard getting that string to fit right in the hole of the wooden peg; it too took time, but it was worth once I felt that exhilaration again, that power I feel when bow meets string, and the production is ALL mine.  I'm looking for that feeling in my life, that feeling of being alive and being in control. Now I just need to find the musician that can put me back together.
That's one good thing about my testimony; is I can speak to Heavenly Father through music, and he can speak back to me. It's amazing, because when words fail, music is there. And most of the time words fail.
A lot of things made me sad today. Hurtful words from a roommate, lyrics of my favorite song, the rejection of an invitation, walking out of a room full of strangers that cannot say goodbye, watching everyone come in after a fun time while I sat alone in the cemetery, the grave of a dead child....

But it's amazing, because so many things made me happy. The way the boy complimented my hair, sitting and listening to the piano, how I feel when President Monson speaks, listening to music, breathing in the smell of spring, laughing with Lisa and Alexa, going to a room full of girls, dancing with Larry, eating pink star-bursts, putting my head back when I laugh.

It's also amazing, how the greatest things also happen when I'm alone. Maybe that's me. Sister Solitude :)
At least every couple of moments I actually enjoy it.

luck

When the music isn't loud enough: my mind is. Notes that start here. At middle "C" And then I hear a minor key that grows.. it grows so big. Into notes that spell things I can't understand. My eyes close tight. And when I open them I am standing there again. With my arms open wide and my head bent back and my eyes to the sky.  In them reflected that blue and black and gray that I saw. My smile is big. Bigger than it has ever been. And I am spinning, spinning slowly and trying not to blink. And now my song is major: chord after chord and it's my voice saying the name of my piano, no! i am singing the name over and over again with the flow of the music. And then the smile fades from my face, and I am no longer looking into the sky but into the blue of my best friends eyes, and how they are frowning with her lips. Blink again and now I am looking into blackness. And there I see something that I know I will never have but will always want. And the music now, it is fading, so quiet it is almost to oblivion. And there I am again, sitting on the curb, looking into the blackness of the road. Alone. And here comes a violin solo that rings and I am conducting the blonde soloist  and I whisper the words "Can you play quieter" and he says "No, because that would be a shame." and looks up toward the sky. I start to cry because the music is getting so loud and I can no longer keep up with it. My tears create little rain drops on the deep red color of the wood floor. And in them I see  myself. I bend down trying to scoop them up, but they just break into smaller and smaller pieces. I lie down on my back. And close my eyes as tight as I can. And I see myself sitting at my favorite place, right in front of the piano. But there! Behind me is a group of people I don't know. They are crying. I stare at every single one of those people. Remembering each moment I shared with these strangers and then I understand. They are waiting. Waiting for me to play music to say good bye to a loved one. A Tribute. I turn back to face the black and white ivories and lay my fingers on their cool and smooth surfaces. And I continue my song with my own music. When I finish with a quiet "F" the crowd is barely breathing. And I am not breathing either. I can only sit there and look at that baby grand through the mist and fog in my eyes. But when I turn around. I am beaming! I open my mouth and laugh with that crowd, but they are gone. And I am at Andrea's house. Turning around in her empty family room, laughing at myself. Andrea comes around the corner though, and asks me if I would like to hear her play. And she plays. And she wrote it. And I am smiling more than ever because I realize it's the same song that I had been trying to write for years. And we share that. And I know that is why our friendship never will change. She walks to the window and opens the blinds and the sun is so bright, so I close my eyes tight and I am laying in the grass in a big empty field. I turn to the boy lying beside me. He is talking to me, but I am not listening. I watch as his fingers trace out different patterns in the clouds. And he starts singing a song about the sun and the moon. And working harder than I have ever worked. I start to cry because I don't remember the title, and he tries to tell me but I can't hear him. I am far away from him and from this perfect meadow we lie in. I am riding a rocking horse. And I hear the voice of D.H. Lawrence say the word "Luck" "Luck" "Luck" "Luck". And I start to repeat after him until I no longer have a voice to say it.  And it is raining hard. And I see him smile and I smile back at him. We are running, no sprinting through that warm rain. I catch up to him and he turns to pull me into his arms. And we are kissing and hugging and whispering words to each other. And there are other people but we don't care. Invincibility is rare, and I drink it in with that warm summer rain. Since this is so rare, it does not last long, and I find my windshield wipers have stopped working. And I am alone in my car. My breathing slowly fogs the inside of the window and I see the words that he wrote so long ago: I and love and you.  I angrily smear the moisture on the window across the words that meant nothing. And I close my eyes tight. And then I am standing there. So young, in the reflection of that boys glasses. My hair is in knots and is long and blond. I smile at that boy, but he frowns as he sees me look over my shoulder. "Why are you always doing that Sierra?" the boy asks. When I turn around I can no longer look into the eyes of a boy that judges no one. I only lay down on the grass and close my eyes as tight as I can. And I am falling through the grass.
And that feeling.
It wakes me up.

and stay so beautiful

It is that initiall bomb that changes everything.

A brake light in the snow,
A breeze in from the window.
And then BOOM.
A bomb you can't take back.

And now you are driving,
Far, far away.
Looking into the eyes of unfamiliar people
Pleading with them to just
Let go.

Let Go.

And now it is bright
Brighter than the sun
And all you are thinking is
How does that flower Bloom?

And stay so beautiful
When I bloom and grow to be something
Entirely different from Where I started.
How does that flower bloom?

And stay so beautiful?

"in honor of tomorrow"

Everyday we live "in honor of tomorrow".
That's why we cry when someone we loves runs out of them. That's why I cry.

Everyday we live "in honor of tomorrow".
That's why we smile every night once the lights go off and our eyelids shut,  we smile for the hope that tomorrow never fails to bring. That's why I smile.

It's when I saw that fire burn away all of my memories. The ashes rising to the sky, burning my eyes, filling the air with death, filling my lungs. But meanwhile, as I stared into that blue sky filled with gray  and pieces of pictures, words, meaningless now, I couldn't help but smile. Because like those memories, I too am floating on the hope that tomorrow always brings a new day, a new idea, a new friend, and something to live for.

Today I lived for that late night walk with friends. How the air was cold against my face, waking me up from the inside out, bringing tears to my eyes. Stinging. Seeing the lights of the city, seeing the lights of the brilliant city that He built in the sky. It's these small moments that I remember that I am braver than I think, and that no matter what the circumstances I will learn to fly "in honor of tomorrow."

{Sincerely Sierra}

The Hunger Games

Well, One of the most anticipated events since graduating High School... Me and Jenna have been anticipating this even for years!!!! I wasn't able to see the movie with Jenna but my roommates were definitely a perfect alternative. The movie was fantastic!
I don't have a ton to say about it other than how much of a marker of time it is for me. It has been so many years of waiting and wondering, of sitting in the office with calee trying to guess what actor/actress was going to play which character. It seems so silly now, after those years of waiting. But this is definitely something that will mark my teenage years forever...

and may the odds be ever in your favor!!

Piece

It's hardest, right now, because no more tears will come out. I want to say something, yell it scream it. I hate feeling so contained. I want to go home more than anything else, with people who actually know me and care about me. Maybe I should just accept that I have no friends here. Right before I moved I accepted it, i accepted being alone. Just to be hurt again. It's obviously me, just like Erika said. I know that they whisper about me. After I'm gone.  It's hard to be alone, and to hear laughter right outside. Without me.
I like to be home, if i close my eyes I am so close.. i can almost believe that I am there. Where the sun shines, and my smile comes alive again. It's harder than anything to be here. That mountain in the distance, it looks familiar...

I'm sick of people looking at me like that.
Like i'm nothing but a piece of sh*t in their eyes.

Team Finnick/ Team Peeta

Blogging from Alexa's apartment...

Check


Check.

Oh yes. I changed from team peeta to team finnick. lets see how that works :)

HUNGER GAMES COMING OUT TOMORROW NIGHT!

do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

Skinny Love

I always manage to come back to writing, don't I?
I can't get away from it.

I am so sick. I found this bottle on my desk after school today, a bottle filled with my weaknesses. I can't look at it anymore, so i locked it in a box. I feel betrayed, and I don't know who to trust. I think I can see that there is nothing special about me, a girl that cant stand to open up to anyone. It makes me hate that they know me.... or think they do. I am angry because I don't know who I am to tell anyone, to show anyone, everything I am is a charade, not because I want it to be.
I am so sick of being underestimated, sick of people who are even more naive than I am. People who judge, and who make up their minds on a first glance. I'm sick of being used. I don't even make a dent.

Not one dent.

And I know that I'm not beautiful. And I know I am not who everyone thinks I am, or wants me to be. The truth is , I am empty.  When I look through my eyes, every single person is so beautiful. Then everyone goes and taints that. What is wrong with you?!  I have been without friends. And I know how to be my own. Even I wrote in my 4th grade journal about a friend named Sam, who did not have any eyes. No eyes to look into when I needed reassurance. Just a black shadow, that never did anything for herself.

Please, i'm begging everyone.

Open Your Eyes. Not Everyone Has Them.

Blank Screen

Sometimes it's nice to look at a blank screen, and a keyboard in front of you with all the letters you need to make a word, all the words you need to make a sentence, and all the sentences you need to tell your story, letting your life flow through your fingers, and being able to see it from an outside perspective. I think that is what I love about writing. I love how we have the ability to create something that can last forever.  Like how I feel like I have known Beethoven my whole life when I play Moonlight Sonata on the piano. Or how I can understand what D.H. Lawrence felt when he wrote The Rocking Horse Winner.

I love how when I run out of words, there is always someone there to put some more in for me.

Someday, maybe someone will know me, from something I left behind, and I will fill in the gaps. So that this is worth it.

I love how I can be anywhere I could imagine at anytime I want! It creates a safe haven. I want to be that safe haven. Whether people find that place in my words or my eyes, in my smile. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I will leave behind I feel that I am missing what people leave for me.

It's that feeling when you knew you did something wrong, how it is the exact opposite of the feeling when you knew you did something right. Or when you are laying in the dark at night, and a tear is on your pillow and you don't know how it got there.

It's when you can't stop smiling when someone says hello, and you secretly turn back and wish they weren't walking away. Or that happiness that swells up inside and comes out in a scream, or through water in your eyes. How emotion is in charge, and how it controls our actions. It's the feeling when you look at your hands and realize you cannot fathom all of the amazing things we can do.

It's realizing how grateful you are for that breath you just took.


Or when you are finally finished with something.


And finally starting something new.

I love this!

Yesterday me and my roommates Kallin and Karli were talking about how sometimes we only write about the sad things in our lives. Well, I have a good one today. I got a 96 on my statistics test!
And my Dad is doing well..
And I can see God's hand in everything!

I love this!

Je Connais

je connais. i know.  I KNOW.


I know. Today I knew and tomorrow, I will remember.

I WILL remember.

Je Connais

I have started to learn to appreciate people since the big move. I have learned that other people is what make up who I  am.

Je Connais

“If I could choose anyway to tell my story it would be through the voice of an aquaintance I once had. In the telling of it all her voice might strain, but it will mainly be sweet, like thick honey, and she could be a jazz singer.” I look down from my daydream because I know I have said too much. I look into the gray eyes of the boy in front of me.

“What’s your name again?” I ask for the fourth time after a long silence.

“It’s Preston.” He lets out a long sigh before he speaks again. “I think the best way to record a story is through extensive, and effective journal writing.”  Now it’s my turn to sigh. I start flipping through the textbook to find something to talk about. I hate working in groups. There is a third party to this group and his name is Thomas. I know I would like Thomas, because he just sits there, through the whole discussion like he doesn’t give a shit about life. I like that, even though it means I have to sit here and work with Preston alone.

“So fine, let’s write this paper about journal writing then.” I quietly say. Pretending to dive into my text book I check and see if I have a text message. It’s 9:37 a.m. and no text mesage. I look back up to Preston and see he is starting the first paragraph to our essay. The professor had us grade our peers and I gave both Preston and Thomas top scores. Preston put down his peer evaluation and I saw that he had given me a straight “C” while Thomas got an “A”. Putting all of my papers and books back into my backpack I just stand up and leave those two boys. Maybe next week I will be able to help, and I find myself thinking that Preston is sexist.

I lived in the same place for eighteen years. Before I moved one year ago, I never appreciated how much that town was a part of me. It wasn’t until I left, did I realize exactly what I was leaving.

My name is Sierra Copeland. The most significant thing about me is that I can think, and I can think to anyone or anything. Everyday I walk through the largest cemetary I have ever seen to get back to my apartment from campus. When I’m in there ninety-nine percent of the time I am thinking, and the other one percent is spent practicing my french. I have been in that cemetary at night a few times. Once to see about a Halloween legend, that a young girl buried there cries at midnight. She doesn’t. She is happy she is dead. Another I spent running and crying, my nose running heavily becuase it was below freezing. I was running to change what I never could. And if those dead people could, they would have been running with me. “Je connais, je connais, je connais.” I whisper to myself over 127 times.

and the things that keep me alive, keep me alone.

when i feel the most real.

-when i am crying

-when i am looking back on a thousand graves

-when i am laughing, talking, and screaming with my new best friends.



So everyday, I do what I can to feel real.

Alive

yeah, it seems to be true that I have not written a post for a long time. haha, it's not like anyone reads this but me. maybe once i have kids or something this will become interesting. anyway, i am still live.
sometimes really alive.


and other times, hardly alive at all.

so anyways... good times!

So yesterday I was reading all of my old blogs and I miss the way I used to blog so I am going to try and revert back to that in this post.
Itinerary for this week:
Monday:
Economics
Exercise at Jog Walk
Study
French Take Home Quiz
The Bachelor

Tuesday:
Communications
Statistics
Institute
Ballroom Dance
French
Study
Maybe Clean the Sink :)

Wednesday:
Economics
Jog/Walk Class
Statistics Quiz
Study
Relax

Thursday:
.... okay this is boring


So in other news... My new apartment is working out great. Kallin and Karli both really like Gilmore Girls and it's fun watching it with them. We also watch a bunch of movies that I havent seen like Anastasia, Balto, The Best Two Years, The Devil Wears Prada, Sleeping Beauty, Remember the Titans, The Wedding Planner etc. We still have a lot more to watch too! It's been fun and relaxing. Getting cream sodas has also become a fun tradition and watching the bachelor on monday nights :) anyways.... good times!

otherside

it's snowing like there is no tomorrow. and maybe there isn't.

lately its been really good! i love my new apartment and my new life here in logan. now i just need to realize i want to come here next year... help!

it's like punching in a dream

Some of the Many

Seeing the sunset out my window and watching the city come alive when I go to sleep.
Respect.
Reading.
Feeling the Holy Ghost.
Calling my Mom and Family Every Day.
When Daddy called yesterday.
Having enough money to sustain my needs.
Getting an Education
Learning to love.
Watching the snow come, then melt, then come.
Living somewhere new.
Making Choices.
Making new friends
Missing old friends.
Doing good in school.
Going Ice Skating.
Drinking Cream Sodas
Watching Gilmore Girls.
Wearing my Fossil Watch
Dreaming.
Day Dreaming.

The Pursuit of Happiness

I always start my journals like so....

My name is Sierra Copeland. I have blue eyes, freckles, and whatever color of hair that I want. (Should I tell you some other worthless things about myself?) ;) Then I might ramble on about the rest of my day, what I did, who I love, who I want to love etc. Sometimes though, I want to write what I really see. What I really hear, what I really feel, what I really know. What I think I know. Sometimes I am sooo grateful that no one knows me here, and others times I just want to spill out everything. I never do, and I never will. I'm happy today, it's good. It feels good to be happy. I am scared that I look to hard to find happiness, when sometimes I can feel it here at my fingertips, brushing softly, discreetly enough to be misread as to far away. To far away. It feels good to grasp frozen hands on the ball of sunshine that is happiness..

who wouldn't be.

i'm depressed so here I am. i will just be way straightforward and say that I am angry right now. so angry. i don't understand and I want to be at home.
i'm angry.
i'm scared.
i'm lonely.
i'm tired.
i'm confused.
i'm frustrated.
i'm all alone.
i'm really tired.
i'm the most angry.

i know why i'm angry, but i also know that I am over reacting. but who wouldn't be after I saw what happened six months ago. WHO WOULDN'T BE!

.Capitalized.Kaya.

dear kaya,

you were who i came to so long ago when i was alone. and i haven't came back since.

i don't know why it is we resort to things of our past when it feels like there is nothing left to resort too. Actually, kaya, I have good roommates now, i wonder if my life will change around now.

it's funny kaya, how I was thinking how i didn't really miss you, and then I realized that i had nothing to miss because you my friend were replaced.

today i realize that bad things can happen to anyone, and do happen to everyone. 

and btw, falling in love doesn't suck, as long as you know at the beginning that you will get hurt.

You will get hurt.

love, sierra

The Bluebird

Last night was SO fun! My new roommates and I went to The Bluebird!!! My grandparents dated there so i have been wanting to go.
My Roommates
Karli
Kallin
Kenzie
Kaela
Kiri
and the SIERRA
It was so fun! We ordered homemade cream soda and mud pies!

The first day of school was really hard! But going to the Bluebird made things better!

New

I moved in to my new apartment today and i feel new.
things are going to be different this semester, i just know it!

Horizons

the worst feeling in the world is looking to see a bright and sunshine filled hurricane in my rear view mirror while dark and dangerous clouds fill up my front window, and I have no other choice but to drive into them.
It made me think, or realize, or wonder that maybe the most courageous thing we do is to make a decision, realize there is no going back, and face the consequence of that decision head on.
I guess realizing, or dreaming, or stumbling upon ideas is a blessing from God.
Because without a spark of curiosity in life, none of us would wake up, because the only reason we wake up every morning is the spark in our hearts that makes us open our eyes and wonder...
"what will today bring into my horizon, what will today leave in my rear view mirror"

let me tell you why

Let me tell you why, it could be that the sun shines here, it shines right to me, as if I was the only person it had to keep happy, to keep alive.
Let me tell you why, it could be that I hear myself laugh again, and my voice is raw because there are people instead of fears.
Let me tell you why, it could be that this is where I first fell in love. Not just with a boy, but with nature, with the sky. It could be because here, everything is in love, the leaves give gentle kisses to the blue sky, the sky hugs the red rock, because they know here, that tomorrow everything could be different.
Let me tell you why, it is the similarities I see with me and the city. We are one here. I feel like the city surrounds my goals, and dreams and takes them in as it's own.
Let me tell you why, it could be the talking for hours, the knowledge, how I react because she reacts. It's because I know her so well.
Let me tell you why, it might be because of my him, and his interrogation skill none, and wanted by the FBI. How even someone small can rise and mean the world to people, change lives, including mine.
Let me tell you why, It might be because I see her, teaching all day, and teaching me at night, telling me that things will indeed be alright. Even when they aren't.
Let me tell you why, it could be the memories. they will always be here because when i was a child i buried them in the backyard for safe keeping.
Let me tell you why, it's because it was here that everything was perfect and my fears melted like a popsicle in my hand and left the remnants and the sticky there for later.
Let me tell you why, it's because I know the soil is just as grateful as I am when it rains. The rain is filled with sadness for those who are not here now. For memories I never want to dig up again.
Let me tell you why, it's because here, my roommate is like me on the outside, but completely different on the inside. And your outlook on life has everything to do with that inside.
It's crying in my room
Walking down main street barefoot
Seeing the people, that matters most to me
Knowing that here, somewhere here, I can stand on top of the world and yell as loud as I can
LET ME TELL YOU WHY!

Girl With The Red Balloon

"She's in love, and she won't be again."
today I woke up and I felt alive again.
       I remember back in elementary school watching a silent film about a boy and a balloon. I love it when memories come back and relate to us now. How a memory captured in a photo can last forever. We have invented a way to hold on to people forever.  Meeting again the people you once loved, only to love them more than the last time. You really don't know how great something is until it is gone.
You'd think I would try and learn from their mistakes.
There is always something out there though that I never get to see, or touch. I want to feel but I am to scared. It's like the first time I ever wrote that short story that I later named SUCCESS. Then I thought I knew about success, i thought that I had learned. But I hadn't, and I won't.
I was with Kylah again yesterday. And what does she know of success?

I'm watching him sink.
I'm hearing the end.
This isn't fair,
I hope for change
And sometimes it comes
Fate, isn't the same for everyone
It's different.
But it's there, I believe
My heart races every time I hear
Every time.
It's like mystery,
it's like horror
Genre.
Genre.
Romance, no.
Action, no.
Comedy, no.
I trust strangers now
I trust them!
With his life
We don't talk about this
No talking
This is down
on the hush hush
We pretend
Talking,,
that would make it real
Reality.
My head turns
Cringing at the word.
Becuase,
Why do we have to do this?
No answers
Silence
No talking
Silence
Fake.
Give me anything!
I'm blessed,
No deal.

Well I'm so sad tonight, and the words won't come out right. It's been a long day on the track, and it's stamina that I lack. So won't you run to me tonight. Tonight let's not talk about next summer Cause I will only ever be a Middle Distance Runner.
Well my heart is beating hard and I'm off with a shot at the start. And my legs tremble from strain. And by the finish line I am drained. And won't you run to me tonight? Tonight let's not talk about next summer. Cause I will only ever be a Middle Distance Runner. Well I'm so proud tonight of the woman you've become. And I'm just to tired to fight. So my darling, i'll succomb. But you'll have to run to me tonight, tonight I will love you forever. But I will only ever be a middle distance runner

Really.
Tonight, I will love you forever.

harry eight times over

harry potter marathon finished.
terrible flu and cold finished.
2011             finished.

checkmate.

last day

i'm sick with the flu, but i am still bringing in the new year with something I love
HARRY POTTER marathon!
I'm excited for 2011 to be over and to start something new.
something like 2012

now, i choose which family to go against!!!!

Hope Blossoms

It is Christmas Eve! 

I'm mainly just excited to watch my little cousins open presents and see their excitement! It's funny how things change,

it's also funny how things stay the same. 

Liana is making the Christmas lasagna, something that Aunt Teresa made every year. We are still going to eat the lasagna. Even though she isn't here to make it.

Things are good, because Christmas takes away those thoughts that things might be bad.

I'm still enjoying being home, but I am excited for the future (again). I have this hope that is blossoming in my heart that things will be better when I go back. That flower gets bigger each and every day.

Gilmore Girls

You can never go wrong with a healthy debate, that or a witty line about Ringo Star and Pippi Longstocking from Lorelai or Rory, add some romance, drama, and crazy rich parents and you've got Gilmore Girls!

Miss Terious. Life is feminine.

God works in mysterious ways. And this is a tribute to that, to why I need to be forgiven for being so angry at the way things were happening. Things are going to be okay. Fear always overwhelms me, and then I always am reassured. Things have been bad for about two years, but in between that bad and the dark there was happiness. Excitement, more fear, more let downs, and lots of lessons learned.
A lot of lessons learned!
And it's all a mystery to me.
One year ago I got shoulder surgery.
Think on that!
It went fast, at least, that's a blessing!
sincerely sierra

Home(Sick)

I'm at Home. I'm sick.
So now I have a new view of homesick.
Nothing really new, just excited to be home!

Today

So, after my science final I called my Dad. I was so happy.
But now I am scared.
My Dad said that he is going to the hospital on Friday, because he thinks something might be wrong with his heart.
I am praying, and hoping, and planning on everything being okay.
Everything Will Be Okay.

Not Today

My other great-grandma is dying. Am I surprised? No. I feel like every single family member of mine is on a countdown for death. No one is living, everyone is dying. That's not a very happy way to look at things, really.  But, this is how I feel. For the last three nights I have been having panic attacks. Death is becoming so engraved in my mind I only dream about death now. It's funny how I am never thinking about the people that died, but rather for the people who have to keep living. That is what scares me the most. But i've done it! I am one of those people who saw my aunt, lying dead in that hospital bed. My granny lying dead at my grandmas... and soon, my great-grandma lying dead in her grave. My great-grandpa bickmore, my grandpa dale.... I've seen the Parker family suffer from the loss of their son. And I don't want to be them. I don't want to be me.

I became acquainted with death in third grade, as I watched my friends little brother die in my mothers arms. When I heard the news that day I laughed. I watched my parents cry for their friends and I just laughed. Ironically, that's what I did two days ago when I found out my great grandma was dying. Then when my sister was going in for ear surgery I bawled and bawled, thinking that Seth's destiny was his to share with her. She lived. Then, at a young age I wondered how Seth could die. Why him? Why choose Seth? I watched Myles cry in my dad's hands. It was my Dad, not his, because his Dad couldn't even console himself, not even his family. I remember last year going into Myles house and seeing Seth in with all of the others kids school pictures. He hasn't aged, he never will here. I remember watching Rhonda get cancer. And wondered why death chose Seth and not her. 

In october I watched my granny die. I remember knowing she was dying and sitting by her for the last time. She thanked me, she said she loved me, she ate applesauce. I remember the taste of pizza and getting the phone call from my Dad. Grandma's house was different. She answered the door and she was crying. My Dad pushes me to come with him to see her. I look at her. I can face her. And I did face her. When the men come and take her away my grandma keeps saying please don't take her. Please don't take her! I play the words "the woman who raised me is dead" the whole ride home in the car. I remember playing the piano at her funeral. Everyone celebrating her life for what it was. The air outside, was cold.

I watch my aunt die without even knowing it. She is so young! Death would never chose her! On the 4th of July we all go to the hospital because she had a heart attack. She goes into heart surgery. I remember her asking the doctor "will I just die during the surgery?" he says maybe. 

But she didn't. Death would never choose her!

She sang in the car. I remember that.

I can't remember her at christmas.

We all watch her decline, but for some reason live in naiveness. 

She tells me at her house that this is God's punishment for her. I start crying and I say "why would you say that?!" she says she had pride for keeping Kylah. I watch the two-year-old run up to her grandma and start crying with her. I hear my own voice "Kylah, she needs you now." She told me, "Exactly."

She sobbed as she walked away.

On my 18th birthday I drive to the Hospital, because I was told to. For some reason I don't say goodbye, I just stare at her. She tells me she loves me. I tell her I love her too.

Later on, My Dad calls.

Later on, I am driving to st. george, wondering how death could choose her. wondering why I didn't learn with Seth. wondering if she was with granny.

In the hospital I looked over the city of st. george and it looked empty. and people were moving on. I looked at my aunt on the bead, and never looked at her again. I drowned out the sounds of tears and felt more angry than I have ever felt. Sitting in that waiting room reminded me of the time I sat in the waiting room that was right next to this one. I remember my aunt being sick but bringing me gifts on the day of my surgery. How selfish of me! How selfless of her!

I look at Liana. How selfish of me! I don't know what to say. We were there for what felt like hours.

We cleaned her house.

We ate sandwiches.

I played the piano at her funeral. I can't really remember much about the service, only seeing people crying over her casket. The burial, her young face, liana's face. No one celebrating life, but only mourning death.

I remember graduating. I remember Liana graduating. She didn't want to without her. 

And, I've told this story before. But I remember Kylah, waking up from her sleep and seeing me crying, and reassuring me that Granny is in the clouds. I remember when she asked a question that she already knew the answer to. "Terrie isn't coming back, is she?" I remember crying, and not answering her. Because I couldn't. Cause I knew the answer too.

So now that, here again, I am facing death, I feel like an expert. So when people wonder why I am not always perfectly happy, I think, well, it's been hard.

But that's not an excuse is it? Like Liana, I just need to have a stargazer lilly and remember. 

But move on. And keep moving on. Because everyday is new and fresh, and people become memories only for awhile until they become real again.

It feels good to write this. I feel like when all of these thoughts build up, I need to write them down, so they become reality instead of the nightmares that keep occuring when I lock it all up.

Maybe someday in the future I will be able to talk about this to my friends, my family.

But that day is not today.

Falling Slowly

"i don't know you, but I want you all the more for that.
words fall through me and always fool me, and I can't react.
and games that never amount to more than they are meant will play themselves out.
Take this sinking boat and point it home, we still got time!
Raise you're hopeful voice, you have a choice! you make it loud!
falling slowly, eyes that know me, and I can't go back.
and moves that take me and they race me and i'm painted black.
well you have suffered enough, at war with yourself, it's time that you want.
take this sinking boat and point it home we still got time!
 raise you're hopeful voice, you have a choice! you made it loud!
 falling slowly, sing you're melody! i'll sing it long! to come, pay the cost! i'm gone."

sincerely sierra

Helping Hand

Today everything has been in my favor. Actually, this whole week everything has been in my favor and I know who I have to thank and it is my Heavenly Father. I have been praying for things to go well this week, and in all honesty they really have gone great! My French teacher cancelled her final! Heck YEAH! Everything went so well for that class and I pulled my grade up to at least B+ form a C-! Holy Cow! Also, I finished Creative Arts pulling a B from the final (Not as great as I wanted but I have an A in the class so, not to much can happen there). Now all I have left is to write an extra credit paper for french and do my science final on tuesday. And the kicker is.. I'M Moving OUT on TUESDAY! Anna ended up wanting to move out the same day that I wanted to move in, what luck! So now I will be home on Wednesday instead of Sunday! BOOYAH! I feel like I am walking on the clouds right now and that my Heavenly Father really does love me and has been with me since day one of this experience.

I'm so blessed.

Sincerely Sierra

sarah's key

i watched this movie today and it really changed my perspective. sarah in the movie was so brave. i ran home in the 5 degree weather as hard as I could, crying, and wishing I could be like her. It hit me the hardest when she finally gets to the closet, only to find her little brother dead.
It seems that sometimes, we get to our "closets" to only find that we didn't get the answer we wanted. I guess that is where we can learn some of the greatest lessons in life.

sincerely sierra

Dead Week

Turns out "dead week" will probably turn out to the be the busiest week I will experience in college. But, for good news my français prof. cancelled l'examen finale. Yaya. I feel really happy and really sad. I am just really excited to move out. I hate the people I live with, every single one of them. Like I said in the beginning everyone here is so self centered and self concerned none of them can stand to think of someone else. I can't live with people like this. Neither do I want to. They are all self-righteous beast.
That was my hating for the day. Imma hater.

Shut up I say SHUT UP!

I have so much homework, and I am really really excited to go home.
A place where I belong.

Today, at the Cazier Library

Today I went to the Religion in Life class and it was really good! The speaker showed a clip from The Lion Kind where the baboon tells Simba that "You're Father Lives in you , remember who you are." It was such a good talk! And now I have to study for my three finals I have in the next two weeks :) I think I will do right in two of them but I am really worried about the french final. Anyway, I hope all goes well!

A Place Where Unforgettables Reside

I know that there is moments in my life that are unforgettable.

Her eyes. Deep and black and full. Both of us seeing for the first time. Her eyes 3 years later filled with tears, reflecting my own blue in her brown. Reflecting my thoughts in her voice. "Terrie is gone, isn't she?"
Having to say yes. Watching her sleep and playing with her thin hair.

This, I will never forget. I will always hold deep by my heart.
In my heart.

psych!

when everything you know to be right ... is wrong.

How To Save A Life

The final month of my first semester of college.
Let me rate it on a scale of 1-10 1 being the lowest 10 being the highest.
4
I am all applied to BYU and right now I am really hoping that I will get in. I am going to talk to the housing department and try and move out. Hopefully things change for the better next semester.
Hopefully.

"Where did I go wrong? A loss of friends......."

The sunrise was so beautiful this morning, it made me grateful to wake up this morning. God really knows how to save a life.

sincerely sierra

This Could Be Paradise

life goes on, it gets so heavy. every tear a waterfall in the night, the stormy night she'll close her eyes; in the night the stormy night away she'd fly and dream of paradise..... and so lying underneath those stormy skies she'd say "oh, i know this sun was set to rise."

i hope i will never forget driving away, how i always am going to have to turn away at some point. i better remember those sobs, and dry heaves, about thinking how utah state literally welcomes me to hell once a month.

but as i turned up the radio to drown out my own voice, paradise came on.

and i know that just like the girl, every tear seems like a waterfall here in this stormy night. but i can close my eyes and dream of paradise.... and deep down God tells me that the sun that was set...
was only set to rise.

sincerely sierra

Deleted

i have to admit that it is one of those nights where i have watched gilmore girls for hours and still feel like crap. literally. i am sick. and i also have to admit that i have let my mind wander  to the weirdest scariest things.

tonight i am sad. jessica, one of my roommates deleted me from facebook. now i know how mature this doesn't sound and i don't really know why i am bothered so much by it. i guess it is just the final "i am totally better than you"  message from her. i really don't know why i care, it is probably for the better I really do hate her. which is pretty sad.  i am going to move out. i also am going to major in english i think :)

i'm so sick.

good night.

shelbie

You're Motoring!

You're Motoring! What's you're price for flight? In finding Mr. Right? You'll be alright tonight.
Babe, you're growing up so fast, and mama's worrying that you won't last to say let's play Sister Christian. There's so much in life don't give it up before you're time is due. It's true.
Motoring! What's you're price for flight? You've got him in you're sight! You're driving through the night...Motoring!
What's you're price for flight?

MmmHmmm... take that music to you're heart. Then laugh. Aiden singing that yesterday was so great! It's been so fun being in this house with 30 of my relatives, all of my cousins except one. Temple Square was AMAZING, and so was Thanksgiving.

sincerely sierra

i love harry potter

home sweet home

home! at last!
I am really enjoying myself. It was amazing when Hurricane took STATE FOOTBALL CHAMP! finally! in the fourth year! me and my dad sat with all of the hirschi family and the mayor hirschi! it was pretty fun! it snowed the whole game and it felt like we were in a snow globe! now i'm at home and tonight I went to the jubilee of trees with shelby and mom and it was great! i love the holiday season.
happy thanksgiving!

Coral Reef

all day i have opened this blog and just shut it back off. I have wanted to write, but nothing has came to mind to write about.
I had this idea about the coral reefs,
and about touching them
imagining what they feel like
they are rough.

life is rough,
but still just as beautiful
as the coral reefs I see.

I laugh when I see myself
In a snorkling uniform.

I look silly

the day ice flowers grew on my window

something that i have learned to like about myself is how I am so aware of my own spirit. I love how I can feel being in my body and go in my body and stay there. I feel like physical me is a different person than spiritual me. Being able to distinguish the difference has already helped me a lot here. I can be by myself. My thoughts run deeper than my mind, i can write about it and I can read and go away and be the characters. I can completely leave a place and just be thinking and have no idea what is going on here.

Although it is easy to loose track of people. Sometimes I confuse what I dream about them to really be them. Sometimes I don't know what to believe and I think that is where I actually start to believe that people are my friends. When they're not. And it's this false believing that lead me to try and forget my old friends, a dream of a new life that would be perfect and full of perfect new friends.

Sometimes I really wish I could paint still, or write songs with words and try to describe the things I see, the things I feel. The things I know.
Sometimes it's the things that I wish I knew.

Today I was grateful for this, when I was in my car, and the ice water was moving.

I knew better. It was flowers, ice flowers growing on my window. I tried to touch them with my fingers...
but like all my dreams
they disappeared to fast.

11.11.11

I just wanted to write something for this date.

i have nothing to say i have nothing to say i have nothing to say i have nothing to say

...nothing to say...
when i was in 4th grade i had a journal named Kaya. I loved her. But I always had to write ...nothing to say... over and over again in cursive because I didn't have any friends other than Kaya. I hated moving to a different school.

Sometimes I feel the same here at Utah State. And other times, I feel I am surrounded by amazing people that really are my friends.

haunting

5 years ago at this same time of year I wrote a short story on success and what it meant to me at the time. That feeling at the start of a race, the sickness and quick breaths, the eyes mine came in contact with. That feeling in the middle where I felt like a failure, like I couldn't do this anymore, like one more step would kill me. I wrote about how my feet always kept moving on the pavement, wet grass, mud, dirt and bridges. I kept writing on the feeling of seeing that finish banner so close but yet how it still seemed so far. I wrote about speed, about sweat, about tears, about not turning back. Then the race is over. I don't smile I just drink. Water tastes better when you need it and it is sweet and icy cold. Then truth. The names on the board, my name on a board and by it is what tells all. And that is it!!!! I am a winner!!!!! I didn't win the race or come even close but I did more than I thought I could. I pushed harder than the last time. I laugh and I jump in disbelief and I know that this is success, because what else could be?
What else could be?

This question haunts me today, maybe it's  because I know that I don't know the answer.

Friday Night

friends, movies, pancakes, jokes, giggles, snow, princesses, chocolate chips, pranks, running, cold, blankets, music and pj's.

One of the best nights of college. 

Routine.

You don't know when people are going to leave you forever. It's part of the routine, if you knew, everything would be different. If you knew you could save, change the course of fate forever.

There are the types of leaving you can't change, even if you knew. Even if I knew, what could I have done?

Nothing.

And I guess that's the lesson learned. I guess that's what we all need to get over. It isn't us, is it? It isn't us who brings death. It i the way it is supposed to be, I guess one might call it fate.

It seems unfair how much life I have, when others are out, done, for good here. It seems unfair that some people (like me) have such a deep understanding. That other people, have it even harder. And the worst that some people don't know me. That don't know them. that don't know themselves. 

At least I learned that lesson now, and not later. That when other people leave, I won't be surprised. 

I remember that moment in the hospital, I wondered "What if I don't open my eyes again, once they are closed." I remember my Aunt there, with me, in the hospital, a place where she now spent her days. She came anyway. She brought me a book that I will never read. About an ugly dog changing the way a family looked at the world. I will always have that book; because even the smallest things in life can make the biggest difference. So when I watched that liquid flow into my arm wondering if I could die, I didn't know how selfish I was. Because I didn't know that five months later I would be sitting on the same level two of the same hospital, on the window seat, looking over St. George, a town that didn't change even when my Aunt died. My friend. I remember my Dad's voice, cracked, said "She's gone".  How could I worry about my own death when at the time my Aunt was so close to her own. 

I remember how my Aunt loved Thanksgiving. She made me love Thanksgiving. I remember the tables being set up in her front room, with those tablecloths and football and my Dad being so happy. That was before Granny died, before my Aunt had a heart attack. Before there were heart aches to be dealt with. 

I remember being at my Aunts house before she died. She was crying. She was crying and saying "This is a punishment." "God is punishing me for keeping her."

God wasn't punishing you Aunt Teresa. I told you that. And I can say that I told you so. 

Liana loves you so Aunt Terrie. She talks about you all of the time. About that hole she can't fill in her heart. Kylah loves you too. I remember sitting in the carpet at my house holding that three year old in my arms as she finally let out her thoughts. "Terrie isn't coming back, is she Sierra?" 

I remember how my voice finally choked out. "Not for awhile Kylah."

I remember Kylahs's sobs as well.

Kylah thinks the same as me.

I think that is why I love her so much. Because sometimes I have to ask myself "Terrie isn't coming back, is she Sierra?" And I always tell myself, "Not for awhile."

I remember that the night before she died, sleeping with Kylah next to me, listening to her breathing and appreciating the life me and her share. I thought of how lucky. I remember playing with Kylah's hair.

And later. At college I read an entry from Liana about Stargazer Lilies. I feel spoiled, because I don't hardly share a fraction of her pain. Liana, I sit in the grass too, for as long as I can, to come back to reality.

I remember sitting next to my granny as she told me she loved me. I remember her, there, trying to spend time with us at the last family gathering she would be attending. I remember the taste of pizza, of sandwiches. 

Liana wanted you to be at her graduation Aunt Teresa. I remember you telling the doctors "Please wait for surgery, I have to be here two more days for my daughters graduation." That wasn't an option, and I think we all felt your spirit there that day. I remember the choir singing "For Good" and the lyrics "Because I knew you I've been changed For Good."

I sat by Gina at the funeral, listening to her cry. At the cabin? Remember? She didn't mean it. She is getting married now.  

I think about death everyday. I don't ponder on the sadness I ponder about what life would be like now, if none of it ever happened. I think about the moments I thought I myself was going to die. I wonder if you felt that feeling too. But after I wonder that I know that you were at peace. 

I know that because on Level Two of the hospital we had visited you in so many times before my Dad cried in front of me for the first time. He loved you so much. He sobbed and sobbed. And so did Liana. I don't ever want to see my family like that again. How unsettling it was. That was because we had been broke. It will be a long time until we are all back together again, at thanksgiving on the porch. But it will come.

I can't stop thinking about this lately and I guess i am writing it down so I don't forget. I start to forget things, like your laugh and I have to think harder to remember. I always think about you telling stories. About you singing and your collection of music on the wall. I listen to Elvira sometimes to try and imagine you and grandma and granny singing it at the top of your lungs. "elvira! my hearts on fire! for elvira!" I remember how you loved our dogs, and how you would stay up so late to spend time with me during those sleepovers. We played GoldFish at 3 in the morning. I remember you at my birthday parties.  I miss you.

This Thanksgiving is different. We all went separate ways this year. 

I don't think we can face gathering together on your favorite holiday.

That's why this year I think about you, about how great you are.

You don't know when people are going to leave you forever.

It's part of a routine.