"My Feelings"

Everything will be OK Perfect.
-safran foer

Raison d'Etre

So, I blog about books a lot because that is pretty much what I do. Everyday. So with finishing The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I had to go get a new book. So I bought Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. This book was just recently debuted as a film. I have seen the beginning, but not the end which is okay because I want to find the ending in the book.

I think the latest books I have read I really love because of my fascination with Autism. I find it very interesting for some reason and love learning about it. A couple of years ago I babysat a boy with Autism and got very curious about it. I read the book House Rules by Jodi Picoult about two years ago and that spiked my interest even more. I looked up her research on Autism and was amazed about all the information she learned. Just with reading Perks and starting Extremely I am really loving other authors takes on the issue and how they write first person from a character who suffers with Autism.

I love it. I love reading, because I love writing. It's my Raison d'Etre.

Here is a segment that I really love that I just read:

"What about little microphones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers which could be in the pouches of our overalls? When you skateboarded down the street at night you could hear everyone's heartbeat, and they could hear yours, sort of like a sonar. One weird thing is, I wonder if everyone's hearts would start to beat at the same time. That would be so weird, except that the place in the hospital where babies are born would sound like a crystal chandelier in a houseboat, because the babies wouldn't have had time to match up their heartbeats yet. And at the finish line at the end of the New York City Marathon it would sound like war."

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

So I just finished reading THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER  by Stephen Chbosky. I have always wanted to read the book but stayed away from it because it's "scandalous" which it was. But totally worth it! This was the first book in a long time that was, real. This book was life in a purity from the point of view of a sixteen year old boy. They made a film for this book, which I cannot decide if I will see or not but there is the trailer.

The question? Are we destined to follow in the footsteps of our parents? Are we "participants" as Charlie would say, or are we Wallflowers?  Do we only accept the love that we think we deserve?

The answer? 

I do think that we are some what destined to follow in the footsteps of our parents. We naturally look up to them and love them. We grow under their decisions and it is very natural for us to be the same as them as adults. On the other hand though I believe that we do make our own decisions, and we can choose characteristics that we like and don't like if we all have the will-power enough.

Personally, I believe that most people are "participants". People today are not only very self-concerned, but are very obsessive over the present. Charlie is an exception as a Wallflower, although I think that we all have a little Wallflower in us. What Charlie watches, he understands. Wallflowers are people that don't judge. Accepting people. I don't think there is very many people in the world that are that way.

With acceptance comes the question, what do we accept? Based on morals people accept a large range of other people that in their eyes are "different". And when it comes to love, I do believe that Sam was right when she says that we only accept the love that we think we deserve. As sad as that sounds, how does accepting love without feeling deserving of it sound? It come back to natural and sadly, in this day in age, we put what we deserve on a scale, and we are always to afraid to go above the line of deserving.

Excerpt {Twinkies}

So it's pretty amazing ... but I bought my first car! And it's not just a first car, but it's a blue slug bug! It's a 2010 Volkswagen beetle. I am very proud. Very proud.

And here is an excerpt from the book I'm reading right on cue:

    Dear friend,

I love Twinkies, and the reason I am saying that is because we are all supposed to think of reasons to live. In science class, Mr. Z. told us about an experiment where they got this rat or mouse, and they put this rat or mouse on one side of the cage. On the other side of the cage, they put a little piece of food. And this rat or mouse would walk over to the food and eat. Then, they put the rat or mouse back on it's original side, and this time, they put electricity all through the floor where the rat or mouse would have to walk to get the piece of food. They did this for a while, and the rat or mouse stopped going to get the food at a certain amount of voltage. Then, they repeated the experiment, but they replaced the food with something that gave the mouse or rat intense pleasure. I don't know what it was that gave them intense pleasure, but I am guessing it is some kind of rat or mouse nip. Anyway, what the scientist found out was that the rat or mouse would put up with a lot more voltage for the pleasure. Even more than for the food.

        I don't know the significance of this, but I find it very interesting.

                                   Love always,

                                         Charlie

Okay back to me. Sorry about how long that is but I also find it very interesting, just as Charlie did and just as Chbosky did. The question is what is the significance of this? And, if comparing to humans, which I am sure this is referring to, what is it that drives us through trials? I know, it's love, and the faith we have in our very own happily ever afters.

Blue Fields

   There is something familiar about summer. Things I have been up to lately is writing a short novel, which I am really proud of, watching plays, working, shopping, and dreaming very often. My short novel is called "Those Who Paint the Sky Green". I named it off of a famous quote by Adolf Hitler that says "Those who paint the sky green and the fields blue ought to be sterilized." I feel like that quote puts much of Hitler's flaws into the light.  I went to Tuachan on a mommy-daughter date with Shaynae and Marvene and my Mom. We went and saw Hairspray which was AMAZING!!! Of course I have worked a lot, since my job is full time but I love my job, it allows me to meet a lot of new people while still staying close to my friends and family. The money isn't bad either since I am still planning on paying for all of college by myself. I go to St. George often just to hang out and shop.
   Most importantly there are dreams and music and writing. Which are definitely the best parts of summer.   My friends and I plan road trips and dream of our futures. I am reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which is a scandalous book but has some amazing points. A lot of time, when I am here and comfortable I do feel "infinite". I think that all of us do. It's something about the sun and words. When they mix everything seems beautiful.
   There is a bird on my cotton tree right now that is the most beautiful I have ever seen on that cotton tree. That's the magic of it, right there, every second of every day.
    And something else? My hair has been up in a bun of a sort that I made up. I missed having my hair up.. It makes me stop hiding and accepting myself for who I am. I will wear it up a lot more often I think now. At least until it grows out.
     My Dad just sang a song that says "OOOOO how I wish I could be sierra copeland!" and I said "It's actually pretty average." and my Dad said "I think you have a good life." and I said because it came so naturally "I do have a good life" and that makes us both smile.

Ideas

It has been a long time since I have written anything, that purely came from me.
I have ideas.

pretty things

Feel my hair blowing in the wind 
See the sky and the summer rain 
Pick a flower from the garden for you 
Beyond the lane there's another world 
Butterflies floating in the air 
But is there someone out there for me? 

And so life goes on, day after day 
With knick-knacks on the floor, nooks and crannies 
I live in a tiny world 
But out there, someone waits for me. 
I wish I had someone to watch over me 
In my dreams O I wish I could..

Bunheads

I am excited for tonight, to watch Bunheads!! Amy Palladino has been writing again and I am so excited to see her work!

Something Worthwhile

City Creek

My fortune was : "Your credits are slowly adding up"

Just some recent pics of me

I wanted to sit and write about something worthwhile. I think I am past the point of no return. I am so tired from this long crazy week!

where creation happens

"Forever feels.... untouched. Open, all the way to the horizon. But it's not empty like the bank. Not at all. Forever is stuffed full of... possibility. Potential. A blank canvas waiting for me to paint something, or draw something. To make. To change. Forever is where creation happens."

"I dream of standing still. I am tired of feeling like I'm flying when I know I'm really falling. I want to rest. I want to find silence again. People think edges are bad, but they are really there to keep us from falling to pieces. They don't hold us back, they hold us in. They hold us together."

"Darkness is a harsh term, don't you think?"

Wish

"He would always wish for the sun to shine tomorrow so that the flowers would bloom and make Mother happy." "He was always more concerned about other people more than himself."
"What kind of things did you wish for?"
"Oh, I never made a wish myself."
"Why not?"
"I don't know. Maybe it was because I didn't want to look at my life and see what was missing. Once you identify what you lack, then it's all you see anymore. Wanting something I couldn't have would only lead to unhappiness, so I tried to be content with what I had."
"That's terrible. It misses the whole point of wishing. It's not to focus on what you don't have; it's to show you what could be. Once you know what you want, then you know what to reach for, what to dream about. It's how you change things." -Lisa Mangum

Never Know

You never know what's coming. Not in the future years, the future weeks and days, the next ten seconds. Every blink of your eye is worth so much, and the next time you blink is worth even more. Every time we blink, every time we take a breath, or open our eyes in the morning is one more year, one more day, one more second we get to enjoy. Something that we wouldn't trade for anything. So why is it taken for granted?
Why would we? We all believe that "that" will happen to someone else. Even though it is inevitable, we try not to think about it. We think about today, we think about tomorrow. Every now and then we will think far ahead. We dream.
But we never know, really. We never know.

"Is there any memories you would like to erase?"

"It's always easier to go through trials, when you know your everything is waiting at the end."

Unraveled

Sometimes I feel like I spend ever day searching for a theme. I like to find themes in my day-to-day life. It helps me see the bigger picture, and it helps me think deeper. I hear it in music, read it in books, see it in theatre, smell it in the air, feel it at the edge of my fingertips.

And the theme recently is what we are. What i'm made of. I was at work enjoying my book and it was silly, but it was talking about Unraveling. Making me wonder how memories are made, and if I was unraveled, what pieces of string would be left for people to put together. In the Avengers (lol) a comment was made that reminded me of this unraveling. "Do you know what it is like to be unmade?"
Un-made
Unraveled.

Un.

We all really do have souls, pieces of memories all tied together that create who we are. What we are made of. Raw emotion tied into feelings and thoughts.. hopes and dreams. God gives a string, and we begin to create intricate knots. We create our lives. In the hunger games Finnick ties and unties knots. It helps keep him focused. In more of a deeper sense I feel he is trying to untie memories, and retie them just how he wants. He focuses on the present, on what he can do to change the future. The only thing in our grasps.

Sometimes we all feel unraveled. We question our existence. We question our desires. We question who we are, who we are supposed to be. If we focus on tying the knots, focus on what we can do now, not what we could've done. We will all tie ourselves back together.

working

This week, work. I work 70 hours this week, and every minute... counts. I got an ipod touch which I love! I have been playing around with that a lot.

1.2.3.4.5.6...
And I have been working
8.9.10.11
And working
14.15.16.17.18.19

And every second counts here in this summer. Today it was cold cold in Hurricane. Especially for the summer. I have been reading and playing with owen and katniss and stuie. I have been working.
28.29.30

People at work. People at home. People at work. People in hurricane.

People
People
People
Kittens.

<3 xx

underneath

Today. May 22nd.

Today, I went underneath the highschool. I have wanted to go through the tunnels ever since I knew about them. And now they are getting torn down. Me, Shaynae, McKinlye, Coach Kidd, Inca, Robien, and Cat and Larry all went under today. We brought markers and signed our names everywhere. We crawled there in those tunnels for at least an hour. Going through secret passageways, holding on to water pipes. My knees are bruised. It was weird going underneath, underneath something that I walked on every day for four years. Sometimes we just have to dig a bit farther, to find the adventures that could lie underneath.

Underneath today lies a real tragedy, something I wish I would never have to dig up again. But it's due time, to find out what's underneath this facade that we all call life.

Today, Hurricane sits under a valley of smoke, is rimmed with red fire.
And the ashes are all too familiar.

life

"I closed the window and watched the rain drops as they traveled down the glass, each one making tiny individual tracks. Some drops ran in a straight line; others meandered in wandering trails before being swallowed up int eh wake of another drop. The rain fell and the water continued to branch out into countless rivers, endlessly moving, endlessly flowing. I closed my eyes and thought about promises and possibilities."

Eclipse

Yesterday really was my birthday. I am nineteen! I had a birthday party on saturday, and hung out with Shaynae, Jennifer, and Tayler. It was... super :) I had a sleep over at Shaynae's aunts house in Toquerville :) Way fun! We (tried to) watch Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. But we were falling asleep so we ran upstairs. We worked on the little farm and I touched a horse! We went to Dairy Queen and me and Shaynae bought our own cake and candles. Lol.  On Sunday I went home and ate a good breakfast, ate watermelon too! I got a Fossil dress that is absolutely beautiful and designed by my favorite fashion designers.  I got sandals and some money to spend on whatever I want. Shelby got me a backpack that I love. I went to singles ward. I know, what were we thinking. Shaynae and I were pretty much scared the entire time. Then I went to St. George. Gina, Bo, Kylah, Uncle Brent, Grandma, and my family all had a barbeque and watched my birthday eclipse. The eclipse was beautiful. Can't really say anything else about that... After we went to the hospital and visited the Eckleys. When Jill would start crying I would start crying. She misses Pierce and Scarlette. Chad told me that since it was my birthday my sister had to give me a massage and then clean my room. I full-heartedly agreed with him.. I never got my room cleaned.. but I did get a massage from my mom. And Katniss and Owen gave me a ton of kisses!

KATNISS

Katniss has become extra ...annoying. She is still needing to be bottle fed. But now she has turned into an meowing monkey. She uses her new found claws to crawl everywhere.. out of her bed, onto the couches, in my hair. Everynow and then she gets tired and loves to curl up right under your neck :)

And owen was mad that he wasn't on the blog. Katniss and Owen love to fight with eachother.

The other day I drove to Santa Clara and sat by my Aunts grave for awhile. I haven't been there for almost a full year. A full year tomorrow :( I have been thinking about her alot. She truly was amazing, and she would have loved Katniss, and my birthday, and the eclipse. I know that she watched the eclipse with us from her own special spot in heaven.

Riding

"Eventually, I started walking. And I counted. I counted every step until I had left everything behind. The door, the music, the past. I didn't know what else to do. One hundred eighty-five thousand, four hundred and twenty steps."
"You remember the exact number?"
"How could I forget? Every step forward was another day I walked into the future."
"More than five hundred years?"

"It goes by faster than you think."


I know that I haven't blogged for awhile. I haven't thought about anything worthwhile to blog. But today, I remembered.

I was riding on the back of the police boat with my eyes shut. The hot wind taking my breath away with every strong gust. I can't open my eyes, but I don't mind, because I can imagine everything. Everything about this world I love. I love it here. The stinging of the sun rays on my arms. How that St. George sun I know so well reaches out it's tendril arm and embraces me in a hug of heat and happiness. The feeling of water spray on my hot face. I imagine the neon red of the mountains, kissing the pastel blue of the clear sky. I think of my friends and their wind swept hair. My hair now tickles my face and flies behind my head in a crazy tangle. I imagine driving at sunrise, how the hard lines of the mountains manage to blur together in colors of green, orange, red, and blue. God's work of art he painted with a paint brush, just for me. I imagine the familiar smiles, the conversations of shared memories, lying in the hot grass.

And when I imagine home, all of this floods into my mind in an inevitable flash flood. How could I forget each step I take, it's another step towards my future.

And me and Dennis talk about other cities we have lived in, other cities we have lived.
"Dennis, of all the places you have been, you have lived, which is your favorite?"
Dennis contemplates this for an eternity.
"Sierra, I don't know how you feel, but Southern Utah? It scoops you up and you know, you know! that you will never again be able to call anywhere else home."
"Yeah, I know."

I was lying in bed thinking the other night, about my past feelings and my choices I created from those feelings. I realized what it is that I am. Who it is that I am. I moved to Logan with a "Live without Limits" kind of mindset. Just like in this book. I wanted no one to know me, to prejudge me. I wanted my history to be erased. Once I was there, living, without any limits. I realized that memories are all that I am. All that I was made up of. And there was no one there that knew, no one there that wanted to know. I like limits. I like having people already know who I am. I like who I am down here. Down here, I am real, I am myself, I am Sierra.

So in between these red mountains and underneath the red hot sun, I will create my story.
Live my Life.

Last Day and Number Seven

It is the last day of April!!! AHHHH! Which means my horror of finals weeks must begin in less than twenty four hours!! I am most afraid for my french final... Sigh. I don't know if I will be able to pass that!
Anyways for Number Seven

I think my favorite item(s) would be my instruments. I love them to death. These along with my scriptures are probably amongst the top of my most treasured items list.

Number 6

Rory Gilmore
A person I would like to switch places with for a day!

Number Five

My favorite memory?
Much to hard to decide. :)

Number Four

I can't really post a picture of my FAVORITE night... but all the nights I spent with my family in New York were pretty good. :) This is a picture from the Hill Cumorah pageant!

intelligent design has nothing to do with it

Number Three

GILMORE GIRLS!

Today I am supposed to write about my favorite tv show.. which would be Gilmore Girls!! Ironically, I am watching Gilmore Girls as I write. When I was sixteen I saw an episode of Gilmore Girls on ABC Family. They were off the air and only showing reruns. I was interested, but became even more interested when a friend (Calee) said that her and her mom loved Gilmore Girls! I knew I had to see this. I bought the first season at Barnes and Noble and fell in love! My family and I watched one or two episodes every night, and for my sixteenth birthday I got the second and third seasons. I was IN LOVE! Since then I have watched all seven seasons over five times. I love them and they never get old. I would definitely recommend them to every girl and her mother in the whole world. They are pretty clean, funny, and have enough drama that isn't overwhelming. Also, I have learned all the wit that I might have from Gilmore Girls. Anyways, great show. Thank you Paladinos! 

From Finner

So I am back.. I feel like Charlie McDonnel in the fact that I am just blogging a TON! But it feels good. He just posted a video where he talks about quality over quantity. Right now: Quantity.

Today I did Baptisms for the Dead at the Logan Utah Temple. It was beautiful and a great experience! When I move to Cedar I think I will regret not going to the temple more when I was so close to it. :(
Lesson learned I guess.  I don't have a ton to write about... but I will write! I do not want to break the chain. Today I presented my french presentation Ma Famille. I feel like I did pretty good.. a five-six minute presentation in french is no easy feat.

Classes are winding down here in Logan. This dead week seemed so ironic because my teachers were all giving us a ton of homework, but now, by thursday, I realized that is has the name "Dead Week" for the feeling of the students. We are all just done, dead of school. I am SO ready for St. George. I am pretty darn sad about leaving Logan. I question my decision a lot, but feel good about it more than I doubt it. I think that I will go buy an actual nice journal tomorrow. I don't know .. I am split about what to put in it..
So I guess we will find out.

I hope that next semester I will be able to focus more on school. This semester seemed so hit and run the whole time. In fact, none of my teachers have posted my grades! I don't know how good/bad i'm doing. For most of my classes I feel like it is probably leaning towards the good side. But I also have classes where I know they are on the bad side...

Anyway, I had a good day... Looking forward for the end of next week!!

PS Andrea is an Aunt to Allison Judith Barney!!!!! GO JOSH AND RACHEL!

Number Two

The person that I have been closest to the longest...
I would have to say good ole Andrea Barney.

We have been friends since I can remember, and I feel that she has always been there for me. We kind of went through our childhood with each other by our sides. I love her a ton! I am excited to be living in cedar where I will get to see her more often!

My 69 Awkward Moments

I was inspired by a book with this title. Which seems so silly, but I feel like I could go somewhere with that as well. I feel like the internet has taken on this "meme movement" which in and of itself is awkward, but the point is that many of these memes begin with "That awkward moment when.." And then goes on to say something either very awkward or something very stupid. Yes, it is usually a gamble. I feel like if I would write my life story it might start out with.. "That awkward moment when Sierra was born." Which is kinda okay with me.

Number One!

1. I love my moms homemade mac and cheese..
2. I watch Gilmore Girls almost everyday
3. I don't like strangers standing very close to me
4. I love to learn, but hate doing homework
5. I am indecisive
6. I miss my family more than anyone and anything
7. I like to complain, but regret it when I do
8. I love to write, play music, and talk
9. I am not good at meeting new people because I am very shy.
10. I am proud to belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

30 DAY CHALLENGE

1. A picture of yourself with 10 facts
2. A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
3. A picture of the cast from your favorite show
4. A picture of your favorite night
5. A picture of your favorite memory
6. A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
7. A picture of your most treasured item
8. A picture that makes you laugh
9. A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
10. A picture of the person you do the most ****** up things with
11. A picture of something you hate
12. A picture of something you love
13. A picture of your favorite band or artist
14. A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
15. A picture of something you want to do before you die
16. A picture of someone who inspires you
17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
18. A picture of your biggest insecurity
19. A picture and a letter
20. A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
21. A picture of something you wish you could forget
22. A picture of something you wish you were better at
23. A picture of your favorite book
24. A picture of something you wish you could change
25. A picture of your favorite day
26. A picture of something that means a lot to you
27. A picture of yourself and a family member
28. A picture of something you're afraid of
29. A picture that can always make you smile
30. A picture of someone you miss

I saw a friend #AGIRLANDHERGUITAR do this and she kind of quit. I thought I would see how far I could get! I am going to start today!

Dandelion Seeds

Hello there Charlie!
Well a couple of days ago I wanted to do a "Chain" like Charlie McDonnel and Jerry Seinfeld. And I started two chains. One was to write for thirty minutes each day... and the other to read one chapter of my scriptures and say two prayers each day. Both are failing miserably. What is wrong with me?!

THE LOOK OF THE FAILURE

Anyway.. This is me writing for my chain. I am enjoying my last two weeks here in logan... I am pretty sad whenever I think about leaving. There are so many things that I hope that I will never forget here. Well, I will save this stuff for later :)

One thing Logan definitely has over Hurricane is Spring.

Hurricane doesn't have a spring... it has a winter and summer, but spring last for like 3 hours. Literally.

Here though, I can smell spring! Just walking down the street the air is thick with the scent of blossoms and fresh grass. The sun is warm, but not overwhelming. Every one is starting to come out of there cocoons like a new butterfly. It is really pretty, watching not only the earth wake up, but people wake up too. Now since I am pretty talented at being pessimistic I will tell you what also happens that almost ALMOST takes away the joys of spring. It is an evil plan developed by professors of all that they named FINALS. While all of us should be waking up and smiling we end up being inside on our laptops writing papers, reading textbooks, preparing final presentations. 

Now since I can also be optimistic I will say this. It is a very good thing that the end of the ear is not in the dead of February. We need the earth to be happy to push us all through this stressful time in our lives. Well, hopefully with this spring in summer I will blossom into a beautiful flower just like the rest of the little dandelion seeds. Hopefully all will go well with this so called "Dead Week" where everything is coming to life and just like it's title everything seems so ironic.

A huge bee flew into my room today.. we didn't kill it because bee's are apparently going extinct. I am pretty mad at that little bee though.. I really enjoyed having my window up all the time. It made my air just a little easier to breathe and I loved the smell of life.

Flawed

I'm too sensitive. I was thinking about how I go about changing that, but I don't know if I really can. I can hide it, like everything else, but I don't think that I want to. I have been that way since I was kid. I remember crying as I saw a boy trip and fall, or that whenever my sister got sick I would cry and cry. Growing up that sensitivity to what others feel and think has evolved. To what other people think is a flaw. Which it can be. But how am I supposed to get rid of something like that. Something that has defined me for years and years. 

I can't.

Rory Gilmore Sex Boat

In the sixth season Peris Geller makes a reference to the blog-o-sphere about how the community of Yale found out about her and Logan stealing a yacht for a joy ride and blogged about it. I wanted to be blog about it.
So, Rory Gilmore Sex Boat. There is the story :)

Dream

Alone again, under the blankets, rap music blasting until it hurts. This how I fell asleep and this is what I dreamed about in the 32 minutes that I was asleep. I was driving in Ogden with a girl that I met in college but don't really know that well. We didn't talk much, until we had to stop on the side of a freeway entrance. She went and bought a car so she didn't have to be with anymore. I didn't care though, I congratulated her. The reason we were stopped was because a family I know from Hurricane car had broken down. I was making light conversation with them until I saw my Dad. He came up and grabbed my hand and took me down by some modern train tracks. We didn't have time to talk because a loud rumble came up and the UTA front runner came around the corner and stopped with a loud screech, the door right by my face. The rumble under my feet took a sudden stop and I took a couple steps back to look at the size of this thing. The train was completely white and had light blue tinted windows. In those windows I could see everything and everyone I loved. My eyes quickly glanced across the whole left side of the train. When my eyes reached the end of the trains they just had time to catch my Dad climbing through the open door. "Wait!" I cried. "Please wait for me!" But the door shut quicker than I could blink. The motor started up with a loud growl and out of fear I started running for the front of the train, so I could tell the Conductor to please open the door and let one more person in, to try and explain how everyone and everything I loved was in that train. But the train didn't have a front, it just kept going on and on, the white with the blue windows, faces haunting me with tears in their eyes, putting their hands against the windows, yelling words of inspiration, telling me to keep on running. So I ran and I ran and I ran. I yelled words back at them, no I screamed them. Begging them to help me. The music of the rapper mapped out my every step. I ran until I fell over. I ran until I gave up. The train took off, and it quickly gained momentum, and before I could scream "Dad!" one more time it was gone. I laid down on that soot covered ground and cried and cried. I felt really claustrophobic and tried to open my eyes. I could see the blue and green of my bedspread but I couldn't keep my eyes open. Days went by. Until one day when I could open my eyes. Take out my headphones. Pull the covers off of my head.
And realize that everything was just a dream.      

Decision

It's a word that haunts. It seems that in this life we are constantly in a process named Decision. Every day we decide simple things. Like when we will smile, or when we will speak. Every day we decide huge things, like what kind of person we will be, where we will go, and who we will see. Really, it's decision that writes our life story. That's why, when we meet decision face-to-face, we are afraid and intimidated. We would rather never see decision, we would rather that decision be simple, and always have our back turned  to it. But that is not how life works. Every now and then something makes us look over our shoulder, and it makes us look Decision right in the eye. We stare and stare, until we are forced to speak. To make that Decision worth something. That force, it will always be driving us whether we want it to or not.
And now, that force is forcing me to speak.
The problem is, is that I never know the right thing to say.

As A Child

Oh to be young :)  I think that is the deepest and greatest of all my wishes. That I could reverse the clock, never age, and be a child for the rest of my life. That's why I have always loved Peter Pan!!! I would definitely live in Never Land if I had the choice! 

Youth is something tangible, once it is over. When you think about it you can almost taste the memories and feel the sweet innocence we all once had. Everyone is beautiful, no one is flawed. Every one is your best friend and nothing anyone can do or say will change who you really are. You believe anything that is told to you, you sleep a lot. You love to play outside and every small insect is a whole adventure to be taken. Your imagination is free and unrestricted by the cares of the world. Being young is so close to being perfect. And now I am so far. I am excited for the day that I will be able to return to that perfection through the love of Christ and become "as a child" through him. 

Every Tear Is A Waterfall.

Life is ironic.  I read a quote that said that whatever it is that you can't stop thinking about, wishing about, and hoping about is what is truly in your heart. No matter how high I turn the music up, I can't stop thinking of home.

"I want to have friends that I can trust. That love me for the person i've become, not for who I was. I want to have friends that let me be all alone when being alone is all that I need. I want to fit in to the perfect space. Feel natural and safe and of all the tiled place. "

Home.

Like i've said, the hardest thing is seeing the thing you love most in your rearview mirror. That feeling you get after laying in the grass for too long.  I hate it, but love it. That's how I feel about living here. So when I'm laying there under that summer sun, how do I decide to leave the grass? Even though my skin is itching I might decide to stay, or that itch might become to painful, and I will have to leave.

I hate people that go out their way to make you feel stupid.
I love people that go out of their way to make you feel smart.

They talk so loud, I can still hear them over my music which is as loud as it can go. And it hurts my ears. And no one cares. Except my home.
25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 days 25 more days.

I cried today. I cried a lot. Out of anger, hurt, frustration, happiness, confusion, ...leaving.

If I could write how I felt into music, it would be a lot easier. But for now..... This will have to do.

Happy Easter

chapter one: sister solitude (tries to) makes a decision.

It's true. I'm a negative person. I'm openly admitting it. But did everyone ever wonder why people become negative. I wasn't born this way....It's called having a bad time. A lot of people I know have never had one of these, but for me..It's a natural occurrence that comes along to strengthen my testimony I guess. But I know that this time of being alone has really helped.. something... :) I guess I will figure that out later. I have more important things to figure out now... Like where I need to be, where will I fit in, where do I belong?
A huge part of me says "NOT HERE!"
but another part of me says... "what makes you think you will belong in cedar?"
And then I think "maybe I don't belong anywhere."

The latter seems to suffice for now.

I was playing my violin today, well trying, I was mostly trying to fix my violin today. I felt like maybe this is how I am .. I just need someone to string me back together, someone who is willing to take the time and be my friend. So that I will be able to be myself again. It's hard work though, being somebody's friend. Just like it was hard getting that string to fit right in the hole of the wooden peg; it too took time, but it was worth once I felt that exhilaration again, that power I feel when bow meets string, and the production is ALL mine.  I'm looking for that feeling in my life, that feeling of being alive and being in control. Now I just need to find the musician that can put me back together.
That's one good thing about my testimony; is I can speak to Heavenly Father through music, and he can speak back to me. It's amazing, because when words fail, music is there. And most of the time words fail.
A lot of things made me sad today. Hurtful words from a roommate, lyrics of my favorite song, the rejection of an invitation, walking out of a room full of strangers that cannot say goodbye, watching everyone come in after a fun time while I sat alone in the cemetery, the grave of a dead child....

But it's amazing, because so many things made me happy. The way the boy complimented my hair, sitting and listening to the piano, how I feel when President Monson speaks, listening to music, breathing in the smell of spring, laughing with Lisa and Alexa, going to a room full of girls, dancing with Larry, eating pink star-bursts, putting my head back when I laugh.

It's also amazing, how the greatest things also happen when I'm alone. Maybe that's me. Sister Solitude :)
At least every couple of moments I actually enjoy it.

luck

When the music isn't loud enough: my mind is. Notes that start here. At middle "C" And then I hear a minor key that grows.. it grows so big. Into notes that spell things I can't understand. My eyes close tight. And when I open them I am standing there again. With my arms open wide and my head bent back and my eyes to the sky.  In them reflected that blue and black and gray that I saw. My smile is big. Bigger than it has ever been. And I am spinning, spinning slowly and trying not to blink. And now my song is major: chord after chord and it's my voice saying the name of my piano, no! i am singing the name over and over again with the flow of the music. And then the smile fades from my face, and I am no longer looking into the sky but into the blue of my best friends eyes, and how they are frowning with her lips. Blink again and now I am looking into blackness. And there I see something that I know I will never have but will always want. And the music now, it is fading, so quiet it is almost to oblivion. And there I am again, sitting on the curb, looking into the blackness of the road. Alone. And here comes a violin solo that rings and I am conducting the blonde soloist  and I whisper the words "Can you play quieter" and he says "No, because that would be a shame." and looks up toward the sky. I start to cry because the music is getting so loud and I can no longer keep up with it. My tears create little rain drops on the deep red color of the wood floor. And in them I see  myself. I bend down trying to scoop them up, but they just break into smaller and smaller pieces. I lie down on my back. And close my eyes as tight as I can. And I see myself sitting at my favorite place, right in front of the piano. But there! Behind me is a group of people I don't know. They are crying. I stare at every single one of those people. Remembering each moment I shared with these strangers and then I understand. They are waiting. Waiting for me to play music to say good bye to a loved one. A Tribute. I turn back to face the black and white ivories and lay my fingers on their cool and smooth surfaces. And I continue my song with my own music. When I finish with a quiet "F" the crowd is barely breathing. And I am not breathing either. I can only sit there and look at that baby grand through the mist and fog in my eyes. But when I turn around. I am beaming! I open my mouth and laugh with that crowd, but they are gone. And I am at Andrea's house. Turning around in her empty family room, laughing at myself. Andrea comes around the corner though, and asks me if I would like to hear her play. And she plays. And she wrote it. And I am smiling more than ever because I realize it's the same song that I had been trying to write for years. And we share that. And I know that is why our friendship never will change. She walks to the window and opens the blinds and the sun is so bright, so I close my eyes tight and I am laying in the grass in a big empty field. I turn to the boy lying beside me. He is talking to me, but I am not listening. I watch as his fingers trace out different patterns in the clouds. And he starts singing a song about the sun and the moon. And working harder than I have ever worked. I start to cry because I don't remember the title, and he tries to tell me but I can't hear him. I am far away from him and from this perfect meadow we lie in. I am riding a rocking horse. And I hear the voice of D.H. Lawrence say the word "Luck" "Luck" "Luck" "Luck". And I start to repeat after him until I no longer have a voice to say it.  And it is raining hard. And I see him smile and I smile back at him. We are running, no sprinting through that warm rain. I catch up to him and he turns to pull me into his arms. And we are kissing and hugging and whispering words to each other. And there are other people but we don't care. Invincibility is rare, and I drink it in with that warm summer rain. Since this is so rare, it does not last long, and I find my windshield wipers have stopped working. And I am alone in my car. My breathing slowly fogs the inside of the window and I see the words that he wrote so long ago: I and love and you.  I angrily smear the moisture on the window across the words that meant nothing. And I close my eyes tight. And then I am standing there. So young, in the reflection of that boys glasses. My hair is in knots and is long and blond. I smile at that boy, but he frowns as he sees me look over my shoulder. "Why are you always doing that Sierra?" the boy asks. When I turn around I can no longer look into the eyes of a boy that judges no one. I only lay down on the grass and close my eyes as tight as I can. And I am falling through the grass.
And that feeling.
It wakes me up.

and stay so beautiful

It is that initiall bomb that changes everything.

A brake light in the snow,
A breeze in from the window.
And then BOOM.
A bomb you can't take back.

And now you are driving,
Far, far away.
Looking into the eyes of unfamiliar people
Pleading with them to just
Let go.

Let Go.

And now it is bright
Brighter than the sun
And all you are thinking is
How does that flower Bloom?

And stay so beautiful
When I bloom and grow to be something
Entirely different from Where I started.
How does that flower bloom?

And stay so beautiful?

"in honor of tomorrow"

Everyday we live "in honor of tomorrow".
That's why we cry when someone we loves runs out of them. That's why I cry.

Everyday we live "in honor of tomorrow".
That's why we smile every night once the lights go off and our eyelids shut,  we smile for the hope that tomorrow never fails to bring. That's why I smile.

It's when I saw that fire burn away all of my memories. The ashes rising to the sky, burning my eyes, filling the air with death, filling my lungs. But meanwhile, as I stared into that blue sky filled with gray  and pieces of pictures, words, meaningless now, I couldn't help but smile. Because like those memories, I too am floating on the hope that tomorrow always brings a new day, a new idea, a new friend, and something to live for.

Today I lived for that late night walk with friends. How the air was cold against my face, waking me up from the inside out, bringing tears to my eyes. Stinging. Seeing the lights of the city, seeing the lights of the brilliant city that He built in the sky. It's these small moments that I remember that I am braver than I think, and that no matter what the circumstances I will learn to fly "in honor of tomorrow."

{Sincerely Sierra}

The Hunger Games

Well, One of the most anticipated events since graduating High School... Me and Jenna have been anticipating this even for years!!!! I wasn't able to see the movie with Jenna but my roommates were definitely a perfect alternative. The movie was fantastic!
I don't have a ton to say about it other than how much of a marker of time it is for me. It has been so many years of waiting and wondering, of sitting in the office with calee trying to guess what actor/actress was going to play which character. It seems so silly now, after those years of waiting. But this is definitely something that will mark my teenage years forever...

and may the odds be ever in your favor!!

Piece

It's hardest, right now, because no more tears will come out. I want to say something, yell it scream it. I hate feeling so contained. I want to go home more than anything else, with people who actually know me and care about me. Maybe I should just accept that I have no friends here. Right before I moved I accepted it, i accepted being alone. Just to be hurt again. It's obviously me, just like Erika said. I know that they whisper about me. After I'm gone.  It's hard to be alone, and to hear laughter right outside. Without me.
I like to be home, if i close my eyes I am so close.. i can almost believe that I am there. Where the sun shines, and my smile comes alive again. It's harder than anything to be here. That mountain in the distance, it looks familiar...

I'm sick of people looking at me like that.
Like i'm nothing but a piece of sh*t in their eyes.

Team Finnick/ Team Peeta

Blogging from Alexa's apartment...

Check


Check.

Oh yes. I changed from team peeta to team finnick. lets see how that works :)

HUNGER GAMES COMING OUT TOMORROW NIGHT!

do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

Skinny Love

I always manage to come back to writing, don't I?
I can't get away from it.

I am so sick. I found this bottle on my desk after school today, a bottle filled with my weaknesses. I can't look at it anymore, so i locked it in a box. I feel betrayed, and I don't know who to trust. I think I can see that there is nothing special about me, a girl that cant stand to open up to anyone. It makes me hate that they know me.... or think they do. I am angry because I don't know who I am to tell anyone, to show anyone, everything I am is a charade, not because I want it to be.
I am so sick of being underestimated, sick of people who are even more naive than I am. People who judge, and who make up their minds on a first glance. I'm sick of being used. I don't even make a dent.

Not one dent.

And I know that I'm not beautiful. And I know I am not who everyone thinks I am, or wants me to be. The truth is , I am empty.  When I look through my eyes, every single person is so beautiful. Then everyone goes and taints that. What is wrong with you?!  I have been without friends. And I know how to be my own. Even I wrote in my 4th grade journal about a friend named Sam, who did not have any eyes. No eyes to look into when I needed reassurance. Just a black shadow, that never did anything for herself.

Please, i'm begging everyone.

Open Your Eyes. Not Everyone Has Them.

Blank Screen

Sometimes it's nice to look at a blank screen, and a keyboard in front of you with all the letters you need to make a word, all the words you need to make a sentence, and all the sentences you need to tell your story, letting your life flow through your fingers, and being able to see it from an outside perspective. I think that is what I love about writing. I love how we have the ability to create something that can last forever.  Like how I feel like I have known Beethoven my whole life when I play Moonlight Sonata on the piano. Or how I can understand what D.H. Lawrence felt when he wrote The Rocking Horse Winner.

I love how when I run out of words, there is always someone there to put some more in for me.

Someday, maybe someone will know me, from something I left behind, and I will fill in the gaps. So that this is worth it.

I love how I can be anywhere I could imagine at anytime I want! It creates a safe haven. I want to be that safe haven. Whether people find that place in my words or my eyes, in my smile. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I will leave behind I feel that I am missing what people leave for me.

It's that feeling when you knew you did something wrong, how it is the exact opposite of the feeling when you knew you did something right. Or when you are laying in the dark at night, and a tear is on your pillow and you don't know how it got there.

It's when you can't stop smiling when someone says hello, and you secretly turn back and wish they weren't walking away. Or that happiness that swells up inside and comes out in a scream, or through water in your eyes. How emotion is in charge, and how it controls our actions. It's the feeling when you look at your hands and realize you cannot fathom all of the amazing things we can do.

It's realizing how grateful you are for that breath you just took.


Or when you are finally finished with something.


And finally starting something new.

I love this!

Yesterday me and my roommates Kallin and Karli were talking about how sometimes we only write about the sad things in our lives. Well, I have a good one today. I got a 96 on my statistics test!
And my Dad is doing well..
And I can see God's hand in everything!

I love this!

Je Connais

je connais. i know.  I KNOW.


I know. Today I knew and tomorrow, I will remember.

I WILL remember.

Je Connais

I have started to learn to appreciate people since the big move. I have learned that other people is what make up who I  am.

Je Connais

“If I could choose anyway to tell my story it would be through the voice of an aquaintance I once had. In the telling of it all her voice might strain, but it will mainly be sweet, like thick honey, and she could be a jazz singer.” I look down from my daydream because I know I have said too much. I look into the gray eyes of the boy in front of me.

“What’s your name again?” I ask for the fourth time after a long silence.

“It’s Preston.” He lets out a long sigh before he speaks again. “I think the best way to record a story is through extensive, and effective journal writing.”  Now it’s my turn to sigh. I start flipping through the textbook to find something to talk about. I hate working in groups. There is a third party to this group and his name is Thomas. I know I would like Thomas, because he just sits there, through the whole discussion like he doesn’t give a shit about life. I like that, even though it means I have to sit here and work with Preston alone.

“So fine, let’s write this paper about journal writing then.” I quietly say. Pretending to dive into my text book I check and see if I have a text message. It’s 9:37 a.m. and no text mesage. I look back up to Preston and see he is starting the first paragraph to our essay. The professor had us grade our peers and I gave both Preston and Thomas top scores. Preston put down his peer evaluation and I saw that he had given me a straight “C” while Thomas got an “A”. Putting all of my papers and books back into my backpack I just stand up and leave those two boys. Maybe next week I will be able to help, and I find myself thinking that Preston is sexist.

I lived in the same place for eighteen years. Before I moved one year ago, I never appreciated how much that town was a part of me. It wasn’t until I left, did I realize exactly what I was leaving.

My name is Sierra Copeland. The most significant thing about me is that I can think, and I can think to anyone or anything. Everyday I walk through the largest cemetary I have ever seen to get back to my apartment from campus. When I’m in there ninety-nine percent of the time I am thinking, and the other one percent is spent practicing my french. I have been in that cemetary at night a few times. Once to see about a Halloween legend, that a young girl buried there cries at midnight. She doesn’t. She is happy she is dead. Another I spent running and crying, my nose running heavily becuase it was below freezing. I was running to change what I never could. And if those dead people could, they would have been running with me. “Je connais, je connais, je connais.” I whisper to myself over 127 times.