Not Today

My other great-grandma is dying. Am I surprised? No. I feel like every single family member of mine is on a countdown for death. No one is living, everyone is dying. That's not a very happy way to look at things, really.  But, this is how I feel. For the last three nights I have been having panic attacks. Death is becoming so engraved in my mind I only dream about death now. It's funny how I am never thinking about the people that died, but rather for the people who have to keep living. That is what scares me the most. But i've done it! I am one of those people who saw my aunt, lying dead in that hospital bed. My granny lying dead at my grandmas... and soon, my great-grandma lying dead in her grave. My great-grandpa bickmore, my grandpa dale.... I've seen the Parker family suffer from the loss of their son. And I don't want to be them. I don't want to be me.

I became acquainted with death in third grade, as I watched my friends little brother die in my mothers arms. When I heard the news that day I laughed. I watched my parents cry for their friends and I just laughed. Ironically, that's what I did two days ago when I found out my great grandma was dying. Then when my sister was going in for ear surgery I bawled and bawled, thinking that Seth's destiny was his to share with her. She lived. Then, at a young age I wondered how Seth could die. Why him? Why choose Seth? I watched Myles cry in my dad's hands. It was my Dad, not his, because his Dad couldn't even console himself, not even his family. I remember last year going into Myles house and seeing Seth in with all of the others kids school pictures. He hasn't aged, he never will here. I remember watching Rhonda get cancer. And wondered why death chose Seth and not her. 

In october I watched my granny die. I remember knowing she was dying and sitting by her for the last time. She thanked me, she said she loved me, she ate applesauce. I remember the taste of pizza and getting the phone call from my Dad. Grandma's house was different. She answered the door and she was crying. My Dad pushes me to come with him to see her. I look at her. I can face her. And I did face her. When the men come and take her away my grandma keeps saying please don't take her. Please don't take her! I play the words "the woman who raised me is dead" the whole ride home in the car. I remember playing the piano at her funeral. Everyone celebrating her life for what it was. The air outside, was cold.

I watch my aunt die without even knowing it. She is so young! Death would never chose her! On the 4th of July we all go to the hospital because she had a heart attack. She goes into heart surgery. I remember her asking the doctor "will I just die during the surgery?" he says maybe. 

But she didn't. Death would never choose her!

She sang in the car. I remember that.

I can't remember her at christmas.

We all watch her decline, but for some reason live in naiveness. 

She tells me at her house that this is God's punishment for her. I start crying and I say "why would you say that?!" she says she had pride for keeping Kylah. I watch the two-year-old run up to her grandma and start crying with her. I hear my own voice "Kylah, she needs you now." She told me, "Exactly."

She sobbed as she walked away.

On my 18th birthday I drive to the Hospital, because I was told to. For some reason I don't say goodbye, I just stare at her. She tells me she loves me. I tell her I love her too.

Later on, My Dad calls.

Later on, I am driving to st. george, wondering how death could choose her. wondering why I didn't learn with Seth. wondering if she was with granny.

In the hospital I looked over the city of st. george and it looked empty. and people were moving on. I looked at my aunt on the bead, and never looked at her again. I drowned out the sounds of tears and felt more angry than I have ever felt. Sitting in that waiting room reminded me of the time I sat in the waiting room that was right next to this one. I remember my aunt being sick but bringing me gifts on the day of my surgery. How selfish of me! How selfless of her!

I look at Liana. How selfish of me! I don't know what to say. We were there for what felt like hours.

We cleaned her house.

We ate sandwiches.

I played the piano at her funeral. I can't really remember much about the service, only seeing people crying over her casket. The burial, her young face, liana's face. No one celebrating life, but only mourning death.

I remember graduating. I remember Liana graduating. She didn't want to without her. 

And, I've told this story before. But I remember Kylah, waking up from her sleep and seeing me crying, and reassuring me that Granny is in the clouds. I remember when she asked a question that she already knew the answer to. "Terrie isn't coming back, is she?" I remember crying, and not answering her. Because I couldn't. Cause I knew the answer too.

So now that, here again, I am facing death, I feel like an expert. So when people wonder why I am not always perfectly happy, I think, well, it's been hard.

But that's not an excuse is it? Like Liana, I just need to have a stargazer lilly and remember. 

But move on. And keep moving on. Because everyday is new and fresh, and people become memories only for awhile until they become real again.

It feels good to write this. I feel like when all of these thoughts build up, I need to write them down, so they become reality instead of the nightmares that keep occuring when I lock it all up.

Maybe someday in the future I will be able to talk about this to my friends, my family.

But that day is not today.