finding myself

I can't sleep. And the thoughts going through my head? Well, maybe it is a blessing that I don't have a "group" of friends here. Back in the "olden days" I was defined by my friends. I let this happen. I let them define me. But here, there is nothing to define me but me, and maybe if I had a "group" of friends I would continue to let them define me.

Or maybe this is just an excuse to why I have no "group" of friends.

I've been thinking about being a English major and maybe teaching. Getting a minor in secondary education.. or however that works. I feel pretty good about this actually :) I could teach in a town similar to Hurricane or Logan and teach things that I love. I was thinking that maybe with time I could also get a part time job teaching music at the same school... Okay future me, tell me what you think. I might bring it up with my parents. Also, along with the fact that I think that I want to stay here. I might get my associates here and then head to BYU. I guess the future is the only person who knows.

But, I think I should be next in line to find out.

Other noteworthy things...
I don't have any crushes or anything
I love fall here
The longer I am here the more I love it and the more it feels like home
I love kayaking
I want a kayak for my birthday
I love my family
I love pictures
I love music


I am also going to "disney on ice" in 9 days with my friend Andrea Christensen. That should be super cool! I went to that when I was little, so it will be fun to see how its changed! I'm so stoked to go to SLC!

Things I am hoping for right now:

A job
A non-serious boyfriend
A kayak
Good Grades

--That shouldn't be too much to ask for. I am excited to take new classes next semester. I think I am also going to visit my connections teacher. He always has good advice.

For the future:
College is really great! It really isn't at all what I was expecting, I wish we didn't get used to being on our own so fast. The excitement wore out pretty quick for me. Living with a bunch of strangers might have been the greatest and worst thing that has ever happened to me.  I got to stop sleeping so much in the day.... I can't stay up this late every night.

This is a really rambley note.

The reflections is clear, icy.
I look in, yes, there I am!
Mixed with white gas, with green weed,
With life;
Teeming with possibilities. A beaver swam through,
my face.

I can't see past that distorted image.
Of blonde, blue, and bright.
I feel like, maybe if I could see past
see into that blue
instead of on top
I would know

An orange leaf falls
It fell slowly
It landed in my hair
my eyes
my clothes
my heart.
I reach out to grab it in my reflection
But it is in the water;
It is sinking.
It is snowing.

And now, something I am not used to, snow
It freezes me.
It freezes my lungs,
but invigorates,
that cold in my lungs,
I feel that spread to my blood,
then to my heart,
then to my brain.
And it spreads slowly

Like the orange leaf,
In the water,
Sinking,
Drowning,
Breathing,
Dying.

There are no orange leafs.
They are brown.
They are dead.
They are satisfied.
I come back and look at the ice,
the water
myself.
I still can't see through,
the gas, the green, the life.

Years later things green,
Things are pink
Things are new.
I was new once,
and pink.
And teeming with possibility.

My fingers are callused,
My eyes are cold; wet.
My lips are chapped,
My fingers are numbed.

My mind is numbed when I see,
when I see that same reflection;
that same bridge,
that same memory.
That same blue.

I still can't see through that cloud
that blue, the green.
But I know why now.
I won't see now in this season
I can only see me
I can only see life.
I can't see this big picture or what lies before me.

I wonder what it is all the time.
I wonder what it is all the time.
I wonder what it is all the time.

Not even prayers can tell the future.
I know this.
The future is not just in my hands,
nor fates,
nor friends,
nor beavers.
He is in charge,  He gave my the choice to either forget my reflection
to forget who I am
to change my name

To loose hope in what I know
To stop looking into the ice, the blue, the green.
When I do that he will win.
I will walk off the bridge and never return.

If I keep wondering,
If I keep looking,
I will stay.
I will stay.
I will wonder.
I will wonder.

This wonder might just save me.
Save me someday.
Someday save me.