"in honor of tomorrow"

Everyday we live "in honor of tomorrow".
That's why we cry when someone we loves runs out of them. That's why I cry.

Everyday we live "in honor of tomorrow".
That's why we smile every night once the lights go off and our eyelids shut,  we smile for the hope that tomorrow never fails to bring. That's why I smile.

It's when I saw that fire burn away all of my memories. The ashes rising to the sky, burning my eyes, filling the air with death, filling my lungs. But meanwhile, as I stared into that blue sky filled with gray  and pieces of pictures, words, meaningless now, I couldn't help but smile. Because like those memories, I too am floating on the hope that tomorrow always brings a new day, a new idea, a new friend, and something to live for.

Today I lived for that late night walk with friends. How the air was cold against my face, waking me up from the inside out, bringing tears to my eyes. Stinging. Seeing the lights of the city, seeing the lights of the brilliant city that He built in the sky. It's these small moments that I remember that I am braver than I think, and that no matter what the circumstances I will learn to fly "in honor of tomorrow."

{Sincerely Sierra}

The Hunger Games

Well, One of the most anticipated events since graduating High School... Me and Jenna have been anticipating this even for years!!!! I wasn't able to see the movie with Jenna but my roommates were definitely a perfect alternative. The movie was fantastic!
I don't have a ton to say about it other than how much of a marker of time it is for me. It has been so many years of waiting and wondering, of sitting in the office with calee trying to guess what actor/actress was going to play which character. It seems so silly now, after those years of waiting. But this is definitely something that will mark my teenage years forever...

and may the odds be ever in your favor!!

Piece

It's hardest, right now, because no more tears will come out. I want to say something, yell it scream it. I hate feeling so contained. I want to go home more than anything else, with people who actually know me and care about me. Maybe I should just accept that I have no friends here. Right before I moved I accepted it, i accepted being alone. Just to be hurt again. It's obviously me, just like Erika said. I know that they whisper about me. After I'm gone.  It's hard to be alone, and to hear laughter right outside. Without me.
I like to be home, if i close my eyes I am so close.. i can almost believe that I am there. Where the sun shines, and my smile comes alive again. It's harder than anything to be here. That mountain in the distance, it looks familiar...

I'm sick of people looking at me like that.
Like i'm nothing but a piece of sh*t in their eyes.

Team Finnick/ Team Peeta

Blogging from Alexa's apartment...

Check


Check.

Oh yes. I changed from team peeta to team finnick. lets see how that works :)

HUNGER GAMES COMING OUT TOMORROW NIGHT!

do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

Skinny Love

I always manage to come back to writing, don't I?
I can't get away from it.

I am so sick. I found this bottle on my desk after school today, a bottle filled with my weaknesses. I can't look at it anymore, so i locked it in a box. I feel betrayed, and I don't know who to trust. I think I can see that there is nothing special about me, a girl that cant stand to open up to anyone. It makes me hate that they know me.... or think they do. I am angry because I don't know who I am to tell anyone, to show anyone, everything I am is a charade, not because I want it to be.
I am so sick of being underestimated, sick of people who are even more naive than I am. People who judge, and who make up their minds on a first glance. I'm sick of being used. I don't even make a dent.

Not one dent.

And I know that I'm not beautiful. And I know I am not who everyone thinks I am, or wants me to be. The truth is , I am empty.  When I look through my eyes, every single person is so beautiful. Then everyone goes and taints that. What is wrong with you?!  I have been without friends. And I know how to be my own. Even I wrote in my 4th grade journal about a friend named Sam, who did not have any eyes. No eyes to look into when I needed reassurance. Just a black shadow, that never did anything for herself.

Please, i'm begging everyone.

Open Your Eyes. Not Everyone Has Them.

Blank Screen

Sometimes it's nice to look at a blank screen, and a keyboard in front of you with all the letters you need to make a word, all the words you need to make a sentence, and all the sentences you need to tell your story, letting your life flow through your fingers, and being able to see it from an outside perspective. I think that is what I love about writing. I love how we have the ability to create something that can last forever.  Like how I feel like I have known Beethoven my whole life when I play Moonlight Sonata on the piano. Or how I can understand what D.H. Lawrence felt when he wrote The Rocking Horse Winner.

I love how when I run out of words, there is always someone there to put some more in for me.

Someday, maybe someone will know me, from something I left behind, and I will fill in the gaps. So that this is worth it.

I love how I can be anywhere I could imagine at anytime I want! It creates a safe haven. I want to be that safe haven. Whether people find that place in my words or my eyes, in my smile. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I will leave behind I feel that I am missing what people leave for me.

It's that feeling when you knew you did something wrong, how it is the exact opposite of the feeling when you knew you did something right. Or when you are laying in the dark at night, and a tear is on your pillow and you don't know how it got there.

It's when you can't stop smiling when someone says hello, and you secretly turn back and wish they weren't walking away. Or that happiness that swells up inside and comes out in a scream, or through water in your eyes. How emotion is in charge, and how it controls our actions. It's the feeling when you look at your hands and realize you cannot fathom all of the amazing things we can do.

It's realizing how grateful you are for that breath you just took.


Or when you are finally finished with something.


And finally starting something new.

I love this!

Yesterday me and my roommates Kallin and Karli were talking about how sometimes we only write about the sad things in our lives. Well, I have a good one today. I got a 96 on my statistics test!
And my Dad is doing well..
And I can see God's hand in everything!

I love this!

Je Connais

je connais. i know.  I KNOW.


I know. Today I knew and tomorrow, I will remember.

I WILL remember.

Je Connais

I have started to learn to appreciate people since the big move. I have learned that other people is what make up who I  am.

Je Connais

“If I could choose anyway to tell my story it would be through the voice of an aquaintance I once had. In the telling of it all her voice might strain, but it will mainly be sweet, like thick honey, and she could be a jazz singer.” I look down from my daydream because I know I have said too much. I look into the gray eyes of the boy in front of me.

“What’s your name again?” I ask for the fourth time after a long silence.

“It’s Preston.” He lets out a long sigh before he speaks again. “I think the best way to record a story is through extensive, and effective journal writing.”  Now it’s my turn to sigh. I start flipping through the textbook to find something to talk about. I hate working in groups. There is a third party to this group and his name is Thomas. I know I would like Thomas, because he just sits there, through the whole discussion like he doesn’t give a shit about life. I like that, even though it means I have to sit here and work with Preston alone.

“So fine, let’s write this paper about journal writing then.” I quietly say. Pretending to dive into my text book I check and see if I have a text message. It’s 9:37 a.m. and no text mesage. I look back up to Preston and see he is starting the first paragraph to our essay. The professor had us grade our peers and I gave both Preston and Thomas top scores. Preston put down his peer evaluation and I saw that he had given me a straight “C” while Thomas got an “A”. Putting all of my papers and books back into my backpack I just stand up and leave those two boys. Maybe next week I will be able to help, and I find myself thinking that Preston is sexist.

I lived in the same place for eighteen years. Before I moved one year ago, I never appreciated how much that town was a part of me. It wasn’t until I left, did I realize exactly what I was leaving.

My name is Sierra Copeland. The most significant thing about me is that I can think, and I can think to anyone or anything. Everyday I walk through the largest cemetary I have ever seen to get back to my apartment from campus. When I’m in there ninety-nine percent of the time I am thinking, and the other one percent is spent practicing my french. I have been in that cemetary at night a few times. Once to see about a Halloween legend, that a young girl buried there cries at midnight. She doesn’t. She is happy she is dead. Another I spent running and crying, my nose running heavily becuase it was below freezing. I was running to change what I never could. And if those dead people could, they would have been running with me. “Je connais, je connais, je connais.” I whisper to myself over 127 times.

and the things that keep me alive, keep me alone.

when i feel the most real.

-when i am crying

-when i am looking back on a thousand graves

-when i am laughing, talking, and screaming with my new best friends.



So everyday, I do what I can to feel real.

Alive

yeah, it seems to be true that I have not written a post for a long time. haha, it's not like anyone reads this but me. maybe once i have kids or something this will become interesting. anyway, i am still live.
sometimes really alive.


and other times, hardly alive at all.

so anyways... good times!

So yesterday I was reading all of my old blogs and I miss the way I used to blog so I am going to try and revert back to that in this post.
Itinerary for this week:
Monday:
Economics
Exercise at Jog Walk
Study
French Take Home Quiz
The Bachelor

Tuesday:
Communications
Statistics
Institute
Ballroom Dance
French
Study
Maybe Clean the Sink :)

Wednesday:
Economics
Jog/Walk Class
Statistics Quiz
Study
Relax

Thursday:
.... okay this is boring


So in other news... My new apartment is working out great. Kallin and Karli both really like Gilmore Girls and it's fun watching it with them. We also watch a bunch of movies that I havent seen like Anastasia, Balto, The Best Two Years, The Devil Wears Prada, Sleeping Beauty, Remember the Titans, The Wedding Planner etc. We still have a lot more to watch too! It's been fun and relaxing. Getting cream sodas has also become a fun tradition and watching the bachelor on monday nights :) anyways.... good times!

otherside

it's snowing like there is no tomorrow. and maybe there isn't.

lately its been really good! i love my new apartment and my new life here in logan. now i just need to realize i want to come here next year... help!

it's like punching in a dream

Some of the Many

Seeing the sunset out my window and watching the city come alive when I go to sleep.
Respect.
Reading.
Feeling the Holy Ghost.
Calling my Mom and Family Every Day.
When Daddy called yesterday.
Having enough money to sustain my needs.
Getting an Education
Learning to love.
Watching the snow come, then melt, then come.
Living somewhere new.
Making Choices.
Making new friends
Missing old friends.
Doing good in school.
Going Ice Skating.
Drinking Cream Sodas
Watching Gilmore Girls.
Wearing my Fossil Watch
Dreaming.
Day Dreaming.

The Pursuit of Happiness

I always start my journals like so....

My name is Sierra Copeland. I have blue eyes, freckles, and whatever color of hair that I want. (Should I tell you some other worthless things about myself?) ;) Then I might ramble on about the rest of my day, what I did, who I love, who I want to love etc. Sometimes though, I want to write what I really see. What I really hear, what I really feel, what I really know. What I think I know. Sometimes I am sooo grateful that no one knows me here, and others times I just want to spill out everything. I never do, and I never will. I'm happy today, it's good. It feels good to be happy. I am scared that I look to hard to find happiness, when sometimes I can feel it here at my fingertips, brushing softly, discreetly enough to be misread as to far away. To far away. It feels good to grasp frozen hands on the ball of sunshine that is happiness..

who wouldn't be.

i'm depressed so here I am. i will just be way straightforward and say that I am angry right now. so angry. i don't understand and I want to be at home.
i'm angry.
i'm scared.
i'm lonely.
i'm tired.
i'm confused.
i'm frustrated.
i'm all alone.
i'm really tired.
i'm the most angry.

i know why i'm angry, but i also know that I am over reacting. but who wouldn't be after I saw what happened six months ago. WHO WOULDN'T BE!

.Capitalized.Kaya.

dear kaya,

you were who i came to so long ago when i was alone. and i haven't came back since.

i don't know why it is we resort to things of our past when it feels like there is nothing left to resort too. Actually, kaya, I have good roommates now, i wonder if my life will change around now.

it's funny kaya, how I was thinking how i didn't really miss you, and then I realized that i had nothing to miss because you my friend were replaced.

today i realize that bad things can happen to anyone, and do happen to everyone. 

and btw, falling in love doesn't suck, as long as you know at the beginning that you will get hurt.

You will get hurt.

love, sierra

The Bluebird

Last night was SO fun! My new roommates and I went to The Bluebird!!! My grandparents dated there so i have been wanting to go.
My Roommates
Karli
Kallin
Kenzie
Kaela
Kiri
and the SIERRA
It was so fun! We ordered homemade cream soda and mud pies!

The first day of school was really hard! But going to the Bluebird made things better!

New

I moved in to my new apartment today and i feel new.
things are going to be different this semester, i just know it!

Horizons

the worst feeling in the world is looking to see a bright and sunshine filled hurricane in my rear view mirror while dark and dangerous clouds fill up my front window, and I have no other choice but to drive into them.
It made me think, or realize, or wonder that maybe the most courageous thing we do is to make a decision, realize there is no going back, and face the consequence of that decision head on.
I guess realizing, or dreaming, or stumbling upon ideas is a blessing from God.
Because without a spark of curiosity in life, none of us would wake up, because the only reason we wake up every morning is the spark in our hearts that makes us open our eyes and wonder...
"what will today bring into my horizon, what will today leave in my rear view mirror"

let me tell you why

Let me tell you why, it could be that the sun shines here, it shines right to me, as if I was the only person it had to keep happy, to keep alive.
Let me tell you why, it could be that I hear myself laugh again, and my voice is raw because there are people instead of fears.
Let me tell you why, it could be that this is where I first fell in love. Not just with a boy, but with nature, with the sky. It could be because here, everything is in love, the leaves give gentle kisses to the blue sky, the sky hugs the red rock, because they know here, that tomorrow everything could be different.
Let me tell you why, it is the similarities I see with me and the city. We are one here. I feel like the city surrounds my goals, and dreams and takes them in as it's own.
Let me tell you why, it could be the talking for hours, the knowledge, how I react because she reacts. It's because I know her so well.
Let me tell you why, it might be because of my him, and his interrogation skill none, and wanted by the FBI. How even someone small can rise and mean the world to people, change lives, including mine.
Let me tell you why, It might be because I see her, teaching all day, and teaching me at night, telling me that things will indeed be alright. Even when they aren't.
Let me tell you why, it could be the memories. they will always be here because when i was a child i buried them in the backyard for safe keeping.
Let me tell you why, it's because it was here that everything was perfect and my fears melted like a popsicle in my hand and left the remnants and the sticky there for later.
Let me tell you why, it's because I know the soil is just as grateful as I am when it rains. The rain is filled with sadness for those who are not here now. For memories I never want to dig up again.
Let me tell you why, it's because here, my roommate is like me on the outside, but completely different on the inside. And your outlook on life has everything to do with that inside.
It's crying in my room
Walking down main street barefoot
Seeing the people, that matters most to me
Knowing that here, somewhere here, I can stand on top of the world and yell as loud as I can
LET ME TELL YOU WHY!

Girl With The Red Balloon

"She's in love, and she won't be again."
today I woke up and I felt alive again.
       I remember back in elementary school watching a silent film about a boy and a balloon. I love it when memories come back and relate to us now. How a memory captured in a photo can last forever. We have invented a way to hold on to people forever.  Meeting again the people you once loved, only to love them more than the last time. You really don't know how great something is until it is gone.
You'd think I would try and learn from their mistakes.
There is always something out there though that I never get to see, or touch. I want to feel but I am to scared. It's like the first time I ever wrote that short story that I later named SUCCESS. Then I thought I knew about success, i thought that I had learned. But I hadn't, and I won't.
I was with Kylah again yesterday. And what does she know of success?

I'm watching him sink.
I'm hearing the end.
This isn't fair,
I hope for change
And sometimes it comes
Fate, isn't the same for everyone
It's different.
But it's there, I believe
My heart races every time I hear
Every time.
It's like mystery,
it's like horror
Genre.
Genre.
Romance, no.
Action, no.
Comedy, no.
I trust strangers now
I trust them!
With his life
We don't talk about this
No talking
This is down
on the hush hush
We pretend
Talking,,
that would make it real
Reality.
My head turns
Cringing at the word.
Becuase,
Why do we have to do this?
No answers
Silence
No talking
Silence
Fake.
Give me anything!
I'm blessed,
No deal.

Well I'm so sad tonight, and the words won't come out right. It's been a long day on the track, and it's stamina that I lack. So won't you run to me tonight. Tonight let's not talk about next summer Cause I will only ever be a Middle Distance Runner.
Well my heart is beating hard and I'm off with a shot at the start. And my legs tremble from strain. And by the finish line I am drained. And won't you run to me tonight? Tonight let's not talk about next summer. Cause I will only ever be a Middle Distance Runner. Well I'm so proud tonight of the woman you've become. And I'm just to tired to fight. So my darling, i'll succomb. But you'll have to run to me tonight, tonight I will love you forever. But I will only ever be a middle distance runner

Really.
Tonight, I will love you forever.

harry eight times over

harry potter marathon finished.
terrible flu and cold finished.
2011             finished.

checkmate.

last day

i'm sick with the flu, but i am still bringing in the new year with something I love
HARRY POTTER marathon!
I'm excited for 2011 to be over and to start something new.
something like 2012

now, i choose which family to go against!!!!

Hope Blossoms

It is Christmas Eve! 

I'm mainly just excited to watch my little cousins open presents and see their excitement! It's funny how things change,

it's also funny how things stay the same. 

Liana is making the Christmas lasagna, something that Aunt Teresa made every year. We are still going to eat the lasagna. Even though she isn't here to make it.

Things are good, because Christmas takes away those thoughts that things might be bad.

I'm still enjoying being home, but I am excited for the future (again). I have this hope that is blossoming in my heart that things will be better when I go back. That flower gets bigger each and every day.

Gilmore Girls

You can never go wrong with a healthy debate, that or a witty line about Ringo Star and Pippi Longstocking from Lorelai or Rory, add some romance, drama, and crazy rich parents and you've got Gilmore Girls!

Miss Terious. Life is feminine.

God works in mysterious ways. And this is a tribute to that, to why I need to be forgiven for being so angry at the way things were happening. Things are going to be okay. Fear always overwhelms me, and then I always am reassured. Things have been bad for about two years, but in between that bad and the dark there was happiness. Excitement, more fear, more let downs, and lots of lessons learned.
A lot of lessons learned!
And it's all a mystery to me.
One year ago I got shoulder surgery.
Think on that!
It went fast, at least, that's a blessing!
sincerely sierra

Home(Sick)

I'm at Home. I'm sick.
So now I have a new view of homesick.
Nothing really new, just excited to be home!

Today

So, after my science final I called my Dad. I was so happy.
But now I am scared.
My Dad said that he is going to the hospital on Friday, because he thinks something might be wrong with his heart.
I am praying, and hoping, and planning on everything being okay.
Everything Will Be Okay.

Not Today

My other great-grandma is dying. Am I surprised? No. I feel like every single family member of mine is on a countdown for death. No one is living, everyone is dying. That's not a very happy way to look at things, really.  But, this is how I feel. For the last three nights I have been having panic attacks. Death is becoming so engraved in my mind I only dream about death now. It's funny how I am never thinking about the people that died, but rather for the people who have to keep living. That is what scares me the most. But i've done it! I am one of those people who saw my aunt, lying dead in that hospital bed. My granny lying dead at my grandmas... and soon, my great-grandma lying dead in her grave. My great-grandpa bickmore, my grandpa dale.... I've seen the Parker family suffer from the loss of their son. And I don't want to be them. I don't want to be me.

I became acquainted with death in third grade, as I watched my friends little brother die in my mothers arms. When I heard the news that day I laughed. I watched my parents cry for their friends and I just laughed. Ironically, that's what I did two days ago when I found out my great grandma was dying. Then when my sister was going in for ear surgery I bawled and bawled, thinking that Seth's destiny was his to share with her. She lived. Then, at a young age I wondered how Seth could die. Why him? Why choose Seth? I watched Myles cry in my dad's hands. It was my Dad, not his, because his Dad couldn't even console himself, not even his family. I remember last year going into Myles house and seeing Seth in with all of the others kids school pictures. He hasn't aged, he never will here. I remember watching Rhonda get cancer. And wondered why death chose Seth and not her. 

In october I watched my granny die. I remember knowing she was dying and sitting by her for the last time. She thanked me, she said she loved me, she ate applesauce. I remember the taste of pizza and getting the phone call from my Dad. Grandma's house was different. She answered the door and she was crying. My Dad pushes me to come with him to see her. I look at her. I can face her. And I did face her. When the men come and take her away my grandma keeps saying please don't take her. Please don't take her! I play the words "the woman who raised me is dead" the whole ride home in the car. I remember playing the piano at her funeral. Everyone celebrating her life for what it was. The air outside, was cold.

I watch my aunt die without even knowing it. She is so young! Death would never chose her! On the 4th of July we all go to the hospital because she had a heart attack. She goes into heart surgery. I remember her asking the doctor "will I just die during the surgery?" he says maybe. 

But she didn't. Death would never choose her!

She sang in the car. I remember that.

I can't remember her at christmas.

We all watch her decline, but for some reason live in naiveness. 

She tells me at her house that this is God's punishment for her. I start crying and I say "why would you say that?!" she says she had pride for keeping Kylah. I watch the two-year-old run up to her grandma and start crying with her. I hear my own voice "Kylah, she needs you now." She told me, "Exactly."

She sobbed as she walked away.

On my 18th birthday I drive to the Hospital, because I was told to. For some reason I don't say goodbye, I just stare at her. She tells me she loves me. I tell her I love her too.

Later on, My Dad calls.

Later on, I am driving to st. george, wondering how death could choose her. wondering why I didn't learn with Seth. wondering if she was with granny.

In the hospital I looked over the city of st. george and it looked empty. and people were moving on. I looked at my aunt on the bead, and never looked at her again. I drowned out the sounds of tears and felt more angry than I have ever felt. Sitting in that waiting room reminded me of the time I sat in the waiting room that was right next to this one. I remember my aunt being sick but bringing me gifts on the day of my surgery. How selfish of me! How selfless of her!

I look at Liana. How selfish of me! I don't know what to say. We were there for what felt like hours.

We cleaned her house.

We ate sandwiches.

I played the piano at her funeral. I can't really remember much about the service, only seeing people crying over her casket. The burial, her young face, liana's face. No one celebrating life, but only mourning death.

I remember graduating. I remember Liana graduating. She didn't want to without her. 

And, I've told this story before. But I remember Kylah, waking up from her sleep and seeing me crying, and reassuring me that Granny is in the clouds. I remember when she asked a question that she already knew the answer to. "Terrie isn't coming back, is she?" I remember crying, and not answering her. Because I couldn't. Cause I knew the answer too.

So now that, here again, I am facing death, I feel like an expert. So when people wonder why I am not always perfectly happy, I think, well, it's been hard.

But that's not an excuse is it? Like Liana, I just need to have a stargazer lilly and remember. 

But move on. And keep moving on. Because everyday is new and fresh, and people become memories only for awhile until they become real again.

It feels good to write this. I feel like when all of these thoughts build up, I need to write them down, so they become reality instead of the nightmares that keep occuring when I lock it all up.

Maybe someday in the future I will be able to talk about this to my friends, my family.

But that day is not today.

Falling Slowly

"i don't know you, but I want you all the more for that.
words fall through me and always fool me, and I can't react.
and games that never amount to more than they are meant will play themselves out.
Take this sinking boat and point it home, we still got time!
Raise you're hopeful voice, you have a choice! you make it loud!
falling slowly, eyes that know me, and I can't go back.
and moves that take me and they race me and i'm painted black.
well you have suffered enough, at war with yourself, it's time that you want.
take this sinking boat and point it home we still got time!
 raise you're hopeful voice, you have a choice! you made it loud!
 falling slowly, sing you're melody! i'll sing it long! to come, pay the cost! i'm gone."

sincerely sierra

Helping Hand

Today everything has been in my favor. Actually, this whole week everything has been in my favor and I know who I have to thank and it is my Heavenly Father. I have been praying for things to go well this week, and in all honesty they really have gone great! My French teacher cancelled her final! Heck YEAH! Everything went so well for that class and I pulled my grade up to at least B+ form a C-! Holy Cow! Also, I finished Creative Arts pulling a B from the final (Not as great as I wanted but I have an A in the class so, not to much can happen there). Now all I have left is to write an extra credit paper for french and do my science final on tuesday. And the kicker is.. I'M Moving OUT on TUESDAY! Anna ended up wanting to move out the same day that I wanted to move in, what luck! So now I will be home on Wednesday instead of Sunday! BOOYAH! I feel like I am walking on the clouds right now and that my Heavenly Father really does love me and has been with me since day one of this experience.

I'm so blessed.

Sincerely Sierra

sarah's key

i watched this movie today and it really changed my perspective. sarah in the movie was so brave. i ran home in the 5 degree weather as hard as I could, crying, and wishing I could be like her. It hit me the hardest when she finally gets to the closet, only to find her little brother dead.
It seems that sometimes, we get to our "closets" to only find that we didn't get the answer we wanted. I guess that is where we can learn some of the greatest lessons in life.

sincerely sierra

Dead Week

Turns out "dead week" will probably turn out to the be the busiest week I will experience in college. But, for good news my français prof. cancelled l'examen finale. Yaya. I feel really happy and really sad. I am just really excited to move out. I hate the people I live with, every single one of them. Like I said in the beginning everyone here is so self centered and self concerned none of them can stand to think of someone else. I can't live with people like this. Neither do I want to. They are all self-righteous beast.
That was my hating for the day. Imma hater.

Shut up I say SHUT UP!

I have so much homework, and I am really really excited to go home.
A place where I belong.

Today, at the Cazier Library

Today I went to the Religion in Life class and it was really good! The speaker showed a clip from The Lion Kind where the baboon tells Simba that "You're Father Lives in you , remember who you are." It was such a good talk! And now I have to study for my three finals I have in the next two weeks :) I think I will do right in two of them but I am really worried about the french final. Anyway, I hope all goes well!

A Place Where Unforgettables Reside

I know that there is moments in my life that are unforgettable.

Her eyes. Deep and black and full. Both of us seeing for the first time. Her eyes 3 years later filled with tears, reflecting my own blue in her brown. Reflecting my thoughts in her voice. "Terrie is gone, isn't she?"
Having to say yes. Watching her sleep and playing with her thin hair.

This, I will never forget. I will always hold deep by my heart.
In my heart.

psych!

when everything you know to be right ... is wrong.

How To Save A Life

The final month of my first semester of college.
Let me rate it on a scale of 1-10 1 being the lowest 10 being the highest.
4
I am all applied to BYU and right now I am really hoping that I will get in. I am going to talk to the housing department and try and move out. Hopefully things change for the better next semester.
Hopefully.

"Where did I go wrong? A loss of friends......."

The sunrise was so beautiful this morning, it made me grateful to wake up this morning. God really knows how to save a life.

sincerely sierra

This Could Be Paradise

life goes on, it gets so heavy. every tear a waterfall in the night, the stormy night she'll close her eyes; in the night the stormy night away she'd fly and dream of paradise..... and so lying underneath those stormy skies she'd say "oh, i know this sun was set to rise."

i hope i will never forget driving away, how i always am going to have to turn away at some point. i better remember those sobs, and dry heaves, about thinking how utah state literally welcomes me to hell once a month.

but as i turned up the radio to drown out my own voice, paradise came on.

and i know that just like the girl, every tear seems like a waterfall here in this stormy night. but i can close my eyes and dream of paradise.... and deep down God tells me that the sun that was set...
was only set to rise.

sincerely sierra

Deleted

i have to admit that it is one of those nights where i have watched gilmore girls for hours and still feel like crap. literally. i am sick. and i also have to admit that i have let my mind wander  to the weirdest scariest things.

tonight i am sad. jessica, one of my roommates deleted me from facebook. now i know how mature this doesn't sound and i don't really know why i am bothered so much by it. i guess it is just the final "i am totally better than you"  message from her. i really don't know why i care, it is probably for the better I really do hate her. which is pretty sad.  i am going to move out. i also am going to major in english i think :)

i'm so sick.

good night.

shelbie

You're Motoring!

You're Motoring! What's you're price for flight? In finding Mr. Right? You'll be alright tonight.
Babe, you're growing up so fast, and mama's worrying that you won't last to say let's play Sister Christian. There's so much in life don't give it up before you're time is due. It's true.
Motoring! What's you're price for flight? You've got him in you're sight! You're driving through the night...Motoring!
What's you're price for flight?

MmmHmmm... take that music to you're heart. Then laugh. Aiden singing that yesterday was so great! It's been so fun being in this house with 30 of my relatives, all of my cousins except one. Temple Square was AMAZING, and so was Thanksgiving.

sincerely sierra

i love harry potter

home sweet home

home! at last!
I am really enjoying myself. It was amazing when Hurricane took STATE FOOTBALL CHAMP! finally! in the fourth year! me and my dad sat with all of the hirschi family and the mayor hirschi! it was pretty fun! it snowed the whole game and it felt like we were in a snow globe! now i'm at home and tonight I went to the jubilee of trees with shelby and mom and it was great! i love the holiday season.
happy thanksgiving!

Coral Reef

all day i have opened this blog and just shut it back off. I have wanted to write, but nothing has came to mind to write about.
I had this idea about the coral reefs,
and about touching them
imagining what they feel like
they are rough.

life is rough,
but still just as beautiful
as the coral reefs I see.

I laugh when I see myself
In a snorkling uniform.

I look silly

the day ice flowers grew on my window

something that i have learned to like about myself is how I am so aware of my own spirit. I love how I can feel being in my body and go in my body and stay there. I feel like physical me is a different person than spiritual me. Being able to distinguish the difference has already helped me a lot here. I can be by myself. My thoughts run deeper than my mind, i can write about it and I can read and go away and be the characters. I can completely leave a place and just be thinking and have no idea what is going on here.

Although it is easy to loose track of people. Sometimes I confuse what I dream about them to really be them. Sometimes I don't know what to believe and I think that is where I actually start to believe that people are my friends. When they're not. And it's this false believing that lead me to try and forget my old friends, a dream of a new life that would be perfect and full of perfect new friends.

Sometimes I really wish I could paint still, or write songs with words and try to describe the things I see, the things I feel. The things I know.
Sometimes it's the things that I wish I knew.

Today I was grateful for this, when I was in my car, and the ice water was moving.

I knew better. It was flowers, ice flowers growing on my window. I tried to touch them with my fingers...
but like all my dreams
they disappeared to fast.

11.11.11

I just wanted to write something for this date.

i have nothing to say i have nothing to say i have nothing to say i have nothing to say

...nothing to say...
when i was in 4th grade i had a journal named Kaya. I loved her. But I always had to write ...nothing to say... over and over again in cursive because I didn't have any friends other than Kaya. I hated moving to a different school.

Sometimes I feel the same here at Utah State. And other times, I feel I am surrounded by amazing people that really are my friends.

haunting

5 years ago at this same time of year I wrote a short story on success and what it meant to me at the time. That feeling at the start of a race, the sickness and quick breaths, the eyes mine came in contact with. That feeling in the middle where I felt like a failure, like I couldn't do this anymore, like one more step would kill me. I wrote about how my feet always kept moving on the pavement, wet grass, mud, dirt and bridges. I kept writing on the feeling of seeing that finish banner so close but yet how it still seemed so far. I wrote about speed, about sweat, about tears, about not turning back. Then the race is over. I don't smile I just drink. Water tastes better when you need it and it is sweet and icy cold. Then truth. The names on the board, my name on a board and by it is what tells all. And that is it!!!! I am a winner!!!!! I didn't win the race or come even close but I did more than I thought I could. I pushed harder than the last time. I laugh and I jump in disbelief and I know that this is success, because what else could be?
What else could be?

This question haunts me today, maybe it's  because I know that I don't know the answer.

Friday Night

friends, movies, pancakes, jokes, giggles, snow, princesses, chocolate chips, pranks, running, cold, blankets, music and pj's.

One of the best nights of college. 

Routine.

You don't know when people are going to leave you forever. It's part of the routine, if you knew, everything would be different. If you knew you could save, change the course of fate forever.

There are the types of leaving you can't change, even if you knew. Even if I knew, what could I have done?

Nothing.

And I guess that's the lesson learned. I guess that's what we all need to get over. It isn't us, is it? It isn't us who brings death. It i the way it is supposed to be, I guess one might call it fate.

It seems unfair how much life I have, when others are out, done, for good here. It seems unfair that some people (like me) have such a deep understanding. That other people, have it even harder. And the worst that some people don't know me. That don't know them. that don't know themselves. 

At least I learned that lesson now, and not later. That when other people leave, I won't be surprised. 

I remember that moment in the hospital, I wondered "What if I don't open my eyes again, once they are closed." I remember my Aunt there, with me, in the hospital, a place where she now spent her days. She came anyway. She brought me a book that I will never read. About an ugly dog changing the way a family looked at the world. I will always have that book; because even the smallest things in life can make the biggest difference. So when I watched that liquid flow into my arm wondering if I could die, I didn't know how selfish I was. Because I didn't know that five months later I would be sitting on the same level two of the same hospital, on the window seat, looking over St. George, a town that didn't change even when my Aunt died. My friend. I remember my Dad's voice, cracked, said "She's gone".  How could I worry about my own death when at the time my Aunt was so close to her own. 

I remember how my Aunt loved Thanksgiving. She made me love Thanksgiving. I remember the tables being set up in her front room, with those tablecloths and football and my Dad being so happy. That was before Granny died, before my Aunt had a heart attack. Before there were heart aches to be dealt with. 

I remember being at my Aunts house before she died. She was crying. She was crying and saying "This is a punishment." "God is punishing me for keeping her."

God wasn't punishing you Aunt Teresa. I told you that. And I can say that I told you so. 

Liana loves you so Aunt Terrie. She talks about you all of the time. About that hole she can't fill in her heart. Kylah loves you too. I remember sitting in the carpet at my house holding that three year old in my arms as she finally let out her thoughts. "Terrie isn't coming back, is she Sierra?" 

I remember how my voice finally choked out. "Not for awhile Kylah."

I remember Kylahs's sobs as well.

Kylah thinks the same as me.

I think that is why I love her so much. Because sometimes I have to ask myself "Terrie isn't coming back, is she Sierra?" And I always tell myself, "Not for awhile."

I remember that the night before she died, sleeping with Kylah next to me, listening to her breathing and appreciating the life me and her share. I thought of how lucky. I remember playing with Kylah's hair.

And later. At college I read an entry from Liana about Stargazer Lilies. I feel spoiled, because I don't hardly share a fraction of her pain. Liana, I sit in the grass too, for as long as I can, to come back to reality.

I remember sitting next to my granny as she told me she loved me. I remember her, there, trying to spend time with us at the last family gathering she would be attending. I remember the taste of pizza, of sandwiches. 

Liana wanted you to be at her graduation Aunt Teresa. I remember you telling the doctors "Please wait for surgery, I have to be here two more days for my daughters graduation." That wasn't an option, and I think we all felt your spirit there that day. I remember the choir singing "For Good" and the lyrics "Because I knew you I've been changed For Good."

I sat by Gina at the funeral, listening to her cry. At the cabin? Remember? She didn't mean it. She is getting married now.  

I think about death everyday. I don't ponder on the sadness I ponder about what life would be like now, if none of it ever happened. I think about the moments I thought I myself was going to die. I wonder if you felt that feeling too. But after I wonder that I know that you were at peace. 

I know that because on Level Two of the hospital we had visited you in so many times before my Dad cried in front of me for the first time. He loved you so much. He sobbed and sobbed. And so did Liana. I don't ever want to see my family like that again. How unsettling it was. That was because we had been broke. It will be a long time until we are all back together again, at thanksgiving on the porch. But it will come.

I can't stop thinking about this lately and I guess i am writing it down so I don't forget. I start to forget things, like your laugh and I have to think harder to remember. I always think about you telling stories. About you singing and your collection of music on the wall. I listen to Elvira sometimes to try and imagine you and grandma and granny singing it at the top of your lungs. "elvira! my hearts on fire! for elvira!" I remember how you loved our dogs, and how you would stay up so late to spend time with me during those sleepovers. We played GoldFish at 3 in the morning. I remember you at my birthday parties.  I miss you.

This Thanksgiving is different. We all went separate ways this year. 

I don't think we can face gathering together on your favorite holiday.

That's why this year I think about you, about how great you are.

You don't know when people are going to leave you forever.

It's part of a routine.

finding myself

I can't sleep. And the thoughts going through my head? Well, maybe it is a blessing that I don't have a "group" of friends here. Back in the "olden days" I was defined by my friends. I let this happen. I let them define me. But here, there is nothing to define me but me, and maybe if I had a "group" of friends I would continue to let them define me.

Or maybe this is just an excuse to why I have no "group" of friends.

I've been thinking about being a English major and maybe teaching. Getting a minor in secondary education.. or however that works. I feel pretty good about this actually :) I could teach in a town similar to Hurricane or Logan and teach things that I love. I was thinking that maybe with time I could also get a part time job teaching music at the same school... Okay future me, tell me what you think. I might bring it up with my parents. Also, along with the fact that I think that I want to stay here. I might get my associates here and then head to BYU. I guess the future is the only person who knows.

But, I think I should be next in line to find out.

Other noteworthy things...
I don't have any crushes or anything
I love fall here
The longer I am here the more I love it and the more it feels like home
I love kayaking
I want a kayak for my birthday
I love my family
I love pictures
I love music


I am also going to "disney on ice" in 9 days with my friend Andrea Christensen. That should be super cool! I went to that when I was little, so it will be fun to see how its changed! I'm so stoked to go to SLC!

Things I am hoping for right now:

A job
A non-serious boyfriend
A kayak
Good Grades

--That shouldn't be too much to ask for. I am excited to take new classes next semester. I think I am also going to visit my connections teacher. He always has good advice.

For the future:
College is really great! It really isn't at all what I was expecting, I wish we didn't get used to being on our own so fast. The excitement wore out pretty quick for me. Living with a bunch of strangers might have been the greatest and worst thing that has ever happened to me.  I got to stop sleeping so much in the day.... I can't stay up this late every night.

This is a really rambley note.

The reflections is clear, icy.
I look in, yes, there I am!
Mixed with white gas, with green weed,
With life;
Teeming with possibilities. A beaver swam through,
my face.

I can't see past that distorted image.
Of blonde, blue, and bright.
I feel like, maybe if I could see past
see into that blue
instead of on top
I would know

An orange leaf falls
It fell slowly
It landed in my hair
my eyes
my clothes
my heart.
I reach out to grab it in my reflection
But it is in the water;
It is sinking.
It is snowing.

And now, something I am not used to, snow
It freezes me.
It freezes my lungs,
but invigorates,
that cold in my lungs,
I feel that spread to my blood,
then to my heart,
then to my brain.
And it spreads slowly

Like the orange leaf,
In the water,
Sinking,
Drowning,
Breathing,
Dying.

There are no orange leafs.
They are brown.
They are dead.
They are satisfied.
I come back and look at the ice,
the water
myself.
I still can't see through,
the gas, the green, the life.

Years later things green,
Things are pink
Things are new.
I was new once,
and pink.
And teeming with possibility.

My fingers are callused,
My eyes are cold; wet.
My lips are chapped,
My fingers are numbed.

My mind is numbed when I see,
when I see that same reflection;
that same bridge,
that same memory.
That same blue.

I still can't see through that cloud
that blue, the green.
But I know why now.
I won't see now in this season
I can only see me
I can only see life.
I can't see this big picture or what lies before me.

I wonder what it is all the time.
I wonder what it is all the time.
I wonder what it is all the time.

Not even prayers can tell the future.
I know this.
The future is not just in my hands,
nor fates,
nor friends,
nor beavers.
He is in charge,  He gave my the choice to either forget my reflection
to forget who I am
to change my name

To loose hope in what I know
To stop looking into the ice, the blue, the green.
When I do that he will win.
I will walk off the bridge and never return.

If I keep wondering,
If I keep looking,
I will stay.
I will stay.
I will wonder.
I will wonder.

This wonder might just save me.
Save me someday.
Someday save me.

sincerely november

I am actually looking forward to this November 2011! I am excited to see what a real winter season will bring me here in Logan. Everyday I love it here more and more. Everyday I am growing, I just want to feel "love" again. I miss the excitement of having a crush and I am sick of thinking of the past.

All in all, the first day of november was mediocre. But a good mediocre.

Everlasting

Last night was so terrible. I mean, it was alright when we watched Tuck Everlasting. I like that movie. A lot.
I wasn't in control of my thoughts, I couldn't stop crying.
"Why?" I would ask.
"Why?" I would wonder.

and i wondered why winifred wouldn't stay with jesse, when she could be with him forever.

I guess life must really be worth living.

And dying, it must be really worth living, to risk dying.

This is Halloween

This IS Halloween. What a riot. Not much to say, didn't go to the Howl, tickets were sold out so instead me and Kaitlin drove around Logan and took pics. Pulled an all nighter-- guy that slept on the couch didn't appreciate it much. Didn't matter, hopefully won't ever see him again ha! Mission-freshly-awkward!
(Besides, I'm not a huge fan of guys sleeping over in my apt., but ,,, i guess that since I was awake the whole time it didn't really matter).
Major me up UTAH STATE, taking on another week in my blind hike towards my future. Lucky me.

Different Lots

Blogging at 3:21 am. Meh. Can't think .... can't do....
IT was a good week though.
And right now, sitting in the parking lot of the best western,

remembering that time we played in the rain in a different parking lot. :'(

In Way of Remembrance

I had such a great week in Southern Utah last week! I loved meeting Caitlin's bf Charlie, going to the football game with Shaynae, and getting hot chocolate with caitlin charlie and shaynae in the pimping truck! I loved seeing you Christine and Andrea and Myles as well. I wish we could have spent more time together, and Christine I didn't mind how you were vomiting instead of talking with us.
I loved seeing Owen, even when he peeed on my guitar case. Ok. And you Shelby, I loved how me and you and mom laughed so hard on the way home from the mall about Adam from Eddie Bauer and mom, how you love guy shopping! Dad, I like how you took me to get your popsicles, I wish we could have hung out more. I loved picking up shelby from that party with you and Owen. Footloose was great Shelb, we should have a flashback and sit together and watch the old one. Shaynae, I like how we can talk about anything. Even the size of the BOYS. :D I love you Hurricane, the warmth of the sun, the mountains I didn't notice before. I loved how reality set in when the side walk got taking out. How the grass just stopped. How without a road there is only a cliff. I love you Mom. I can only barely survive without you. I also realize how I love that when I run I can almost taste the hay in the warm air. Hurricane is alive because of you. Becuase of Love (dillon and laura) .. Becuase of Peace, and becuase of Friends. We come together and sew our lives amongst the red cliffs and the blue sky. Becuase southern utah is who we are, who we are becoming, and who we will become.

Other People

Are kings as well, they control the printers, the black dots, the bars. I become such a peasant, bowing and pleading for more. I understand the king more than I understand myself, for a few moments, because their thoughts are mine, their movements are mine.
Their music is mine ... for a few moments in time.
I understand that King.

Tell the WORLD

that music is power, and just a few minutes ago, I was KING.

I'm Coming Home; I'm Going Home

Now today is the day. I'm going back to Hurricane today.

I'm afraid I won't be able to come back.

for the beauty of the brain

Decisions. What we decide now can change the way we view our forever. Simple decisions, big decisions, and to think I am the one that decided what clothes that I am wearing today, who I would smile at, what type of juice I would drink for lunch. I can't believe that the same decision making skills that decided whether I like chocolate or strawberry milk is also going to decide what I am going to major in, who I will marry, and name my children. The brain is a beautiful thing. Ain't it.

People that are Dead

I miss my AP Literature class. I miss reading worthwhile reading and thinking and feeling and knowing a part of the author that I can't know about the people here, alive, with me. I need to wake up and start feeling again, I need to read poetry and the books that I used to read, a window into dreams, to reality, to hope, to love. I need ideas and and regeneration in my life. I need to use and re-use and do. I need to act now on the things I learn. I need to know people, and I can't know the people here I can know the people that are dead, the people from other countries, other worlds.

It's time to discover.

Getting so obsessed with Heroes, and questions of God, and wondering why money matters so much. Yes, the answers are written down Philosophically at our finger tips, and now what do we do? We dance at parties, we drink, we kill ourselves in car accidents. The mental capabilities are being wasted. The singers/songwriters of our day are singing Super Bass.

I could always try and save the world.

weekend from the gods

mmmhmmm..... great weekend with my grandparents. nice to get out of here... be home in five days.

seven hundred miles

I have a good life. But I am surprisingly really acquainted with loneliness. In elementary school loneliness was my middle name for three years. And here, in Logan. There are days, most of the days, i don't feel lonely. But the rare days that come, i miss my friends. I guess you do "belong" places, and I also guess I didn't realize that when I actually did belong somewhere I didn't really appreciate it. I'm honestly not trying to be a poo. Haha.  It's just something that I have come to realize recently.
It could be a optimistic thing. It really could! I know that I always have a friend in Christ.. .... I shouldn't take that for granted either.
I also used to think that I would never return to Hurricane Utah. So many things change don't they. Different perspectives up here in Northern Utah. 700 miles away from home.
Maybe it take 700 miles to realize what is the most important to you.
A place to not be lonely.
Security.
Love.
Peace.
Home.
sincerely sierra

questions.

New Ideas...Cloudy Brain....Looking for Answers.

There are questions here that need to be answered.

Missing.

Having my Dad come visit me was so great and so terrible at the same time. I had so much fun while he was here, but I guess it also made living here that much harder... It was hard to see him go. We went to Bear Lake and got raspberry shakes. They were so good! Now I just have to look forward to fall break. Hopefully it comes fast enough... But at this point.. I don't think it can.

Wind Caves

Wench

Really, you don't realize how we are all so connected. That's why I guess it is not surprising that we don't grasp each other's hands and help each other through. We look without seeing, and feel without feeling. The only things that are real are what happens to us. Seeing other people suffer, seeing other people happy, seeing a tragedy turn into nothing else but a tragedy... that doesn't affect us. It doesn't affect me.

It doesn't affect me until I look with intent of understanding, and I feel with my heart. We all have to see to believe now, because here we all with the world to see at our fingertips. But how real is that world?
Maybe if we could actually see each other things would be different. And if every story affected us like it happened to us. As I walk by that graveyard everyday I realize... A million stories here, none of which I will know, or care to know. But someday that's what some soul will think of me. And we never know how close that day will be.

Security is something earned, or else something dreamed. Only a bubble to be popped. God watched over me, just as he always has.

So ... isn't this something I can see to believe in?
And maybe, this second, there is a person that thought just the same thing as I did....

Unfocused Emotion

Some things of note have changed me.

I realized that there has been so many fun things, beautiful things, here in Logan. I love to write and I want to write about what has happened to me.
A couple of nights ago some guys came over with a bunch of scooters. It was so random! I loved it! We rode all around campus and talked and tried to do tricks. I laughed and smiled and it felt so good! It's so Amazing how the good can outweigh the bad if you let it.
Last night me Erika and Jessica went on a walk and went "planking" on statues and tractors and all sorts of random things! We ended up at Erika's friend Caitlin's house and Caitlin and her friend Matt drove us to the "Top of the World" Matt told us how special we are to see this spot and how few people in Logan actually know about it. I could see the whole city. The air was cool and it actually had a taste! It was so sweet and it filled my lungs and my lungs filled my soul with the happiness that was in that air. It sounds pretty cheesy but that is how it really felt. Lawrell Cook told me that I will always miss my home, but I just have to find the things that I love here in Logan and focus on those.
Also, I realized how sweet tears can be. I cried today letting out unfocused emotion that was built up inside of me. The tears actually felt good on my face.
I love how here there is so much time! I can do anything my heart desires here.

And really, that's what life is about. Taking in the sweet things in every place you live. Missing you family, and praying for them every night. Meeting new people that are different. Going new places.. going dancing! And learning to be brave because this is how my life is and will be everyday. Making the decisions that will affect me forever and for eternity. And this is why, my life, here in Logan, is truly a happy one.

sincere hatred of numbers that don't exist

what did you expect? i think it is funny how here in this library everyone sits facing the same way so you don't have to make eye contact to anyone. I just made eye contact with this random guy and it was awkward so I guess I understand. I just had to smile to myself because I was thinking about it.
I realized just like a second ago that the fact that I never have nothing to write about is because I haven't had anything really emotionally or creatively stirring happen to me lately. Emotionally I just feel rather numb, I can't believe I am saying this but I really hope to get back to the emotional me, where I actually feel! And I also can't wait until my violin gets up here, I will start playing music again and I might read a good creative books such as my favorite, The Secret Garden, or else try something new like Ballet Shoes.

i think that I am less emotionally stimulated here at college is because I always feel tired. I think the adventure of moving up here could be way more exciting if I wasn't so tired all of the time. Oh, and taking out the classes and the homework would be nice too.

On the topic of classes I really enjoy all of my classes except 2. Which by the way is a good chunk of all of my classes. The worst is Math 1050, I honestly don't know if I will even be able to pass that class. I don't know what is is but I really just don't get it at all. Speaking of I have a test for that class that starts in an hour. Sigh....I have nothing to do... right now. Because of this quiz I might try and study on Wiley.

Well anyway,, you can thank me later for that rambling session


Sincerely Sierra

Cazier

The first days of classes have been pretty good. I feel like I am already ready for summer though :/ I am not proud to say that I was 10 minutes late to my first ever college class which was French 1010. It was really a stressful and embarrassing time the trip to the campus. All in all things are going pretty well. I used to love to write but I believe I am having writers block. You'd think it would be the opposite since I am just starting this huge new adventure.
I have done a couple of fun things worth mentioning

• Met Roomates
• Moved Out
• Hiked to the Wind Caves
• Went to an actual rock concert
• Walked through the cemetery by my housing
• Was in a mosh pit
• Met a famous journalist
• Went to a college dance party
• Went to the taste of logan
• Started my first college classes
• LOVED MY FIRST DAYS AT COLLEGE

sincerely sierra

sounds of silence

lately i come to write on this blog and its like something is the matter with me... then I realize its becuase I am speechless.

college 101

well this is my 4th day here in Snow Hall. I LOVE IT! it is way way fun! i have met sooooo many new people and it has just been great. I am afraid for when the actual learning part of college starts.

my post have been short lately... i just have had so many experiences it frustrates me just thinking about trying to write them all.

today I feel really really home sick, but all is well



all is well!

Well here I am. Sitting here in my new apartment... listening to gilmore girls... scared and excited out of my mind. I miss my family all ready... i keep forgetting that I am not going home.

wish me luck! i am going to bed ... church at 9 in the morning.


sincerely sierra

Good Change

My last day, my last night. Sigh.

Wow! How life changes! So I pretty much had an amazing day! I went dorm hopping from st george to cedar! i cant believe my friends are in college! I can't believe I am moving out tomorrow! UGH! So much to do so little time you know?!

On a sadder note tomorrow I have to find out what is wrong with me ... im pretty nervous I don't know why... Sigh again.

I am feeling a big change coming on! :) A good one!

Trivial in a Grand Aspect

Emotion is truly an amazing amazing thing. It's crazy how I can feel so anxious, so depressed, so lost, so happy, so loved, so excited, and so innocent all at the same time.
The issue is, my emotions need to be sorted out. Tomorrow is my last full day living here at home. Oh, how things change! Oh, how things and people come and go in our lives leaving only small prints, when at the time you thought they were the world. When at a time they were the world.
No good thing lasts forever. Not even people, not here in this life.
And that's why I'm leaving this hell of a town and moving on to... well better things. I hope that me be on my own, not dependent on any body will help me realize who I am and what I need to do. Everyday is beautiful.

On a less dramatic note me and my mom went on a mommy daughter date yesterday. We went to Olive Garden and went shopping. I got two dresses. Today me and my dad went on a daddy daughter date and we drove to Oscars Cafe in Springdale and sat and talked and looked towards Zions. Speaking only of trivial things.
what is trivial in this great world, in such a grand aspect?
Maybe everything is trivial, thats why we cannot dwell on anything for too long.

ps i cut off my hair.


sincerely sierra

No End

There was something really great that I realized today.... and then I forgot what it was. Figures.

These realizations are really quite profound sometimes. It has been really interesting lately. I mean, I think I saw one of my best friends for the last time.. in who knows how long. I also had my first fro. Really its like two circumstances happen at the same time that play my emotions in opposite directions. I guess this is where it all starts, where I have to start learning who I am and what I believe in. I can't be split forever.

This is my last weekend of my work at sand hollow, tomorrow will be my last sunday living at home.

Even though my life is so full of last, it is also chalk-full of firsts. The only issue is, is that I can't decide if it is the "lasts" that will make me who I am, but rather the "firsts".

Really, I believe that this whole life is a first...  there is no ends.

final hoorah hoorah

I am nervous today... and I am VERY lazy. Am I allowed to have such a lazy day...a week and a half before I move out? I dont know but I am in a mood where I am just going to do it anyway. Later tonight me and my best friend are having our final hoorah hoorah! As depressing as it might be ... we are not going to think to much of separation tonight... only of being crazy and being ourselves. Maybe someday in the future we will be together again... whether sharing an apartment or going to the same university or maybe we will both end up settling down here in Hurricane again. Sometimes its nice to not know the future.. it gives this life an edge.

Sigh. Well thats about all that is happening lately. Really. Life needs to give me some excitement. though i might be hoping for less excitement later this month.

sincerely sierra

Like A Bullet in the Rain

Well, It's true. I have a new goal and it is to be happy. Here it is... time to start college and with this new beginning.....I am putting this past behind me. Forever... only to be looked at from the outside... not an inner emotional experience. This is it. Today is the day... Embrace Change, Wear Red Shoes, Begin Today,
Take Flight towards your dreams.....

Believe in Possibility



Sincerely Sierra

Captain America

a good day a good night. not much more i can ask for. some scary things kind of hit me hard. im going to college .. i am moving out... i am taking 17 credits.... and i took out my first loan. wow.

but other than that we had kylah today which i LOVE!! also i went college shopping and now the remnants litter my poor room. ugh. a 100 dollars on things that i need (not clothes) .. wow.

another thing dawned on me but with a different light. money is something worked for... and it will always be that way for me. Instead of worrying about how other people get free money (my money) I just need to worry about how i will provide for myself. I mean what else could I be doing with my summer other than saving up for college?

Also I realized how much I miss my friends. I went and saw Captain America with Jenna and I went star gazing with Karly and Andrea. Even though all we talked about for the whole night was the different ways that our lives have changed i feel like nothing has really changed at all.

That feeling.... I hope it never goes away. And when it does I hope that I am grateful that I had that feeling at all.

Bigger Plans

I'm not happy for her. Does that make me a bad person?? We were best friends for a full year and I hear this huge news from a line of rumor... Validating it validity made me almost ill. Really? She was the one who made the right decisions? Even though it seemed so wrong.

But I have bigger plans than that.

Well at least that is what i keep telling my self. I was talking to Misty today and she really really inspired me. I want to start something and I want to start something big.  Something huge. And when I told her that I couldn't she said that I can.

I can do this. And I am starting at Utah State University and I don't need some backstabbing friend from southern utah by my side .. with me during all of the action. Then she will see that it is I that made the right decisions. Because I know how to treat friends... and I don't leave the people I love to climb higher on any totem pole.

I am going to do something huge... and it is all going to be me.

A Sad Farewell

it does seem like lately there is nothing to really write about. it's weird how things change so quickly yet there is no really exciting news. my family moved to a different ward today and my dad is in the bishop ric. sigh,.   i hate change and i am not taking all of this change very well.

another interesting thing is that the final installment of the harry potter series came out into theatres. this might be a bit dramatic in me saying is that it was a real eye opener to me on how much time has gone by and how much older i am getting. i remember when the first harry potter came out. i was in 2nd grade. now the last one has came out and i am graduated and making all of these really difficult decisions. In a way I grew up with Harry Ron and Hermione. There triumphs were my triumphs and there hardships were my hardships. I will always have a personal connection with these characters becuase they were always there. I might be a book nerd but i think that is book really has a special part inside of me. Part of who i am involves Harry Potter.

So cheers to Harry Potter for his bravery and hope when all things were dark.... I hope  that he has taught me to do the same in my life.

...Like I said alot of things are changing. It is a sad farewell to a life that seems like a dream now. There are millions of kids like me getting ready to move out.. take  the next step... you know.. adult things such as this. I am not alone in this endeavor although it feels like I am walking in the middle of the forest looking for the path that every one else is on. I cant find that path. Maybe as I start college I will find this path and join the hurd of people like me and actually figure out what I am doing with my life.

I know that a lot of my post lately ..(other then the ones about vacation) were a little on the depressing side. But hopefully as things start looking up in Change Central.. my posts will start looking up too.

One last thing.... NEW YORK CITY WAS GREAT!!!!!


sincerely sierra

A Sad Farewell

it does seem like lately there is nothing to really write about. it's weird how things change so quickly yet there is no really exciting news. my family moved to a different ward today and my dad is in the bishop ric. sigh,.   i hate change and i am not taking all of this change very well.

another interesting thing is that the final installment of the harry potter series came out into theatres. this might be a bit dramatic in me saying is that it was a real eye opener to me on how much time has gone by and how much older i am getting. i remember when the first harry potter came out. i was in 2nd grade. now the last one has came out and i am graduated and making all of these really difficult decisions. In a way I grew up with Harry Ron and Hermione. There triumphs were my triumphs and there hardships were my hardships. I will always have a personal connection with these characters becuase they were always there. I might be a book nerd but i think that is book really has a special part inside of me. Part of who i am involves Harry Potter.

So cheers to Harry Potter for his bravery and hope when all things were dark.... I hope  that he has taught me to do the same in my life.

...Like I said alot of things are changing. It is a sad farewell to a life that seems like a dream now. There are millions of kids like me getting ready to move out.. take  the next step... you know.. adult things such as this. I am not alone in this endeavor although it feels like I am walking in the middle of the forest looking for the path that every one else is on. I cant find that path. Maybe as I start college I will find this path and join the hurd of people like me and actually figure out what I am doing with my life.

I know that a lot of my post lately ..(other then the ones about vacation) were a little on the depressing side. But hopefully as things start looking up in Change Central.. my posts will start looking up too.

One last thing.... NEW YORK CITY WAS GREAT!!!!!


sincerely sierra

Waterfall....Chocolate.....Amish.... ALL IN TWO DAYS!

Two words. NIAGARA FALLS! beautifull! beautilful! Nothing can describe how beautiful and breathtaking Niagra Falls was. I loved doing Maid of the Mist which is a boat that literally almost takes you right under the falls. I was was soaked from all of the mist!  The colors on the falls were beautiful too. It was crazy going down to Cave of the Winds... where we took an elevator down to the bottom of the falls and we got to stand right next to the bottom of the falls! Niagara was a real highlight of this trip so far :)

After Niagara we started heading towards Pennsylvania. It is such a green and beautiful country! We drove alot of the way right on the Susquehanna River which is also beautiful! Speaking of I have seen water from all of the great lakes and I have been on Lock 29 of the Eerie Canal.!   I have already seen so much!

Speaking of sightseeing the amish country in Intercourse Pennsylvania in Lancaster County was great for that. It is SOOOOO beautiful. Only pictures would be able to describes the scenes... but nothing can describe that fresh air. I rode a really old train that was from the 1800's in Strasburg PA. That was way fun. The Amish ride all around in all of there little buggies... and there houses are beautiful with the barns and acres and ancres of green crops. The Amish children are really cute... but the adults... especially the men... are kinda creepy. Its also interesting how the woman drive these adult sized razor scooters... oh man they are weird.

we went to a family dinner restraunt which was an interesting experience and i tried shoo fly pie which is also interesting.

in short niagara was great and the amish are just.... really interesting. I love chocolate and now I know how it is made and where it comes from. This trip is just flat out great!

A Pageant at Hill Cumorah

Turns out the next day went really well! we had our breakfast.....(EW)   and then the magic began.
We went and saw the sacred grove and the farm where Joseph Smith grew up. There was such strong sense of peace in the area...

we also visited peter whitmers house and a couple of church places that were pretty cool and historic.

Last, but not least, we went and saw Hill Cumorah and the pageant. WOW! it was an amazing experience and i was happy i was able to experience that with my family and with Andrea .... wow. 

Palmyra was great! Connies Diner in Waterloo,... Fayette... Rochester. Everything was great! Manchester too!    It was green! so green i was shocked! Leaving made me sad but I got to see my first light house on the way out right there on Lake Ontario!!!!!!!  I loved that... the lake looked like the ocean.

Haunted Brides in Palmyra

wow.
I left on vacation and I LOVE IT!  here is the story from the beginning... just so i can document it so far.



I leave my house at 2:30 am and head to McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas Nevada. Tired and nervous from the trip i dont sleep. After I leave McCarran at 6 am I am flown to Chicago Illinois and then to Washington DC. We dont go sight seeing in either stop becuase we have connector flights at the same airport. Though Copeland luck kicks in and we find ourselves in my first ever airport delay .... a long one which take 5 hours. Reading Harry Potter 7 made time go by a tidge faster... and then.. YES! we have an airline crew to take us through to storm to land in Rochester New York.


After searching for about 2 hours we land at our bed and breakfast at Palmyra. Not knowing what to expect from a bed and breakfast we go in with open minds... well most of us do.    My Dad knows that we have to share the bathroom.. "with strangers." Then things turn for the worst when Barbara (the host) leads us the "The Marriage Room." What? The Marriage Room....     ???!!!!   I'm pretty sure thats where my dad ALMOST lost his nerve... but maybe he had one straw left
.... in the corner of the room stood the creepiest mannequin with the creepiest wedding dress........


My Dad was not happy that night................ And I thought our trip was already turning for the worst.

lets hear it for New York

Video 

Just like the video i have gone to girls camp. which was really fun. i learned alot and made new beehive friends. i went zip lining, rock climbing and canoeing.    it was fun and give me a sunburn. I dont really know if there is any other news really. I'm heading to new york in two weeks which should be great.

sincerely sierra

sincerely sierra

question....  what is it that make me..me?

there are days that i cry. i think that i cry because i can't get some things out of my mind.
Death.
Life.
Love.
and...lack of love.

While we're young, lets breathe in each moment as we walk the road to what we become. Let us DREAM BIG, and love even bigger. while we're young.


i am at this huge turning point in my life. i think. what are these decisions? and why do i have to make these decisions through the loudest thunderstorm i have ever lived through. i can't here what is sincerely sierra anymore, only voices that tell me what is insincere... what is false... and what is reality. Reality is false lately... it's not a reality that belongs to me...it has to be someone else's ... because i shouldn't have to worry about death and love and life.  I shouldn't look at someone and wonder when they will take there last breath. That is not sincere.. that is not sierra.

So what is Sierra? Is it me that takes this thunderstorm and attempts to dance in the rain? Is it me that faces a choice head on without fear? Is it me that leans on the Lord Jesus Christ to get me through
this storm....    Is this me ? Or something to look forward to to become.  Become....    

Here I am with these Dreams.. with these fragments of thoughts... And I wonder.. will they ever become? and is it really up to me?   In just 2 months I will leave My town, My Community, My Ward, My Friends, My Home, My Family, My LIfe.     Everything I knew to be true.

And today... I ask.. What is sincerely sierra?

i decided that i want to do something fun at least once everyweek this summer.
here is a list that i have got going up.

• Tuachan's Little Mermaid
• Grand Canyon
• Sand Hollow
• Temple Trip
• Three Falls
• Movies

These ideas should keep me busy for awhile.

So kylah just left my house. It was kinda hard having her over becuase she kept bringing up my aunt teresa.
"Terri is up in heaven and she's not coming back! She's not coming back!"

"Sometimes grandmas go to heaven and they don't come back down."

Etc Etc

I miss my aunt teresa. every now and then i see something that reminds me of her... like a picture of falls leaves or watching my family play cards.

It's a good thing that i know that families are forever.

ps.   i am excited for my trip to up north this week!

sincerely sierra

a trek in zion

going to zion always relaxes me. we hiked emerald pools to the top pool. but next time we go we are going to do the overlook... which i am sorta scared about.

hiking and returning to nature just sorta brings me back down to earth.... and i love springdale too!.... but most of all i just love my friends. i am so blessed to have them and hopefully i will make similar ones at Utah State but we will see what happens. I am sure that I will.

I am reading The Secret Garden.  i really really love love love it! it's not at all what i expected! but i like it.
I really love how Mary Lennox looks sickly when she first arrives at the manor from India, but when she goes outside and runs around the wind "awakens her imagination by blowing the cobwebs away from her mind." and the wind "whips her cheeks so that they are now rosy instead of yellow."

I love that....

I just do.

sincerely sierra

material girl

2nd 10 hour shift done.... 2 more to go..

Maybe I can survive this. 

Nitro Circus from MTV are over at the lake and that adds some fun sportiness to my life. Dennis said that I should have a ranger take me down tomorrow to see some of the stunts.

Simply the only things that I have done so far this week is work.

I bought a new lunch box with spiderman on it

I bought TEEN VOGUE and enjoyed it

I want some BURBERRY sunglasses please

And  a picture of HER MORNING ELEGANCE music video by Oren Lavie.

i want one.

i am a material girl in a material world.

sincerely sierra

here comes the sun

it's summer... it's summer... it's summer... it's summer... it's summer...it's summer.


i keep telling myself this to remind me.

well for this first day of actual enjoyable summer i went on a jog and fixed the oil in my car.
Next up..

Folding Laundry
Gilmore Girls

Then I have a 10 hour shift at work :(

Ugh. I really want to go to that family bbq. I work for 10 hours tomorrow too. which really sucks.



ugh.
 work


college better be worth working my summer away.

here i come lake... please give me a tan.

sincerely sierra

what is left

a pounding headache.

That is what is left over from the weekend

Let me tell you about it!
It was my birthday on Friday, and it turned out to be pretty good. I went to the hospital to visit my aunt teresa, then my dad took me to Best Buy and he bought me a macbook Pro for graduation which i love very much. Then after that I hung out with Shaynae and watched, Across the Universe and went to Larsens Frost Stop

On Saturday I went in to work at Sand Hollow at 12 and then proceeded to work until 10 pm. My first 10 hour shift. I came home to the fact that my Aunt Teresa was doing really well in regards to her having knee surgery. About an hour later my dad receive a phone call that tells us that my aunt went into Code Blue, but she was revived and sent to the ICU.

On Sunday I woke up with Kylah only to find out that my dad had left, becuase my Aunt Teresa had taken a turn for the worst. The Phone Rang. Me and my mom answered and I heard my Dad bawling for the first time as he said "She didn't make it."  From that point on I entered an alternate reality wear my emotions just stay at point zero. She died at 6 30 am May 22nd a Sunday. That day I spent with family, in complete remorse for the event that had taken place. Everyone is shock

On Monday I woke up with a different attitude and realized that if I didn't think of my Aunt Teresa I wouldn't be sad. Me and Shaynae took Kylah and Coral to the park and got pizza. It was so fun! we planned on doing it again sometime so I guess we will see what will happen. After that I went to Graduation Practice and then to Yearbook signing. I walked out of the high school for the last time as a student.

On Tuesday I woke up and started getting prepared for graduation. Me and my mom were leaving at 11 to take liana to lunch. It was a grim and happy lunch becuase we were both ready to graduate but Liana didn't want too really becuase of sorrow. We then proceeded to graduate. As I turned my tassel it seemed unreal, it was a moment I have been dreaming about for so many years and now it finally happened!  It was amazing. I got to wear gold ropes, nhs collar, utah scholar medal, my grannys candy lei. it was fun to graduate but it seemed unreal. After being with family I went home and got ready for gradnight. Gradnight was so much fun! I joined a synchronized swimming team and watched a bunch of classmates get hypnotized. AHHH! It was so much fun!  


And that brings me here. to Wednesday. AHHH. Ahhh. The viewing is tonight and the funeral is tomorrow. Lets see if I am ready to face whatever comes my way. Turning 18 and graduating brought on a lot of reality for me... literally. hopefully i can continue to find the strength in God to make it through trials. Becuase this year is definitely one of them.

if you asked me for my heart there is no way that i'll say no

It's the end.
Today is my last day of high school, of grade school itself..
As a whole i think it was alright. I graduate next tuesday, 5 more days.
I think I will miss this life I live.
But maybe I am ready for a change.

It's The Beginning
Tomorrow is my 18th birthday
I am moving on to bigger and better things......            like what?
College, Work, Responisblity, Finances....

Right.

Just keep telling myself this is a good thing



Even though the fear will not leave my heart.



Sincerely Sierra

i get by with a little help from my friends

Another busy week under my belt. 

ONE MORE WEEK UNTIL GRADUATION
THREE MORE DAYS UNTIL I CHECK OUT OF SCHOOL
SIX MORE DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY

Here is last weeks itinerary

• I worked Monday thru Wednesday the night shift.
• Thursday I had my final orchestra concert
• Friday was Senior Sneak all day
• Saturday. SLEEP! WRITE ESSAYS ! STUDY JURISPRUdENCE! ETC>!!!

Today is Saturday, Finally. It was a long week but yet it seems to be going pretty darn fast. Thank heavens.

My orchestra concert went really well. I received an orchestra varsity letter which was cool. When I played my last song I felt kind of sad. When the silence was after we played our last note and before the crowd could clap I felt REALLY sad. After 8 years of orchestra it was all just coming to an end

don't make it bad

UGHAAAHHHHHYESSSSSS!

that about sums up this last week. the first of the week was really stressful and terrible. i had a ton of test to be worrying about.. including math 1010, ap lit, and college physics.  (alright i will admit i wasn't worried about the physics test.) then yesterday (friday) i just got to relax and hang out with all of my good friends. karly got a haircut, andrea's bf myles got a new car, caitlin played her last softball game, and shaynae watched her final dance concert. Meanwhile we marched down the street singing "Hey Jude" and "The Ants go Marching Horah!"    work has been treating me really well as well. I got to go jeep crawling and today I got to help with the Iron man which is an amazing experience!

stress-less bro

{sincerely sierra}

saving the day

Interestingly enough... I can't think of anything to write about. Future me: I hope you are doing well. :)

I am doing well. I am rekindling a love of this life and this earth. Like the plant. I got a plant after my shoulder surgery that was kind of homely and had no flowers but only weeds. We have been watering it since we've gotten it, but the other day I was doing my shoulder exercises and I looked over at that plant and it had bloomed, after 4 months of waiting! It's beautiful, because as I bloomed back into better health, that beautiful plant bloomed with me.

I worry about my dad when he leaves on trips for work. When he is out saving the day...  :)  

I haven't thought about mortality for awhile.. and it's been on my mind. I think I have been thinking about becuase I know that I need to live up the time that I have on this earth. Hopefully it is long.. but you never know.

"Who thinks about leavin when you are livin?"  

Well, I didn't mean for this to take such a depressing turn. Haha! My point is we should all live life to the fullest! Forever! :D

sincerely sierra

easter weekend

there is no time.

Listen to this playlist: sierrabear17's Playlist

:) giving up the gun

giving up the gun

vampire weekend

2+2=5

finishing the novel 1984 by george orwell...(whose real name is eric blair) has really peaked my interest in dystopian novels. even in 1948 when orwell wrote the book he had similar fears for the future as we do now. the future is unwritten, yes, but what happens when the past is too? are we all really trapped in our bodies? (our minds suffering to escape this trap.... fail)   maybe the fact that winston doesnt die in the end is more tragic then him actually dying. if he was dead his mind would be free.... if he could only defy big brother.  but he can't now. i really liked this novel... i give it a thumbs up ..especailly if you want a novel that makes you think really deep. next up.. animal farm :)  (well after this quarter ends anyway.)

{sincerely sierra}
----- well.. if that is even true anymore.