psych!

when everything you know to be right ... is wrong.

How To Save A Life

The final month of my first semester of college.
Let me rate it on a scale of 1-10 1 being the lowest 10 being the highest.
4
I am all applied to BYU and right now I am really hoping that I will get in. I am going to talk to the housing department and try and move out. Hopefully things change for the better next semester.
Hopefully.

"Where did I go wrong? A loss of friends......."

The sunrise was so beautiful this morning, it made me grateful to wake up this morning. God really knows how to save a life.

sincerely sierra

This Could Be Paradise

life goes on, it gets so heavy. every tear a waterfall in the night, the stormy night she'll close her eyes; in the night the stormy night away she'd fly and dream of paradise..... and so lying underneath those stormy skies she'd say "oh, i know this sun was set to rise."

i hope i will never forget driving away, how i always am going to have to turn away at some point. i better remember those sobs, and dry heaves, about thinking how utah state literally welcomes me to hell once a month.

but as i turned up the radio to drown out my own voice, paradise came on.

and i know that just like the girl, every tear seems like a waterfall here in this stormy night. but i can close my eyes and dream of paradise.... and deep down God tells me that the sun that was set...
was only set to rise.

sincerely sierra

Deleted

i have to admit that it is one of those nights where i have watched gilmore girls for hours and still feel like crap. literally. i am sick. and i also have to admit that i have let my mind wander  to the weirdest scariest things.

tonight i am sad. jessica, one of my roommates deleted me from facebook. now i know how mature this doesn't sound and i don't really know why i am bothered so much by it. i guess it is just the final "i am totally better than you"  message from her. i really don't know why i care, it is probably for the better I really do hate her. which is pretty sad.  i am going to move out. i also am going to major in english i think :)

i'm so sick.

good night.

shelbie

You're Motoring!

You're Motoring! What's you're price for flight? In finding Mr. Right? You'll be alright tonight.
Babe, you're growing up so fast, and mama's worrying that you won't last to say let's play Sister Christian. There's so much in life don't give it up before you're time is due. It's true.
Motoring! What's you're price for flight? You've got him in you're sight! You're driving through the night...Motoring!
What's you're price for flight?

MmmHmmm... take that music to you're heart. Then laugh. Aiden singing that yesterday was so great! It's been so fun being in this house with 30 of my relatives, all of my cousins except one. Temple Square was AMAZING, and so was Thanksgiving.

sincerely sierra

i love harry potter

home sweet home

home! at last!
I am really enjoying myself. It was amazing when Hurricane took STATE FOOTBALL CHAMP! finally! in the fourth year! me and my dad sat with all of the hirschi family and the mayor hirschi! it was pretty fun! it snowed the whole game and it felt like we were in a snow globe! now i'm at home and tonight I went to the jubilee of trees with shelby and mom and it was great! i love the holiday season.
happy thanksgiving!

Coral Reef

all day i have opened this blog and just shut it back off. I have wanted to write, but nothing has came to mind to write about.
I had this idea about the coral reefs,
and about touching them
imagining what they feel like
they are rough.

life is rough,
but still just as beautiful
as the coral reefs I see.

I laugh when I see myself
In a snorkling uniform.

I look silly

the day ice flowers grew on my window

something that i have learned to like about myself is how I am so aware of my own spirit. I love how I can feel being in my body and go in my body and stay there. I feel like physical me is a different person than spiritual me. Being able to distinguish the difference has already helped me a lot here. I can be by myself. My thoughts run deeper than my mind, i can write about it and I can read and go away and be the characters. I can completely leave a place and just be thinking and have no idea what is going on here.

Although it is easy to loose track of people. Sometimes I confuse what I dream about them to really be them. Sometimes I don't know what to believe and I think that is where I actually start to believe that people are my friends. When they're not. And it's this false believing that lead me to try and forget my old friends, a dream of a new life that would be perfect and full of perfect new friends.

Sometimes I really wish I could paint still, or write songs with words and try to describe the things I see, the things I feel. The things I know.
Sometimes it's the things that I wish I knew.

Today I was grateful for this, when I was in my car, and the ice water was moving.

I knew better. It was flowers, ice flowers growing on my window. I tried to touch them with my fingers...
but like all my dreams
they disappeared to fast.

11.11.11

I just wanted to write something for this date.

i have nothing to say i have nothing to say i have nothing to say i have nothing to say

...nothing to say...
when i was in 4th grade i had a journal named Kaya. I loved her. But I always had to write ...nothing to say... over and over again in cursive because I didn't have any friends other than Kaya. I hated moving to a different school.

Sometimes I feel the same here at Utah State. And other times, I feel I am surrounded by amazing people that really are my friends.

haunting

5 years ago at this same time of year I wrote a short story on success and what it meant to me at the time. That feeling at the start of a race, the sickness and quick breaths, the eyes mine came in contact with. That feeling in the middle where I felt like a failure, like I couldn't do this anymore, like one more step would kill me. I wrote about how my feet always kept moving on the pavement, wet grass, mud, dirt and bridges. I kept writing on the feeling of seeing that finish banner so close but yet how it still seemed so far. I wrote about speed, about sweat, about tears, about not turning back. Then the race is over. I don't smile I just drink. Water tastes better when you need it and it is sweet and icy cold. Then truth. The names on the board, my name on a board and by it is what tells all. And that is it!!!! I am a winner!!!!! I didn't win the race or come even close but I did more than I thought I could. I pushed harder than the last time. I laugh and I jump in disbelief and I know that this is success, because what else could be?
What else could be?

This question haunts me today, maybe it's  because I know that I don't know the answer.

Friday Night

friends, movies, pancakes, jokes, giggles, snow, princesses, chocolate chips, pranks, running, cold, blankets, music and pj's.

One of the best nights of college. 

Routine.

You don't know when people are going to leave you forever. It's part of the routine, if you knew, everything would be different. If you knew you could save, change the course of fate forever.

There are the types of leaving you can't change, even if you knew. Even if I knew, what could I have done?

Nothing.

And I guess that's the lesson learned. I guess that's what we all need to get over. It isn't us, is it? It isn't us who brings death. It i the way it is supposed to be, I guess one might call it fate.

It seems unfair how much life I have, when others are out, done, for good here. It seems unfair that some people (like me) have such a deep understanding. That other people, have it even harder. And the worst that some people don't know me. That don't know them. that don't know themselves. 

At least I learned that lesson now, and not later. That when other people leave, I won't be surprised. 

I remember that moment in the hospital, I wondered "What if I don't open my eyes again, once they are closed." I remember my Aunt there, with me, in the hospital, a place where she now spent her days. She came anyway. She brought me a book that I will never read. About an ugly dog changing the way a family looked at the world. I will always have that book; because even the smallest things in life can make the biggest difference. So when I watched that liquid flow into my arm wondering if I could die, I didn't know how selfish I was. Because I didn't know that five months later I would be sitting on the same level two of the same hospital, on the window seat, looking over St. George, a town that didn't change even when my Aunt died. My friend. I remember my Dad's voice, cracked, said "She's gone".  How could I worry about my own death when at the time my Aunt was so close to her own. 

I remember how my Aunt loved Thanksgiving. She made me love Thanksgiving. I remember the tables being set up in her front room, with those tablecloths and football and my Dad being so happy. That was before Granny died, before my Aunt had a heart attack. Before there were heart aches to be dealt with. 

I remember being at my Aunts house before she died. She was crying. She was crying and saying "This is a punishment." "God is punishing me for keeping her."

God wasn't punishing you Aunt Teresa. I told you that. And I can say that I told you so. 

Liana loves you so Aunt Terrie. She talks about you all of the time. About that hole she can't fill in her heart. Kylah loves you too. I remember sitting in the carpet at my house holding that three year old in my arms as she finally let out her thoughts. "Terrie isn't coming back, is she Sierra?" 

I remember how my voice finally choked out. "Not for awhile Kylah."

I remember Kylahs's sobs as well.

Kylah thinks the same as me.

I think that is why I love her so much. Because sometimes I have to ask myself "Terrie isn't coming back, is she Sierra?" And I always tell myself, "Not for awhile."

I remember that the night before she died, sleeping with Kylah next to me, listening to her breathing and appreciating the life me and her share. I thought of how lucky. I remember playing with Kylah's hair.

And later. At college I read an entry from Liana about Stargazer Lilies. I feel spoiled, because I don't hardly share a fraction of her pain. Liana, I sit in the grass too, for as long as I can, to come back to reality.

I remember sitting next to my granny as she told me she loved me. I remember her, there, trying to spend time with us at the last family gathering she would be attending. I remember the taste of pizza, of sandwiches. 

Liana wanted you to be at her graduation Aunt Teresa. I remember you telling the doctors "Please wait for surgery, I have to be here two more days for my daughters graduation." That wasn't an option, and I think we all felt your spirit there that day. I remember the choir singing "For Good" and the lyrics "Because I knew you I've been changed For Good."

I sat by Gina at the funeral, listening to her cry. At the cabin? Remember? She didn't mean it. She is getting married now.  

I think about death everyday. I don't ponder on the sadness I ponder about what life would be like now, if none of it ever happened. I think about the moments I thought I myself was going to die. I wonder if you felt that feeling too. But after I wonder that I know that you were at peace. 

I know that because on Level Two of the hospital we had visited you in so many times before my Dad cried in front of me for the first time. He loved you so much. He sobbed and sobbed. And so did Liana. I don't ever want to see my family like that again. How unsettling it was. That was because we had been broke. It will be a long time until we are all back together again, at thanksgiving on the porch. But it will come.

I can't stop thinking about this lately and I guess i am writing it down so I don't forget. I start to forget things, like your laugh and I have to think harder to remember. I always think about you telling stories. About you singing and your collection of music on the wall. I listen to Elvira sometimes to try and imagine you and grandma and granny singing it at the top of your lungs. "elvira! my hearts on fire! for elvira!" I remember how you loved our dogs, and how you would stay up so late to spend time with me during those sleepovers. We played GoldFish at 3 in the morning. I remember you at my birthday parties.  I miss you.

This Thanksgiving is different. We all went separate ways this year. 

I don't think we can face gathering together on your favorite holiday.

That's why this year I think about you, about how great you are.

You don't know when people are going to leave you forever.

It's part of a routine.

finding myself

I can't sleep. And the thoughts going through my head? Well, maybe it is a blessing that I don't have a "group" of friends here. Back in the "olden days" I was defined by my friends. I let this happen. I let them define me. But here, there is nothing to define me but me, and maybe if I had a "group" of friends I would continue to let them define me.

Or maybe this is just an excuse to why I have no "group" of friends.

I've been thinking about being a English major and maybe teaching. Getting a minor in secondary education.. or however that works. I feel pretty good about this actually :) I could teach in a town similar to Hurricane or Logan and teach things that I love. I was thinking that maybe with time I could also get a part time job teaching music at the same school... Okay future me, tell me what you think. I might bring it up with my parents. Also, along with the fact that I think that I want to stay here. I might get my associates here and then head to BYU. I guess the future is the only person who knows.

But, I think I should be next in line to find out.

Other noteworthy things...
I don't have any crushes or anything
I love fall here
The longer I am here the more I love it and the more it feels like home
I love kayaking
I want a kayak for my birthday
I love my family
I love pictures
I love music


I am also going to "disney on ice" in 9 days with my friend Andrea Christensen. That should be super cool! I went to that when I was little, so it will be fun to see how its changed! I'm so stoked to go to SLC!

Things I am hoping for right now:

A job
A non-serious boyfriend
A kayak
Good Grades

--That shouldn't be too much to ask for. I am excited to take new classes next semester. I think I am also going to visit my connections teacher. He always has good advice.

For the future:
College is really great! It really isn't at all what I was expecting, I wish we didn't get used to being on our own so fast. The excitement wore out pretty quick for me. Living with a bunch of strangers might have been the greatest and worst thing that has ever happened to me.  I got to stop sleeping so much in the day.... I can't stay up this late every night.

This is a really rambley note.

The reflections is clear, icy.
I look in, yes, there I am!
Mixed with white gas, with green weed,
With life;
Teeming with possibilities. A beaver swam through,
my face.

I can't see past that distorted image.
Of blonde, blue, and bright.
I feel like, maybe if I could see past
see into that blue
instead of on top
I would know

An orange leaf falls
It fell slowly
It landed in my hair
my eyes
my clothes
my heart.
I reach out to grab it in my reflection
But it is in the water;
It is sinking.
It is snowing.

And now, something I am not used to, snow
It freezes me.
It freezes my lungs,
but invigorates,
that cold in my lungs,
I feel that spread to my blood,
then to my heart,
then to my brain.
And it spreads slowly

Like the orange leaf,
In the water,
Sinking,
Drowning,
Breathing,
Dying.

There are no orange leafs.
They are brown.
They are dead.
They are satisfied.
I come back and look at the ice,
the water
myself.
I still can't see through,
the gas, the green, the life.

Years later things green,
Things are pink
Things are new.
I was new once,
and pink.
And teeming with possibility.

My fingers are callused,
My eyes are cold; wet.
My lips are chapped,
My fingers are numbed.

My mind is numbed when I see,
when I see that same reflection;
that same bridge,
that same memory.
That same blue.

I still can't see through that cloud
that blue, the green.
But I know why now.
I won't see now in this season
I can only see me
I can only see life.
I can't see this big picture or what lies before me.

I wonder what it is all the time.
I wonder what it is all the time.
I wonder what it is all the time.

Not even prayers can tell the future.
I know this.
The future is not just in my hands,
nor fates,
nor friends,
nor beavers.
He is in charge,  He gave my the choice to either forget my reflection
to forget who I am
to change my name

To loose hope in what I know
To stop looking into the ice, the blue, the green.
When I do that he will win.
I will walk off the bridge and never return.

If I keep wondering,
If I keep looking,
I will stay.
I will stay.
I will wonder.
I will wonder.

This wonder might just save me.
Save me someday.
Someday save me.

sincerely november

I am actually looking forward to this November 2011! I am excited to see what a real winter season will bring me here in Logan. Everyday I love it here more and more. Everyday I am growing, I just want to feel "love" again. I miss the excitement of having a crush and I am sick of thinking of the past.

All in all, the first day of november was mediocre. But a good mediocre.